Ways in which we self harm with no weapon...

When we think of the term "self harm" we think of teenagers with razors or addicts refusing to get help, but I think the problem is a far wider one with a good percentage of the population coming under the umbrella of "self harm" at one point or another in our lives.

For instance who hasn't looked at up an ex just to "see" what ever he or she is doing knowing full well that they have probably moved on with their lives and are seeing other people. We know that seeing this will insight some emotional response mostly we hope the response we want to get from ourselves is contempt or relief but 9 times out of 10 it only gives us pain but we still go ahead and do it.

I'd like to think that no one is ignorant to the fact that abuse in relationships is not healthy or right and yet there are thousands of people that stay within an abusive relationship with flimsy justifications of why we should stay or how breaking up isn't an option.

Then there are those people who are spend their lives trying to compete in a contest that no one else is involved in. They spend precious time and energy scratching around for information about a person and then try to compete with that person in an effort to somehow "one up" them and that continuously fails as the target of their obsession is normally ignorant of them and so the person is in a never ending cycle of disappointment and with that further deflating their self esteem and actually harming themselves.

As I think about these things it seems to me that people feel a need to punish themselves which in turn allows them to feel in control of their own being.

From the day we are born we are being told what to do by other human beings for good or bad we are instructed in the many ways it takes to become an adult and while for the most part this is done with good intentions and love it is also done with the sense that it must be done, that it is the only thing that is to be done and when the rules aren't followed then punishment of any kind is often quick to follow.

As adults we are suddenly let out in to the world without further instruction and without the familiarity of rules and punishment which has given us our sense of security for the last 18 years.

When my eldest child turned 18 last year I was shocked to see the fear on her face at the realisation that she was now solely responsible for herself.  Obviously over the last few months she has come to terms with that, reassured by us as parents that we aren't going to just abandon her now she is 18 but also respecting the fact she must make her decisions about where she wants to go and how she wants to proceed with her life. What strikes me is that with that sense of fear she first felt it can be followed by anxiety and the feeling of losing control over the life she's always known and this in turn may bring her to try and emulate the limits and guidelines we have given her while growing up.

Now we all know that being an adult is nothing like being a child and the rules of the games are not the same so to it makes sense to try and self govern when a world of possibility is opened up to you in one turn of the 24 hour clock and while we may try impose on ourselves values and ideals that we think are right we are often left floundering when things don't turn out how we expected them to. This is when the "self punishment" side of our character kicks in,

I think we use this as a way to control and correct mistakes we feel we have made.  If we can "tell ourselves off" to the point of either mental or physical pain we feel we can make our lives go the way we'd like them to, as in the way we can "sorry" as a child and make everything better again.

I feel it is good that this is something I am aware of in my own personality, with a constant stream of chatter in my head telling me I'm not good enough the impulse to do things that I know will cause me pain is very strong as a way of a "punishment" to myself. It is a constant thing that I need to remind myself that I am good enough and I am worthy even when I make the occasional mistake.

I hope I can keep fighting the battle and that I don't get swallowed in to a vicious cycle of mentally self harming myself, as not only will I suffer but my family will suffer too.

Pathological Liars...Is it a disease of the mind?

I know its been a while again with this whole blogging thing but hubbie said something to me this weekend that has got me thinking and also wanting to discuss it a bit.

On this rare and treasured evening out without our darling children, where we were able to just talk, be together and say what we are thinking, he told me that one of the qualities of me he finds astounding is my ability to "just be me" in all situations.

With me he sees an honesty about who I am, I don't hide behind lies or masks I am me, take me as I am. He says this is a pure honesty when he sees me in social situations he sees me, Caroline, not a masked person hiding from who they really are, not the joker, or the aggressor, the loud one, the bubbly one, the one who thinks they are gods gift, the mutton dressed as lamb or the one who needs a few glasses of something to relax, he sees just me good or bad, boring or funny, the person he loves.

As I said before this got me thinking about all those people who front the world with a persona. Those who put on a mask and are so frightened of what people think of them they aren't even able to be honest with themselves. Because being honest with yourself is truly a hard thing to do and if you are constantly lying about who you are, being honest with yourself is even harder as you start to believe your own lies.

While I understand a lot of people live with this mask thing and 9 times out of 10 it does no harm, I worry about those who are so lost in their ability to recognise who they really are that reality actually slips and all that is left is the persona one that needs constant bolstering and investing in.

Think about it if you are constantly worrying about letting the mask slip you are actually not getting to enjoy life.  Never is this more apparent then the false worlds that are shown via social media the constant need for recognistion as it only seems "fair" that all this effort is going in to make this life seem so amazingly perfect others should admire, appreciate it or even envy it.  What happens when these needy people don't get the adulation they think they deserve, they of course go on the attack.

Liars whether it be outwardly to others around them or inwardly to themselves already have a slight bent towards creating fantasy lives, loves and realities. Social media is a perfect platform for this and mostly can carry on living in their virtual worlds harmlessly.  Those pathological liars, liars who've spent their entire lives living in their lies who get called out, shown up, humiliated even, are a dangerous bunch, willing to go to to extreme measures to have their thoughts and fantasies validated again.

They will attempt to drag anyone and everyone into their dark place to back up their own ideas their own internal thoughts to bring people into their webs so they can continue to hide from themselves because that is their true aim.  Spinning tales of fantasy, attacking those who don't accept it, creating further lies to reach those who aren't interested, all these tactics are used purely to bolster the constantly crumbling wall that they are using to protect themselves from essentially themselves.

Its like the caked on make up on the pretty woman, she has so little self worth, so little belief in herself and is so frightened that beneath it all, there is nothing there that anyone would be interested in.  The liars will pile on more and more lies, will work through every angle, try every avenue to bolster the wall and gain the recognition they think they deserve.  They will use tactics to try to worm their way into peoples lives they think they can manipulate to hold up their fantasy lives and will try to tear down anyone lives they perceive as a threat to their made up realities.

So my question is, is this a sickness, a mental illness, or are they just born this way? also how the hell do we keep ourselves away from them, protect our children from them and recognise one when it comes our way?
 

Meeting my mother-in-law again, teaching me about alzheimers and dementia

Through no fault of anyone really but through circumstances I haven't had very much contact with my kids Nanny on their Dads side.  A little dot of a woman, who in my memory of her when him & I first got together was fiercely protective of her family and very proud of her kids. She always struck me as someone not to mess with, but if she accepted you she'd be as welcoming and loving as if you were her own flesh and blood. 

Now this woman, who'd worked all her life, who had a wicked sense of humour and a sharp eagle eyed brain, came to visit us for the first time in 3 years. Hubbie had told me that she was suffering with Alzheimer's and dementia and over the last few years it had really taken its toll.  He warned me that she might not know who I am or that she might say something inappropriate so I was fairly apprehensive about the visit.

Having heard about Alzheimer's from the media and from friends who work in the elderly care industry, I knew that she might become quite upset if she felt lost or she didn't comprehend what was happening around her which is totally understandable.  I was worried that the kids would freak her out, or not be gentle and frighten her with their loud boyish behaviour.  She is very very fragile, being very underweight but apart from needing to bulk up a bit she is surprisingly fit ( well maybe not surprising, she has good strong Irish genes running through her core ).  

Anyway I really didn't need to worry about any of these things.  After the long journey up Hubbie brought her in to the house and while she looked tired, she immediately gave me a massive cuddle, and said "I haven't seen you for such a long time Caroline" I nearly burst into tears there and then.

We settled her in with a cup of tea, I put her slippers on for her and the kids settled down next to her on the sofa.  For the next few hours we talked, drank tea and smoked cigarettes (in the garden).  Rather than being overwhelmed by being in a strange environment she seemed to relish it, constantly remarking on how lovely the house is, rather than not remembering who I was, it was if I had seen her last week with the warmth and friendship still strong. The children adored being with her and she in turn was gentle and calm with them, watching them playing and commenting on how like their father they are at the same age (like we all didn't know lol) 

I found her a proud woman still, wanting to be productive and feeling apologetic when I would help her, though I constantly told her it was my pleasure.  She couldn't quite remember the names of all our animals though to be fair I have trouble sometimes, but she would ask their names when she'd forgotten them as it seemed knowing this was important. Sometimes I would look at her and she seemed lost in thought which maybe she was, but she would come round quite quickly when she saw a familiar face which I was grateful mine was one of them. There was none of the aggression that I had read about, and I tried to involve her with all the conversations that were going on, asking her opinion or her advice, or asking her to draw on a memory from long ago.  We talked of Hubbies dad and how she always wishes him a goodnight still, and the day he left our lives. I told her I think he's been to visit since then and that pleased her.

So for me it seemed for the most part she was lucid, engaged and involved with the family and not this distant vacant shell of a person I was worried I would find.  For the most part she was still my mother in law of old. But sometimes, when she got tired, or when the kids had got too much, she seemed to lose herself, and where she was, the confusion clouded her face but I would spot this quickly, draw her attention and engage her again and this seemed to help a great deal.

It was a lovely 2 days, and I was extremely proud of how the kids fussed and showered Nanny with affection, sometimes to the point it left her speechless.  We all agreed that the trip had been a success and that Nanny was to definitely come and stay again,  hopefully her second visit will be as successful, as she's already mentioned a BBQ in the summer and I suggested a little walk round our lovely town as well for next time.

We don't have links to the past for long and I am just so glad we've still got enough time for the children to benefit from both Nanny's and to get to know both sides of their heritage, she also allows me a little look into where my Hubbie comes from too :-).

Roll on the next visit, though will remind Hubbie to bring her coat with next time bless her and I will make sure there is lots of bacon in lol !!!

What is your inner voice telling you?

We all have one whether we recognise it or not. That little voice inside our heads which ways up our decisions and berates us when we get it wrong.

Mine of late seems to be shouting or possibly even screaming in my head to give what for to a few people. Never a coward in any situation, a trait that has left me in circumstances of which I will get beaten anyway but I keep fighting to the bitter end. I find myself at the end of a battle that I can't retaliate in, but my inner voice so desperately wants to.

Reasons for this restraint are easy to explain and so I shall.

1.  Its not worth it.  Self explanatory really my life is better off by not doing it.  It won't get me anywhere, it won't make me a better person and I won't proving anything to anyone just making an idiot out of myself.

2. My relationships would suffer.  This is a biggy, I am not prepared to allow anyone to drag my family's contentment, happiness, unity or love in to a gutter brawl with people that quite frankly have no business voicing opinions on my or my family's life.

3. I'm better than that.  Yes I will always protect and defend my family but these people have no influence on them, they aren't impacting anyone of this family, comments on social media, emails and videos can all be ignored, deleted or laughed at.

4. I have nothing to prove.  People will always want to talk, they will always want to gossip its human nature that doesn't for 1 second make whatever they are saying to be a truth.  I can count my blessing on one hand my children and my partner.  My friends are the sprinkles of deliciousness on the top of life and I am grateful that so many have stood by me, so many tell me they love me.  My friendships don't come from lies they come from the ugly truths that we've shared and we've supported each other through, strong bonds built through trust. So me screaming from the top of my voice that's not me the person you are saying I am, I am not like that at all, is pointless because those that matter know who I am, love who I am and respect who I am.

5. If I retaliate I would be feeding a sickness of the mind that I am so better off staying well away from.  Someone who lives in a fantasy land of their own making.  Who spends too much of their time listening to that inner voice and acting on it continuously, is not healthy, especially when that inner voice is also a little bit sick and twisted too.  We all have a "ideal" of who we'd like the world to see us as, whether that be the saint or the sinner, the studier or the partier or the whatever. But that ideal we try to project doesn't always come across to rest of the planet the way you'd expect it.  You may like to think you are a kind sweet innocent person but then if you act upon your inner more basic voice who demands that you gain what you want no matter the cost then you aren't that sweet and innocent are you?

My point being to all this, is my inner voice wants to defend herself against a barrage of spiteful venomous comments made against her, which are based on no facts, just the ideas and thoughts from an attention seeking, insecure woman who should know better at her age who has nothing better to do with her time than comment on, read, and make judgements on a family that has nothing to do with her, that she isn't involved with, related to or has any connection with, her children aren't related to, her partner isn't related to in fact I am at a loss to why if she truly wants to get on with her life and she's so much happier now she still feels she needs to keep any form of contact she can ?? But as I suggested there maybe a screw loose somewhere up there.

Hence my inner voice can keep screaming but I shall not be answering.  I will continue to post on social media the things I think are funny or interesting or matter to me for people to either read or not read but I will not be hauled into a no win argument with anyone especially someone who has no relevance in my life whatsoever even if they are trying to use every spiteful nasty thing they can conjour up in their heads.

The Shopping Trip...

So this week I have gone Christmas shopping with both the other half and my mum.  Not at the same time I might add, that would possibly be hell on earth, probably more stressful than taking the boys food shopping.

Now there are merits in both these adventures into the foray of Christmas present buying.  For instance going with the other half was lovely, we don't get a chance to do much together alone and we were out early enough that we were able to sit down and have a cooked breakfast together.  Never mind the fact it was only a Tescos cafe one, it was simply the fact we were doing something normal, together and without being constantly pulled every which way by the kids wanting our attention.  After our relaxed breakfast we set about the task of purchasing presents, we probably should have had a plan.  But as usual with us it was all a bit spontaneous and impromptu.  We hit Boots the chemist first (does anybody else think that, Boots is a strange name for a place that dispenses medicine ??) and was able to in one foul swoop present buy for 8 nephews, 2 nieces and 2 sisters without breaking a sweat. Good job you might think 12 presents in under 20 minutes.  But Boots wasn't the reason we'd gone to this place of wonder called a shopping centre, no, we had vouchers for Tescos...

After our first success we headed over to the "big" store and quickly ascertained that there was a machine were by a few presses on the screen we would be able to effectively double our vouchers.  A no brainer you may think, well it was up to the point where we had to decide which department we were going to choose to receive our hard earned cash.  Now I don't know about your family but for us it seemed that with every department we chose what we would actually want from that department was, of course, excluded from the double up deal.  Toys and Games, no dvds, no pc games, no game station games, bugger.  Clothing, no pj's, no accessories, no shoes..Tescos are you trying to drive us mad, Health and Beauty, no make up, no skin products, no perfume or gift sets, hey Chairman of Tescos you do know its Christmas don't you ??

Having now spent 10 minutes randomly pressing different parts of the screen we decided that before we could even vaguely think about which department would we get the most value from, that we had to go see for ourselves what each one offered.  So off we went and headed for Toys and Games first. I would never want to argue that one of us knows the kids better than the other because that would just be a foolish statement. But as we walked around the aisle looking bewilderingly at the amount of plastic that was on sale in one moulded form or another.  I came to realise that we know our kids in slightly different ways.  What I mean by this is.  It has become apparent that if daddy and I were to make the same statement to the kids, but at different times, and not when we're together, I have a very strong suspicion that the kids would react in very different ways to both of us.

I don't know why this hasn't occurred to me sooner, but its something I must be aware of I think when I am making a judgement call, say when an incident at school has happened or a problem has arisen. I think if they came from school one day and said they'd got in to trouble for not doing as they were told, I am pretty sure they'd spin the story of events according to which ever parent they were speaking to.  What I mean is, with me I think it would be more slanted on their emotional upset, but with daddy I think the emotional upset would still be there but also a sense of bravado would also be implied.  I don't know whether this is just a male thing or whether it is the same for a girl. Its hard to tell now as the 16 year old is all bravado all the time with both of us, though actually thinking about it, it is less so with daddy.

Ultimately this whole epiphany of thought came to light because we had differing opinions on what the boys would like as their Christmas presents which surprised me somewhat as we discussing the same kids. Happily we compromised on most of it and eventually got through the whole voucher processing and then subsequent queueing and paying for the goods without to much hassle and hopefully we have struck a good balance of parental influence and child personality with each kid's gifts.

Well we'll find out Christmas morning, won't we :-)