September school blues

AAAAAHHHH frustrated...

How are you guys?  I know its been awhile since I have blogged again, my work rate is, how shall we put it "inconstant"? at the best of times.  But I am here now ready to vent, I mean discuss various topics in a sensible manner.

So they've been back at school a month. Biggest has started her A-levels which she is enjoying, I think being able to concentrate on the fewer subjects and they also being ones she really enjoys has focused her mind and she seems to have settled in well.  Middle one is the last year to have been moved to the middle school. Which much to most of the locals are disgusted is being closed down in favour of the two tier system rather than the three tier system we currently have.

He's finding middle school holds all the challenges you'd expect.  The building is alot larger, there are more teachers and the homework is alot harder.  While he is still up for the challenge, he is finding it a challenge though his peers seem not to have noticed, having voted him to be class Representative for the school council and generally being seen as a good friend and nice person.  He lets off the pressure at bit at home, which is fine, but sometimes getting snapped at by my usually placid child takes me by surprise.

Little bit on the other hand is a law unto himself.  He just doesn't like being told what to do, following rules or generally being bossed around.  Which at school you are gonna get from time to time..

He hasn't quite figured it out yet if you bend to the system the system will bend to you.  Tonight I am going in to see his teacher for the 2nd time in as many weeks if only to plead my case on what the heck am I suppose to do with him?  He's a sweet boy, with a big heart and inquisitive mind who just has a very strong opinion of himself.  He wants to have friends, be social and enjoy life,  but he finds things so frustrating when they don't go the way he thinks they ought to,  He struggles with a few social concepts not understanding what others might be thinking and also while he tries his hardest to empathise with his peers, sometimes he just "doesn't get it" and this frustrates him further.

He doesn't like to push himself preferring to step back and allow others to show him when he and they both know he is capable of whatever it is he wants to achieve.  He lacks confidence in his abilities so tends to hide behind people letting them shine while keeping himself to himself.

He's so able, soaking in knowledge all the time and having a far greater understanding for what is going on around him but refusing to show it, almost as if he knows if he allows people to see what he is capable of then they will expect that from him more and he just doesn't want to give it.

How frustrating, he's intelligent, bright, engaged, loving and generous of spirit but doesn't want anyone to know that about him. What do I do with that, how do I make him see that allowing people to see him for himself doesn't mean he'll be stuck doing things he doesn't want to do. How do you explain that to a 6 year old who spends his life thinking everyone is just trying to boss him around for the sake of it.

AAGGGHHAAAGGHH

Keep your fingers crossed for me his teacher has some thoughts because I am at a loss.

Turning the big 40 & what it means for a woman.....

This weekend I hit the big 4.0 !! I know hard to believe its finally arrived, middle age..eek.

To be honest though I think I am in a better place turning 40 than I was turning 30.  10 years ago I was fairly newly married had a young child and was pregnant with my second.  It wasn't an easy pregnancy being as I was poorly through most of it and so I spent the first part of my 30th year being either sick or at the hospital getting check ups while also dealing with a grieving husband whose Father had died 3 weeks after we found out we were expecting.  Then over the next few years came the ups and downs of new babies, house moves and feelings of loneliness and separation.

Today as I start my 40's my children while still young are a lot more independent of me.  Our family unit is complete and everyone is just getting on with the business of growing up.  Yes of course there are still the daily stresses that everyone goes through.  I live with my mother for goodness sake so I know all about them, there just isn't the emotional upheaval there was 10 years ago.

If I look back on that time with a honest appraisal I can clearly see how things between hubbies and I went so down hill.  Neither of us were prepared for what losing a parent while gaining a child would do to us emotionally and mentally.  While we thought we were probably coping ok, we were in actual fact feathers on the wind being blown this way and that managing to connect briefly only to be pushed apart by another big gust of wind ie work, money worries, demands of family raising, other ties with people and each other if I am honest.  The fact we managed to get through any of it is a pure and simple testimony to how much we love each other.

When we first met 15 years ago it felt like old souls reunited through reincarnation with a deep and basic need for each other that surprised both of us, as I don't think either of us had experience such a depth of emotion for anyone else in our lives before.  In actual fact as time has gone on and with all we have put each other through that basic primal need for each other is still as strong as ever.

So here I am starting my 40's with "the love of my life" (not words I say lightly by any stretch of the imagination) by my side ready to hold my hand while we walk forward towards the rest of our lives.  We have promised to be good to one another, to not take each other for granted, to support each other and to never let the other one face anything alone.  We have plans to travel as soon as the youngest is old enough. China is our first port of call then off to the other parts of the Far East. We plan to share the joys of grandchildren together whenever they turn up and we plan to always take time for one another and never again get so wrapped up in our own heads that we stop the most important people from getting in close.

For this year and for the next few we've still got to see our babies through puberty, first loves, exams, university and everything else they'll need to get them to adulthood.  Which is its own adventure, and when that's done we can look forward to our time together to feed our thirst for new & for learning.  There's no fear now, no insecurity, its as if the circle has come back on its self.  I laugh when I catch him looking at some skirt, he's a man they all do it that doesn't mean for 1 single second he would rather have that and lose me, in fact I know that for sure he doesn't want anyone else, he has proved that time and time again.  He knows how much I love him too, he's not worried or insecure about who I am or what I think.  He doesn't fret if I don't phone, or immediately assume I am going to do the dirty on him.  All that pressure and fear we put on each other before is just gone, wiped clean.

Don't get me wrong, I still have my days, my hormones are a bastard but eventually even that will pass, he just has to avoid me for a few days each month till it clears and I have to keep taking those vitamin B's lol

All I can say is hello 40's I've got the door wide open and I am welcoming you in because I'm a little bit older and a little wiser and I ready to face whatever you throw at me...

Lessons in love, the things the films don't teach us.

An open letter to the one I love

Where to begin, well one could almost start at my conception because my parents did love each but I think that might be a bit too far back. So I will start with the first heartbreak....

My daughter is 16 now this was the age I had my first serious boyfriend and we dated for 2 years.  If you ask me now why we were together for that long I couldn't for a second tell you but we were and inevitably as these things often do things fizzled out between us and we went our separate ways.  I then met a boy and fell "in love" again (well at least I thought I was in love) we were together 2 years, moved out and then 3 years later my eldest was born.  I was 23, not old but not excessively to young either.  At first glance we would have seemed a normal young couple with an adorable baby in tow.  We both had good jobs, a house with a mortgage and did everything normal families do spending lots of time with each others in laws, family holidays and nights on the sofa.  But as the years rolled by I realised this guy I was with, the father to my beautiful daughter wasn't who I thought he would be, I know this sometimes happens when couples have a baby.  There was no passion in our relationship, no spark or fire.  He was totally closed off with his feelings, never sharing moments with me.  I would look at our daughter and a rush of love would overcome me and I would kiss her all over, he would look at her and there was nothing but a blank stare.  Maybe he was too young to have kids, he never told me he loved me and he never told her either.  I got more and more depressed and lonely as time went on, no fairy tale for this 26 year old.

In the meantime a guy had started work at the place I worked at.  I didn't pay much attention to him at first, I was to busy with my little girl and feeling sorry for myself but then he came to work in the office where I was and for the first time since he'd started we actually had a chance to talk. In the first few weeks I found out we had lots of likes and dislikes in common but our lives were polar opposites of each other.  He went out partying every weekend and I was home with my baby, he still lived at home with his parents, I had a mortgage and in laws to deal with. So while we made each other laugh and we began to enjoy each others company there were a good few things about each other that the other one couldn't agree with (I should have seen the signs lol). Time went on and I started to enjoy going to work a hell of alot more, looking forward to catching the ten minutes chat with my new "friend" and slowing but surely we began the age old ritual of flirting.  

By the time I'd realised I had grown to have deep feelings for this guy, things at home for me where horrible and he'd also broken up with his long term girlfriend.  So in March 2001 I decided I had enough of trying to make it work with a guy who spent as little time with me and his daughter as possible and who would spend every night with his back turned away from me, I was 27 for god sake not 87 and still wanted a life. I left with a few possessions, the baby and the dog and went back to my mum's.  Within a week the "office guy" and I had our first date.  He told me afterwards that he'd spent a long time erming and arring about whether getting with me was really such a good idea, considering I was the bosses daughter and he was a mere lackey.

Within two months of us "dating" he went down on one knee and proposed and of course I immediately accepted, I knew I loved him, he was amazing with my daughter and they adored each other and he made me feel loved, wanted, interesting to talk to and worth spending time with.  We were married just 6 months after that first date (he wanted sooner but I wasn't going to rush my wedding day to much lol). We moved into our own home just days before the wedding and settled in to family life quickly.

I wish I could say its been a fairy tale ride since then, but nobody gives you a guide on how to love another person, we don't get taught it as part of the curriculum. Two further babies later though and I can honestly say we have made each other work for our love.  We have pushed each other to beyond our limits, to dark dark places and in to the arms of others but still the pull of those strings of love, the bonds that tied us first together are as strong as ever.  

And as each year, each month, each day that passes, we learn together, we grow together.  We still fight, that's normal, we still have vastly different opinions on things.  We still like to tell each other about new and interesting discoveries we've made.  I still hate admitting I am wrong and he is right, he still hates the way I find it hard to get myself motivated in the mornings or when I sound like my mother. He likes watching films, I like watching American cop shows but still when we talk to our children we talk with one voice (literally saying the exact same thing at the exact same time lol) We hold the same values, the same ideals, the same desire to allow our children to be the best they can be.  I've learnt how to be a an adult again rather than just a mum, I think he's found that refreshing, he's accepted there are parts of his life he hasn't dealt with in the best way possible and I respect him for that.  We still find each other sexy, we still find each other funny, we still respect each other and we can still feel like throttling each other at times but through all this I think I have finally learnt what it means to love another human being and to be loved by another human being and though its been a hard lesson to learn it has also been the most amazing, long may it last !!

I love you x

    

Give it up for the slow roast and other dinners they hate

As awful as it is to say and totally non PC, being born female a layer of expectation is already being placed on me from the minute I draw my first breath in the world.

One of these is an innate predisposed ability to cook.  Whether it be just the pressure of tradition or the natural maternal instinct to feed our off spring, women on the most part are the main cooks in any given home anywhere in the world.

There is only one slight problem for me with this whole set up and that is the fact I don't actually like doing it. While I like the praise for a meal well prepared and the pleasure of seeing faces enjoying the meal I have placed in front of them none of it makes up for the pain and drudgery of having to not only think what I can make but then go about preparing it.

Don't get me wrong there are days when I am totally up for the challenge and feel positive about the food I am making.  I take pride in adding flavours together and challenging myself to push the boundaries of my food comfort zone.  But unfortunately these days are few and far between, given that anything new I put in front of my darling children at least one of them will turn their pretty little noses up at it.

I don't know about you guys, but my heart breaks alittle when I spend all day cooking and they refuse to eat it and then the next day I present them with chicken nuggets and the wolf it down.  Persistence, you may say, or even, they will look back and appreciate your efforts one day, which quite possibly is true, but you couple this normal parent/child relationship with the fact I don't actually like cooking and you hit an impasse.  I don't like doing it, they don't like eating it. Where do I go from here?

I could give in and just make pizza and nuggets everyday but that goes against every parenting bone in my body.  I was brought up on meat, veg and potatoes every night, how can i possibly not do that for my children as well, plus the other grown ups in the house might complain slightly as they would find a diet based solely on stick it in the oven jobs rather hard to swallow (excuse the pun).

There's always the other possibility of simply handing the job on to someone else, but we all know that's never going to happen unless I drop dead or something.  I could just cook meals I like every day and have everyone complain at me but not give a toss as I would be eating something I like. I could try and get the kids more involved with the cooking but past experience has left me rather scared by these events and the kids are probably traumatised still to this day.  I could go on strike until they all agree to promise to always eat whatever I put before them, but I am pretty sure we'd all starve before this happened.

So my only conclusion is I keep plodding on till they all leave home as most mothers do, then get complained at bitterly that I always cook far to much for "just the two of us" while I'm secretly hoping that one of the kids will pop in and fancy something to eat.

What is really important to you ?

I do understand for all of us this questions has a myriad of answers, answers probably as unique and individual as we are as people.  But I also think we can generalise a bit on this question too for instance.

Most of us that have children will want them to be happy.  But the degrees in what this entails varies, for parents of sick kids, all we want is for them to get better.  If we have a child who is getting bullied at school all we want is for that to stop.  If we have grown up children we want them to be happy in their lives and make good choices.  If we have babies we just want them to stop crying.

For those of us trying to succeed in life whether write that long buried book that is bursting to get out or that catchy tune that will be on every radio station and hummed on every ones lips or the next step on the rung of that extremely long career ladder, what is important is to get noticed, seen or heard.

Then there are those who's value they hold on things is monetary and power.  They see wealth as important and have a deep need to obtain money in whatever way they are able to.  They have a desire to control others and have materialistically all they can get.

Then there are those who are not happy with anything they have and that is what is important to them.  They covert others, in all ways. Simply they are not satisfied with the way their lives have turned out and will never take responsibility for that. They look at others and either critisize or pick on aspects of the other persons life to berate or compare with their own.  Finding fault in how they choose to live their life, jealous and resentful but hiding it behind a vale of contempt and self righteousness.  They choose to feel indignant when someone is doing better than them and spend their time finding ways to bring any other person down rather than looking inward and finding happiness within themselves.  These are the people I pity the most, because what is important to them is not how they can improve themselves or make others feel better, these people are the takers in life.  They are the ones who buy you a gift, then tell you how much it cost them, they want constant praise and flattery, to boost their fragile ego and this is because they have no depth of character of their own to draw from. These people who look at a pretty woman and say "well she's got a fat arse" or "she shouldn't be with him she's a slapper". These people who judge, demean, belittle and have a deep need to always be seen to be doing better than anyone else, lead horrible lives.  Lives lived by others standards because they can never be happy with the standards they set themselves as they can't stand it if they think someone is doing better than them.

People stop caring when you are a taker. When you are constantly wanting praise because you did something nice once and keep reminding everyone. They stop caring when you critise a person because you don't like the way they live their life or clothes they wear, or their makeup or their hairstyle, no one wants to know your opinion its boring and annoying. People stop caring when you are constantly bragging how something was bought for you or money was spent on you its not what is important in life and people truly stop caring when you constantly spend all your time trying to convince the world how stunningly beautiful and attractive you are. It shows how shallow you truly are when these things are certainly not what matters.

I accept I am not the most attractive woman on the planet, I do my hair in the morning, my makeup when I can be bothered, I could lose weight but I like food and I'm fairly healthy. I am nearly 40 I have had 3 babies who are all beautiful and I am just so proud of. I don't have a lot of money but I certainly love what I do for a living and that makes me happy.  I have a man by my side who never ever wants to leave, who I giggle with, who makes me happy and I make happy too, who knows me inside out and accepts all of me (warts and all) who still thinks I am sexy, even with my grey knickers on and who I think is gorgeous.

I have no need to look at others and feel intimidated or threatened by them, I have no need to think I am not good enough because all the facts say I am, I have no need to think bad of others.  But I will always feel the need to protect what I have, to defend it and to look after it because that is WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

Oh Sh*t its 2014 already

Lord, one minute I was panicking about what to buy people, how I was going to pay for it and will they think I'm a cheapskate because I only got them chocolates and the next we are here, New Year!

What a whirlwind, not in the sense that our time has been taken up with relentless parties and endless entertaining because quite frankly its been a quiet one.  Its more the roller coaster of emotions that have been running through the house on a daily basis.  Don't get me wrong they have mostly been positive ones, with hyperactive giggling children, semi drunk over loving teenagers and the continuing honeymoon period of my current relationship but there has been a few dents in the whole rose tinted merriment of the holiday season.

For instance the slight panic I felt on Christmas eve with the prospect of 60 odd presents still to wrapped at 7pm and my designated helper gently snoring on the sofa.  This panic state was quickly averted by me also putting my head down and then us waking up together at 10pm and commencing the wrapping until 1am Christmas morning..See no problem really until of course we were woken up at 5am by 2 very excited little people.

Then there was the Boxing Day or otherwise known as, Mum's 70th birthday, moment of surrealism where we presented Mum with her birthday present...(a meat grinder) which she proceeded to completely unwrap take out the box and study intently. Leaving, what I would consider, some rather gruesome looking apparatus to hand and a strange glint in her eye as she handled the sausage maker expectantly.  I spent the rest of the day with the music of Sweeney Todd randomly popping in to my head at inopportune moments.

Then there was the rather unpleasant news on the 28th where we discovered that the house has damp via an email with alot of red writing and capitalisation in it. This was while we were trying to enjoy a local kids Christmas disco, which had already been slightly spoiled by the fact that Santa had run out of Christmas presents for all the children and had had to make a quick exit back to the sodding North Pole and back again (well that's what it felt like time wise) to magically provide presents to appease all the parents who'd paid the £5 for this enchanting event (tube of milky buttons, not impressed, to be honest though the kids couldn't have cared less of it was just the tube).

By the 30th we'd got to the running out of food stage and it was really a short straw moment as none of us had any desire whatsoever to leave the house, but New Years Day was fast approaching and someone had to go.  Mum was the hero of the hour, because after much wrangling and sighing and haven't we got ANYTHING left at all, she quietly slipped out the front door to return an hour later fully laden with basic essentials and a few goodies as well. A true family hero was greeted on her return, with various grunts from the children and a mumble from me of "did you buy me any chocolate?" (she had).

The infamous last night of the year (New Years Eve) was spent almost in the most perfect way possible, phone calls from the eldest every 90 minutes to tell me that she was still "FINE MOTHER"  The boys were bathed early with vast amounts of their new smellies and nice and settled and the evening was spent in various positions snuggled on the sofa wishing all the friends and family a Happy New Year via facebook, twitter and text, while laughing at some of the horrifically embarrassing images being posted all over the net, even before the clock has reached midnight.

I can honestly say I am as ready for 2014 as I have ever been ready for any new year but I did have a quick wonder what 2054 will be like and whether I will see it, being as that will be my 80th year as apposed to this one being my 40th :-) HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone :-)

The Shopping Trip...

So this week I have gone Christmas shopping with both the other half and my mum.  Not at the same time I might add, that would possibly be hell on earth, probably more stressful than taking the boys food shopping.

Now there are merits in both these adventures into the foray of Christmas present buying.  For instance going with the other half was lovely, we don't get a chance to do much together alone and we were out early enough that we were able to sit down and have a cooked breakfast together.  Never mind the fact it was only a Tescos cafe one, it was simply the fact we were doing something normal, together and without being constantly pulled every which way by the kids wanting our attention.  After our relaxed breakfast we set about the task of purchasing presents, we probably should have had a plan.  But as usual with us it was all a bit spontaneous and impromptu.  We hit Boots the chemist first (does anybody else think that, Boots is a strange name for a place that dispenses medicine ??) and was able to in one foul swoop present buy for 8 nephews, 2 nieces and 2 sisters without breaking a sweat. Good job you might think 12 presents in under 20 minutes.  But Boots wasn't the reason we'd gone to this place of wonder called a shopping centre, no, we had vouchers for Tescos...

After our first success we headed over to the "big" store and quickly ascertained that there was a machine were by a few presses on the screen we would be able to effectively double our vouchers.  A no brainer you may think, well it was up to the point where we had to decide which department we were going to choose to receive our hard earned cash.  Now I don't know about your family but for us it seemed that with every department we chose what we would actually want from that department was, of course, excluded from the double up deal.  Toys and Games, no dvds, no pc games, no game station games, bugger.  Clothing, no pj's, no accessories, no shoes..Tescos are you trying to drive us mad, Health and Beauty, no make up, no skin products, no perfume or gift sets, hey Chairman of Tescos you do know its Christmas don't you ??

Having now spent 10 minutes randomly pressing different parts of the screen we decided that before we could even vaguely think about which department would we get the most value from, that we had to go see for ourselves what each one offered.  So off we went and headed for Toys and Games first. I would never want to argue that one of us knows the kids better than the other because that would just be a foolish statement. But as we walked around the aisle looking bewilderingly at the amount of plastic that was on sale in one moulded form or another.  I came to realise that we know our kids in slightly different ways.  What I mean by this is.  It has become apparent that if daddy and I were to make the same statement to the kids, but at different times, and not when we're together, I have a very strong suspicion that the kids would react in very different ways to both of us.

I don't know why this hasn't occurred to me sooner, but its something I must be aware of I think when I am making a judgement call, say when an incident at school has happened or a problem has arisen. I think if they came from school one day and said they'd got in to trouble for not doing as they were told, I am pretty sure they'd spin the story of events according to which ever parent they were speaking to.  What I mean is, with me I think it would be more slanted on their emotional upset, but with daddy I think the emotional upset would still be there but also a sense of bravado would also be implied.  I don't know whether this is just a male thing or whether it is the same for a girl. Its hard to tell now as the 16 year old is all bravado all the time with both of us, though actually thinking about it, it is less so with daddy.

Ultimately this whole epiphany of thought came to light because we had differing opinions on what the boys would like as their Christmas presents which surprised me somewhat as we discussing the same kids. Happily we compromised on most of it and eventually got through the whole voucher processing and then subsequent queueing and paying for the goods without to much hassle and hopefully we have struck a good balance of parental influence and child personality with each kid's gifts.

Well we'll find out Christmas morning, won't we :-)

What do you expect? what do I expect?

Maybe its me, but sometimes my lack of understanding of the human psyche leaves me bewildered.  I have these days where I feel nothing is going right, that I'm never good enough, that I should just quit.  Then other days where everything falls in to place, the world is my oyster and I am totally untouchable.  My friends assure me that this is normal, everyone has these ups and downs days and I can certainly see it in other people when I look around me.  Teachers for instance you know when your kid comes out of school saying that their teacher spent the day shouting at everyone, you can pretty much guarantee that she was having "one of those days".  What I want to know is basically, how far can we as human beings push other human beings patience when we are having one of our "off" days.  Kids are brilliant at handling adults and their moods, yes your kid might be a bit upset coming out of school on a teachers particularly shouty day, but by the morning they would have pretty much forgotten Miss losing it because they didn't come in from playtime straight away, and will smile happily at Miss say good morning politely and eagerly want to show her some amazing thing they have brought in from home. While you as the adult and parent still feel like ripping her head off because she's traumatised your child.  So you see what I am saying, where in the growing up stage do we lose this ability to just let things go, when does the need to fight your corner, hold on to your feelings and emotional state become so important.  When do we decide we are justified just because we exist? Oh I know there are some arseholes in the world that put everybody back up just because they bully or blast their way through life not once considering the consequences of their actions, but then their are some children like that too and the other kids either put up with it or ignore the kid.  But when we the "normal" folk, the ones that always try to be polite, never cause a fuss and just want to be everyone friend.  When we lose the plot, how far do we expect our fellow human beings to cope with it.  Its only when us normal ones that finally lose it and go bizerk that anyone take notice of us.  So yes shooting into a crowded shopping centre at random people is not acceptable but surely the signs before this would have been there?  Surely someone would have noticed a seemingly normal person become a different one even if they were only little changes. My point is, when can I say to the rest of the world, I'm in a bad mood, I still love you I still want to be your friend, but I am just in a bad mood and they accept that without judgement or pain.  When can I be in a bad mood, and not smile politely at the girl serving me behind the counter and not feel guilty because I am now worried I will have offended her in anyway, when can I just be unreasonable, selfish, self centred and stubborn? I suppose the only real answer is I can't.  None of us can, can we, especially to the ones we love, because it will hurt them, and they are the last people that deserve that.  We can't allow ourselves to be swallowed up with our own emotions, thoughts and feelings because people expect us "normal" ones to behave in a certain way.  We can't be a Diva or a Rude person or a bitch, we can just be us.  We can however let go a little more, not to be better than the rest but to be better for ourselves.  We can take a lesson from the children, let go of the negativity that we get from others and face the new day with positivity. Allow others to release their emotions in an inappropriate or appropriate way, we don't need to rise to it, we don't need to fight our corner, or make our point.  We can just let it go, not because we don't care, but because we care very much.  If we let it go we can maybe help deal with the other persons issues and if they don't want that, then that's fine too, we can walk away from it with a clear conscience no guilt that we have added to whatever is giving them this emotional stress. So tomorrow I will take the example set by my children, I will accept that there will be people around me who are in a bad mood, whether they are close to my heart or not, but I won't let it crush me, I won't let it affect me, I will try to help because I am a caring person and I do want to help others, but if the help I offer is rejected I will not hold onto the feeling of hurt at the rejection I will just let it go, and walk away knowing I did all I could and that I should hold no guilt.  This will not make me a bad person, this will make me a person who wants to be in control over what goes on in her own head, who wants to be in control over what is important to her, and not allow others to control or try to damage her hard earned self esteem and respect and if others don't like it they don't need to be around it.  I am who I am, I get in to bad moods, I don't expect you to like it, but then I don't like yours either, but that is ok, because I am not going to hold on to it, I will help if I can but if I can't I can't. Life isn't easy for anyone and no one has the right to demand anything from anyone else (unless they are your children, then they can have every last thing you can give them) and no one needs to feel they aren't good enough, or worthy enough, or thankful to another person for their own existence. We are all equal and we are all beautiful.

The Wedding Photographer

Now I am no expert on the whole wedding thing.  I have had my own, I've been to a few, and now I have even been the photographer for a couple.  And each of these 3 perspectives has a completely different feel to them.  Oh some things are the same, people are generally happy at weddings, the bride and groom are always in a bit of a daze and grinning a lot, there's usually a gorgeously dressed baby who everyone coos over and the really old person that everyone is a bit nervous around. But having been the bride, the guest and the official photographer I think I am safe to say the latter is my favourite. Don't get me wrong I loved my wedding, but only because of who I was marrying, the party and the photos were additional.  The only important bit for me was the ceremony and the signing, after that it was more a party for everyone else, I'd done my bit. And its always nice when you get invited to a wedding, though I find the whole thing slightly stressful, trying to decide what to buy and how much to spend, then there's the whole dressing the part, shall we co-ordinate as a family or shall I just let the boys go in jeans and a t-shirt as they beg me not to have to wear a suit. Then there is the whole, are the children allowed to be there at all thing..In fact it always shocks me when I see an invite that expressly forbids you to bring your child.  Its at times like that I wonder why they invite people that have little ones if they are so anti them, or is this going to be some sort of X rated do that children shouldn't really be exposed too, who are these people ???? Then of course when you get there and you have to smile politely at people you don't really know, listen to tales of when you were little and you shat you're pants round Auntie Ethel's or worse still have random people who you met when you where in college who you really don't remember as you spent most of the time either pissed or stoned, greet you like you are BFF's and then they begin to tell you how amazing and wonderful it would be if you could get together for a drink to catch up, while all the time you are desperately trying to remember their name..Anyway my point is this being the "official" photographer allows you to still be at the wedding and get to see it and enjoy it, but nobody expects you to actually take part in any of it.  You can watch on the sidelines snapping away, catching treasured moments and secret whispers. People walk past you with an air of slight admiration and awe "so you are the one taking the all important photos, you must be good then" and they always eye the equipment sceptically like its going to jump up and bite them or somehow catch them doing something they shouldn't, but at the same time, panicking not to "hurt" any of it. So now at weddings I have authority, for a short time I get to boss the entire event around, people have to do as I say even the bride and groom and its all great. But my most favourite part of it all is capturing the other couples looking in to each others eyes reminiscing about their own wedding days. The little girls looking wondrously at the bride in her beautiful sparkling dress, the moment of the first kiss as a married couple and groom standing nervously waiting for the women of his dreams to be his forever. It is without doubt a magical event in our lives, and I am so happy I am getting to share it with so many good people, but kinda glad I'm not actually part of it bit like the Vicar really lol :-)

Too much, too little where do I find the balance....

Everyone goes on and on about parenting a teenager and how difficult it is. How their child becomes alien to them and how they can't communicate with their child and to be honest I always thought this was a bit of an exaggeration.  Well damn and blast haven't I come to the conclusion that no, really, it is that bad.  I so don't want to become one of those do as I say or else kind of parents but it feels as if she is trying to back me in to a corner to make it happen and then, just like that, she does something wonderful or makes a gesture of love which leaves me there stood still with the knowledge and feeling of well being that something is getting through.

I tell you there is nothing more scary than "officials" deciding if you are a good parent. With the split in Jan and the nature of it, the courts have taken an interest in the welfare of my children.  Its horrible and scary and while the rational side of my brain sees the logic and appreciates what is happening, the mummy in me is screaming.  If you knew me well, you'd know my children are my life and that I would never ever do anything detrimental to them.  But sifting through the massive amount of parent advise I am finding it difficult to ascertain what is best for them.  On the one hand I am being told that ideally children benefit from two parents and that contact with the father should be encouraged and he should be involved but on the other hand I have the courts telling me to hold fire they want to do assessments first.  Then there is the pressure he is placing on the children, telling them its my fault he can't see them and that I could make it all better.  Why would he do this?  He was there when the Judge made his order but for some twisted reason of his own he wants to try and drive a wedge between the kids and I. Telling the 6 year old "don't worry boy they can't keep us apart forever, just keep telling mummy you want to go to the park with me".  I then have to spend half an hour explaining that none of this situation is our fault and if there is anyone to blame its daddy for not being able to control himself.  What am I suppose to do? There is no way I am going to do anything that might jeopardise the powers that be's faith in me as a parent and I have been told on no uncertain terms that the contact stays as it is for the time being.  In the meantime Mr I have rights and I want to see my kids, has raised concerns over my parenting skills but is still not providing any regular maintenance for the children and doesn't seemed bothered by the fact that he isn't helping to keep a roof over their heads.  Does he seriously think that someone who has a pending criminal trial on his head would be given custody of his children? does he want the kids to go in to care? The kids themselves in the meantime are growing up happy, healthy and confident in this single parent family.  Everyone who spends time with has remarked on how well they are getting on and how much more settled they seem.  They are looking forward to their well deserved time off over the summer and I plan to do lots of things with them, just hope we start getting some decent weather.

Anyway sorry for ranting, still trying to get things off my chest.  Its going to be a long process and unfortunately this is one of my ways of venting. I will try for a happier post soon, I promise..! xx

Where words will never comfort and time will never heal......

Nothing brings the mind in to focus more than hearing of a death of a child.   I pretty much suspect that everyone that heard yesterday of the little 12 year old boy who died so suddenly and unexpectedly at his home in our little town has been deeply shocked by the news.

Everyone knows everyone around here many many of the children would be friends with this little boy and have known him all his life. When your children turn to you and ask "why?" what are you suppose to say.  This little boy hadn't been in an accident or sick for a long time, he just been taken from his family in a blink of an eye.  I am struggling to make sense of this. 

Since we started living here 2 other children and been taken, both of those in tragic accidents and for these parents I suppose their is something to focus their anger on to.  But to try understand the grand scheme of things when a child is taken for no apparent reason is very hard to do.

Never is my faith more shaken then at times like this.  To have some one say this is God's will offends me to my deepest core.  If we are made in his image then he would know that this is not our will and therefore how can it be his own.  Some say he is a harsh and vengeful God and to them I say well why do I need to follow him then.  Others say, God wanted him to be by his side and to them I say, but why?, why does God need a young boy like that?

No one can make sense of this tragic loss for me, and no one can comfort the grieving family that's been left behind.  Just remember the next time they are driving you up the wall and you feel like tearing your hair out that it can all be taken from you in the blink of an eye and then all you would be doing is begging for it all to be back again.

For now my thoughts are with this poor family and tonight I will hold my children a little closer to me at bedtime.

"Please don't get my toddler drunk"

What is it with the older generation and alcohol? They suffer the effects of years of smoking and drinking on their bodies, they've been told time and time again that they need to lead a healthy lifestyle just like the rest of us and still they think its a good idea to give babies "a drop of brandy" if they are crying or a toddler a sip of lager because they are curious and its funny to see the look on the little ones face.

My mum decided to have a glass of wine with her dinner the other day at my house.  I saw the potential for an argument brewing.  Humf went to keep her company while she ate and to naturally help out with any eating she might need a hand with.  While in the kitchen I hear my mother quietly say "go on smell it" and then a giggle.  Humf was at her wine.."mum don't let him drink your wine please" "I'm not he's just smelling it" another giggle..."MUM don't let him drink your wine" "I'm not he's just trying it" Oh for goodness sake !  The row ensued quickly after that.

Really the argument from them of "well, we did it and we turned out alright" really falls flat by the fact the NHS is straining under the pressure of dealing with the 50+ whose lifestyles up until now haven't exactly been ideal.  That and the fact that most of them have a alot to say about young people and alcohol and how society is being ruined.  At same time advising their 30+ kids to give the baby a drop of whiskey at bedtime to "help" him sleep.

Don't get me wrong, I love my older generation and gain alot of valuable advise from them, its just I can't fathom their attitude to drinking and how it just seems to go against any normal thinking.

Ok so its been about 3 weeks....

Haven't blogged for a while because quiet frankly the kakka has hit the fan.  From an incident that happened before Christmas to me finally plucking up the courage to do something about it until today has been a rollercoaster. 

So my life has changed forever once more, the path I believed I was on has disappeared in to the void and I am faced with the totally unknown once again.  To be honest this time I feel more prepared than I have ever done in the past.  I know my only focus in life is to do the best for my kids so I have a clear goal in that respect.  This encompasses many aspects of my life that until now I hadn't realised.  My college work is so important to me, because 1, hopefully it will provide me with a good career that will support my children and their growing needs, 2, it gives them some measure of respect for me that I am able to do I all the things I demand from them.  Namely believe in yourself, work hard and aim high. 3 It can instill in them a sense of no matter what life throws at you, there are ways of dealing and coping with that and that it can be enriching and rewarding even though it may not feel like it at the time.

On a social level, yes its hard doing it all by yourself but not having the constant angst and arguing in the house means I feel freer and I physically have more time.  How bad is that, now he is gone I actually have more time to do things round the house then when he was here and "suppose" to be helping.  I can be myself, learn who that person is again and take sometime to get to know myself.  I can relax without the constant fear that I might do or say something that will trigger an argument and this also benefits the children as their mother is allowed to bloom so will they be.

5 weeks he's been gone, 5 weeks and Ninja has already been put up a set in the classroom, his reading has jumped 2 sub levels. He has started writing short stories by himself for pleasure and is he is becoming more responsible, more mature and good natured.  5 weeks he's been gone, and the smile is back on my daughters face she is bubbly, happy and revelling in being young, gorgeous and adored by her mother. She spends time with me, she plays with her brothers, she partakes in almost all family life.  She has grown in confidence and now faces what is a scary future for her too with bravery.  5 weeks he's been gone and the baby is the baby, he talks now, he argues and he is determined but he also listens and understands more, is more willing to be patient and is starting to show empathy for those around him especially his brother and his sister.

3 months ago I would never have believe we would be better off without him, he was such a massive part of our lives, dominating everything we were and what we did.  But he was/is a bully, who controlled through fear and violence and he was damaging us all.  I see that now very clearly and I think I saw it then also but was to ashamed to admit I'd "F**ked up" once again.   For the first time ever I can say I have regret, I regret I didn't get the hell out of that relationship sooner.

I have my kids, I have my freedom, I am going to have a life.

Have you ever tried to get jelly off of bedcovers ??

This is how I spent a good ten minutes this morning before I caved in and shoved all the bedding in the washing machine...It is tumble drying as we speak and I am assuming it all be fine (fingers crossed). I've been having a bit of an OCD day today so far..I was highly irritated to find that the felt pen lids did not match the felt pen colours, berated the children and then sat there painfully pulling pens and tops apart and putting the right ones on. Baring in mind that my wonderful children had at least attempted to put the pens away nicely having finished playing with them (no mean feet considering they are children and one is only 20 months old). NO I had to get het up about the fact the colours didn't match. I shall be making it up to them later by allow the dreaded paints to come out !!! the messiest of messy plays and consoling myself with the fact I must just be hormonal and it'll pass.

Maybe its just the weather but little one is on his third change of clothes and its only 1.30pm..mud from the garden and macaroni cheese for lunch and I have a third load of washing to do...oh and plus the blasted duvet !! Starting to really crave some summer sun now !! Just to be able to walk around the garden without needing to be hosed down before we come back inside would be lovely. Maybe its time to buy my own desert island, get rid of anything on that might kill you and live off the land on the beach...Oh heck what am I talking about I am a five star hotel sort of girl and quiet frankly archnids and insects scare the hell out of me !!

PS Just did spell checker three times before I realised that the reason nothing was happening wasn't that it wasn't working it was actually that i had spelt everything correctly "unbelieveable" !!!. Yep didn't again I am on a roll whoohoo !!