What is your inner voice telling you?

We all have one whether we recognise it or not. That little voice inside our heads which ways up our decisions and berates us when we get it wrong.

Mine of late seems to be shouting or possibly even screaming in my head to give what for to a few people. Never a coward in any situation, a trait that has left me in circumstances of which I will get beaten anyway but I keep fighting to the bitter end. I find myself at the end of a battle that I can't retaliate in, but my inner voice so desperately wants to.

Reasons for this restraint are easy to explain and so I shall.

1.  Its not worth it.  Self explanatory really my life is better off by not doing it.  It won't get me anywhere, it won't make me a better person and I won't proving anything to anyone just making an idiot out of myself.

2. My relationships would suffer.  This is a biggy, I am not prepared to allow anyone to drag my family's contentment, happiness, unity or love in to a gutter brawl with people that quite frankly have no business voicing opinions on my or my family's life.

3. I'm better than that.  Yes I will always protect and defend my family but these people have no influence on them, they aren't impacting anyone of this family, comments on social media, emails and videos can all be ignored, deleted or laughed at.

4. I have nothing to prove.  People will always want to talk, they will always want to gossip its human nature that doesn't for 1 second make whatever they are saying to be a truth.  I can count my blessing on one hand my children and my partner.  My friends are the sprinkles of deliciousness on the top of life and I am grateful that so many have stood by me, so many tell me they love me.  My friendships don't come from lies they come from the ugly truths that we've shared and we've supported each other through, strong bonds built through trust. So me screaming from the top of my voice that's not me the person you are saying I am, I am not like that at all, is pointless because those that matter know who I am, love who I am and respect who I am.

5. If I retaliate I would be feeding a sickness of the mind that I am so better off staying well away from.  Someone who lives in a fantasy land of their own making.  Who spends too much of their time listening to that inner voice and acting on it continuously, is not healthy, especially when that inner voice is also a little bit sick and twisted too.  We all have a "ideal" of who we'd like the world to see us as, whether that be the saint or the sinner, the studier or the partier or the whatever. But that ideal we try to project doesn't always come across to rest of the planet the way you'd expect it.  You may like to think you are a kind sweet innocent person but then if you act upon your inner more basic voice who demands that you gain what you want no matter the cost then you aren't that sweet and innocent are you?

My point being to all this, is my inner voice wants to defend herself against a barrage of spiteful venomous comments made against her, which are based on no facts, just the ideas and thoughts from an attention seeking, insecure woman who should know better at her age who has nothing better to do with her time than comment on, read, and make judgements on a family that has nothing to do with her, that she isn't involved with, related to or has any connection with, her children aren't related to, her partner isn't related to in fact I am at a loss to why if she truly wants to get on with her life and she's so much happier now she still feels she needs to keep any form of contact she can ?? But as I suggested there maybe a screw loose somewhere up there.

Hence my inner voice can keep screaming but I shall not be answering.  I will continue to post on social media the things I think are funny or interesting or matter to me for people to either read or not read but I will not be hauled into a no win argument with anyone especially someone who has no relevance in my life whatsoever even if they are trying to use every spiteful nasty thing they can conjour up in their heads.

Oh Sh*t its 2014 already

Lord, one minute I was panicking about what to buy people, how I was going to pay for it and will they think I'm a cheapskate because I only got them chocolates and the next we are here, New Year!

What a whirlwind, not in the sense that our time has been taken up with relentless parties and endless entertaining because quite frankly its been a quiet one.  Its more the roller coaster of emotions that have been running through the house on a daily basis.  Don't get me wrong they have mostly been positive ones, with hyperactive giggling children, semi drunk over loving teenagers and the continuing honeymoon period of my current relationship but there has been a few dents in the whole rose tinted merriment of the holiday season.

For instance the slight panic I felt on Christmas eve with the prospect of 60 odd presents still to wrapped at 7pm and my designated helper gently snoring on the sofa.  This panic state was quickly averted by me also putting my head down and then us waking up together at 10pm and commencing the wrapping until 1am Christmas morning..See no problem really until of course we were woken up at 5am by 2 very excited little people.

Then there was the Boxing Day or otherwise known as, Mum's 70th birthday, moment of surrealism where we presented Mum with her birthday present...(a meat grinder) which she proceeded to completely unwrap take out the box and study intently. Leaving, what I would consider, some rather gruesome looking apparatus to hand and a strange glint in her eye as she handled the sausage maker expectantly.  I spent the rest of the day with the music of Sweeney Todd randomly popping in to my head at inopportune moments.

Then there was the rather unpleasant news on the 28th where we discovered that the house has damp via an email with alot of red writing and capitalisation in it. This was while we were trying to enjoy a local kids Christmas disco, which had already been slightly spoiled by the fact that Santa had run out of Christmas presents for all the children and had had to make a quick exit back to the sodding North Pole and back again (well that's what it felt like time wise) to magically provide presents to appease all the parents who'd paid the £5 for this enchanting event (tube of milky buttons, not impressed, to be honest though the kids couldn't have cared less of it was just the tube).

By the 30th we'd got to the running out of food stage and it was really a short straw moment as none of us had any desire whatsoever to leave the house, but New Years Day was fast approaching and someone had to go.  Mum was the hero of the hour, because after much wrangling and sighing and haven't we got ANYTHING left at all, she quietly slipped out the front door to return an hour later fully laden with basic essentials and a few goodies as well. A true family hero was greeted on her return, with various grunts from the children and a mumble from me of "did you buy me any chocolate?" (she had).

The infamous last night of the year (New Years Eve) was spent almost in the most perfect way possible, phone calls from the eldest every 90 minutes to tell me that she was still "FINE MOTHER"  The boys were bathed early with vast amounts of their new smellies and nice and settled and the evening was spent in various positions snuggled on the sofa wishing all the friends and family a Happy New Year via facebook, twitter and text, while laughing at some of the horrifically embarrassing images being posted all over the net, even before the clock has reached midnight.

I can honestly say I am as ready for 2014 as I have ever been ready for any new year but I did have a quick wonder what 2054 will be like and whether I will see it, being as that will be my 80th year as apposed to this one being my 40th :-) HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone :-)

There is potential for randomness......

Morning/afternoon/evening for whatever time you are reading this. For me I am writing on a Thursday morning on half term week, which means that I am almost done with another school holiday and have managed to survive with only one wall covered in pen and no trips to A&E (so far). Ok single life over the last 5 months hasn't been half as scary as I thought it was going to be.  Every day is an adventure and for every obstacle overcome I gain a little more self respect and faith in myself. Having said that, as I hurtle towards the first of the kids birthdays as a single mum, I have found myself questioning lots of decisions.  Humf is turning 3 a week today and its been a rollercoaster for this little man so far in his three little years.  He's been through and faced possibly the worst time in his mothers life and just had to cope right from the day he was born. With this in mind I may have gone slightly overboard in trying to make his birthday special and I'll just have to try to find party bag fillers for 30 preschoolers and cater for these extremely demanding party food connoisseurs.  I am employing specialized disagreement mediators in case there are any arguments and bouncers in case we get gatecrashers or possible escapees. At least I'm not doing it all at home.  

Had a falling out with a facebook "friend" this week.  I don't know about you, but I try to be non judgemental when reading other people statuses even if i don't agree with the post.  I had received a speeding fine through the mail and had a little moan about the fact that Northants Police were very quick to charge me on doing 36 in a 30 zone but are taking nearly 6 months to deal with another far more serious matter.  Anyway this "friend" decided to start berating me for "speeding" and even when it was explained that I am a good driver and that it is well known that the police are only ever there as a money making exercises because no one has been run over in the town let alone just that one road, she still felt it necessary to lambaste me. In the end I politely asked her to delete me as she clearly wasn't prepared to listen and take on aboard anything that I or other people were saying and therefore I didn't want her to be part of my life.  She kindly obliged.  What I don't understand is why she felt is necessary to not only upset me with her comments and accusations but also the other people who were posting comments as well.  Its not as if she has to deal with these people personally on a day to day basis or even with them at all, what did she possibly have to gain by intentionally putting peoples backs up?

I think I know why they teaches us geometry in school. Its so when we have kids of our own and they come to us for help we can stare at them with wild panic in our eyes and have to admit to them that we just don't know everything.  They can then feel superior and so start the teenage process as it means to go on, them going round with a mildly over inflated ego and you tearing your hair out. This came to a head the other day when mooki moo brought her maths homework to me with a whine of "help me".  She handed me a piece of paper with various shapes, formulas and questions on volume, I had not a clue and as I went to open my mouth got told, there's no point as I obviously don't understand it and how is this possible when you are an accountant.  I then tried to explain that there is very little geometry in accounting but she'd already walked out in a huff by then. Somewhere the Gods of maths are sitting around chuckling at me I'm sure of it.  

Anyway I am sure you have had enough of my ramblings and its a lovely day so I suppose I should get us all ready and take us somewhere educational and fun. Speak to you soon you lovely lovely people xxx

Top ten countdown of things you might do that will annoy your teenage daughter

10. Try to sing along to have favourite song of the moment (well you have heard sooo many times coming through the bedroom door)

9. Tell her, her skirt is too short and she needs thicker tights.

8. Not notice she's had her hair cut with Nanny.

7. Not notice she's just dyed her hair again.

6. Not notice her hair.

5. Tell her your not sure how to do geometry anymore as it was quite a long time ago that you did it at school.

4. Ask her to make you a cup of tea.

And the top three are................

3. Ask her to tidy up her room.

2. Post a comment under her status on facebook.

1. Walk in to the bathroom, while she's having a shower and say "Ooo I love that bum"

I'm going to get in to trouble for posting this aren't I? Oh well I'm sure I'll be adding more to the list anyway ;0)