Meeting my mother-in-law again, teaching me about alzheimers and dementia

Through no fault of anyone really but through circumstances I haven't had very much contact with my kids Nanny on their Dads side.  A little dot of a woman, who in my memory of her when him & I first got together was fiercely protective of her family and very proud of her kids. She always struck me as someone not to mess with, but if she accepted you she'd be as welcoming and loving as if you were her own flesh and blood. 

Now this woman, who'd worked all her life, who had a wicked sense of humour and a sharp eagle eyed brain, came to visit us for the first time in 3 years. Hubbie had told me that she was suffering with Alzheimer's and dementia and over the last few years it had really taken its toll.  He warned me that she might not know who I am or that she might say something inappropriate so I was fairly apprehensive about the visit.

Having heard about Alzheimer's from the media and from friends who work in the elderly care industry, I knew that she might become quite upset if she felt lost or she didn't comprehend what was happening around her which is totally understandable.  I was worried that the kids would freak her out, or not be gentle and frighten her with their loud boyish behaviour.  She is very very fragile, being very underweight but apart from needing to bulk up a bit she is surprisingly fit ( well maybe not surprising, she has good strong Irish genes running through her core ).  

Anyway I really didn't need to worry about any of these things.  After the long journey up Hubbie brought her in to the house and while she looked tired, she immediately gave me a massive cuddle, and said "I haven't seen you for such a long time Caroline" I nearly burst into tears there and then.

We settled her in with a cup of tea, I put her slippers on for her and the kids settled down next to her on the sofa.  For the next few hours we talked, drank tea and smoked cigarettes (in the garden).  Rather than being overwhelmed by being in a strange environment she seemed to relish it, constantly remarking on how lovely the house is, rather than not remembering who I was, it was if I had seen her last week with the warmth and friendship still strong. The children adored being with her and she in turn was gentle and calm with them, watching them playing and commenting on how like their father they are at the same age (like we all didn't know lol) 

I found her a proud woman still, wanting to be productive and feeling apologetic when I would help her, though I constantly told her it was my pleasure.  She couldn't quite remember the names of all our animals though to be fair I have trouble sometimes, but she would ask their names when she'd forgotten them as it seemed knowing this was important. Sometimes I would look at her and she seemed lost in thought which maybe she was, but she would come round quite quickly when she saw a familiar face which I was grateful mine was one of them. There was none of the aggression that I had read about, and I tried to involve her with all the conversations that were going on, asking her opinion or her advice, or asking her to draw on a memory from long ago.  We talked of Hubbies dad and how she always wishes him a goodnight still, and the day he left our lives. I told her I think he's been to visit since then and that pleased her.

So for me it seemed for the most part she was lucid, engaged and involved with the family and not this distant vacant shell of a person I was worried I would find.  For the most part she was still my mother in law of old. But sometimes, when she got tired, or when the kids had got too much, she seemed to lose herself, and where she was, the confusion clouded her face but I would spot this quickly, draw her attention and engage her again and this seemed to help a great deal.

It was a lovely 2 days, and I was extremely proud of how the kids fussed and showered Nanny with affection, sometimes to the point it left her speechless.  We all agreed that the trip had been a success and that Nanny was to definitely come and stay again,  hopefully her second visit will be as successful, as she's already mentioned a BBQ in the summer and I suggested a little walk round our lovely town as well for next time.

We don't have links to the past for long and I am just so glad we've still got enough time for the children to benefit from both Nanny's and to get to know both sides of their heritage, she also allows me a little look into where my Hubbie comes from too :-).

Roll on the next visit, though will remind Hubbie to bring her coat with next time bless her and I will make sure there is lots of bacon in lol !!!

She's done it to me again !!!

Ok it maybe a bit of a rant post so if you don't fancy it I'd navigate away asap.  So being single has it pitfalls as you may imagine and mine are suppose to being cushioned by my mother.  Well she at least gives me something else to focus my aggravation on.  This weekend though really topped the biscuit in taking the pee out off me, and proves that for her, I am just a convenient distraction from her facing her own messed up life and her own personal Eastenders plot. 

Last Monday I woke up with a raging sore throat and a blocked up nose. Fine no problem I can cope with a cold and I seriously don't expect lots of sympathy. The first thing my mother said to me on hearing my rough throat was "trust you to get ill before I am going away for the weekend". At which point I am thinking to myself "yes of course Mum all I wanted to do was get ill to put a dampener on your weekend". Then I get an email later on in the week basically having a go out me being ill, blaming me for my step dad for being an arse and inferring that we are all trying to ruin her life, plus having a quick pop at my teenage daughter by saying "well this will give her a chance to step up abit won't it" is it any wonder that as a teenager we didn't have a very good relationship". Again I do the grown up thing and ignore this email as her just spouting off. But she has managed to get up my nose anyway even with my best efforts not to let her get to me.

All weekend she has been in Amsterdam, all week she's known I am not well and on my own looking after myself and the 3 kids.  She's been to the sex museum, visited several cafes and done the red light district.  I know this not because she took the time to phone me and check how I am, or that she has emailed me to tell me she is ok, no I know this because I have been talking to one of the people she is away with on facebook chat.  No she didn't even try to contact me this way either.  This is suppose to be the person I rely on, can turn to in my hour of need, my stalwart in the face of the adversity that I am going to face over the next few months. 

Oh well I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, its just a good reminder as to why I thought I'd be ok if I moved away from her 74miles and why I would rather stay here than move back down to London.

Ok ranting over normal posting will resume shortly.

Some daughters do have them.......

Mum came to stay with me for a week. I was expecting her to come up for a night but for some reason she decided that, no, she was staying longer to "help" me with the kids and housework. While a little perturbed that she hadn't mentioned this plan on the phone when she told me she was coming to see me, I was still grateful for the extra pair of hands that was winging its way to me forthwith.

I swear its like having another demanding teenager in the house when she visits and a fairly bossy one at that. I love my mum to pieces but she drives me up the friggin wall. Its all the niggly things that the kids do that I have learnt to accept and ignore (well they are my children) she moans about and then she does something equally annoying niggly. For instance she'll moan that the kids have left their cups of juice where they might get spilt and then leaves her teacups on my bookshelf or on the mantel piece for me to take to the sink and wash up. She'll reorganise my washing trying to be helpful and mix up my pile of non-ironing and ironing. She likes the living room curtains open, hubbie likes them closed. The childrens tv should go off at bedtime, the kids go to sleep with them on. ( i secretly agree with her on that one, but would never admit it to her).

As the family situation stands I would have her live with us in a heartbeat as she gets treated very badly by her husband and she deserves so much better than him, though I think I would need constant therapy to get through the weeks.

I know there are so many benefits to having the older generation around you and the kids. My kids love her and would love to have her around more often and its also lovely for me to be able to talk to her about anything and everything and know she can't help but see things from my point of view. She's a brave loving woman who gets a little bit het up over the small things in life but I suppose I wouldn't have her any other way......