What is your inner voice telling you?

We all have one whether we recognise it or not. That little voice inside our heads which ways up our decisions and berates us when we get it wrong.

Mine of late seems to be shouting or possibly even screaming in my head to give what for to a few people. Never a coward in any situation, a trait that has left me in circumstances of which I will get beaten anyway but I keep fighting to the bitter end. I find myself at the end of a battle that I can't retaliate in, but my inner voice so desperately wants to.

Reasons for this restraint are easy to explain and so I shall.

1.  Its not worth it.  Self explanatory really my life is better off by not doing it.  It won't get me anywhere, it won't make me a better person and I won't proving anything to anyone just making an idiot out of myself.

2. My relationships would suffer.  This is a biggy, I am not prepared to allow anyone to drag my family's contentment, happiness, unity or love in to a gutter brawl with people that quite frankly have no business voicing opinions on my or my family's life.

3. I'm better than that.  Yes I will always protect and defend my family but these people have no influence on them, they aren't impacting anyone of this family, comments on social media, emails and videos can all be ignored, deleted or laughed at.

4. I have nothing to prove.  People will always want to talk, they will always want to gossip its human nature that doesn't for 1 second make whatever they are saying to be a truth.  I can count my blessing on one hand my children and my partner.  My friends are the sprinkles of deliciousness on the top of life and I am grateful that so many have stood by me, so many tell me they love me.  My friendships don't come from lies they come from the ugly truths that we've shared and we've supported each other through, strong bonds built through trust. So me screaming from the top of my voice that's not me the person you are saying I am, I am not like that at all, is pointless because those that matter know who I am, love who I am and respect who I am.

5. If I retaliate I would be feeding a sickness of the mind that I am so better off staying well away from.  Someone who lives in a fantasy land of their own making.  Who spends too much of their time listening to that inner voice and acting on it continuously, is not healthy, especially when that inner voice is also a little bit sick and twisted too.  We all have a "ideal" of who we'd like the world to see us as, whether that be the saint or the sinner, the studier or the partier or the whatever. But that ideal we try to project doesn't always come across to rest of the planet the way you'd expect it.  You may like to think you are a kind sweet innocent person but then if you act upon your inner more basic voice who demands that you gain what you want no matter the cost then you aren't that sweet and innocent are you?

My point being to all this, is my inner voice wants to defend herself against a barrage of spiteful venomous comments made against her, which are based on no facts, just the ideas and thoughts from an attention seeking, insecure woman who should know better at her age who has nothing better to do with her time than comment on, read, and make judgements on a family that has nothing to do with her, that she isn't involved with, related to or has any connection with, her children aren't related to, her partner isn't related to in fact I am at a loss to why if she truly wants to get on with her life and she's so much happier now she still feels she needs to keep any form of contact she can ?? But as I suggested there maybe a screw loose somewhere up there.

Hence my inner voice can keep screaming but I shall not be answering.  I will continue to post on social media the things I think are funny or interesting or matter to me for people to either read or not read but I will not be hauled into a no win argument with anyone especially someone who has no relevance in my life whatsoever even if they are trying to use every spiteful nasty thing they can conjour up in their heads.

The trouble with childminders.......

   Ok its been a while since I have posted and I have my excuses which I won't bore you with except maybe the one that I've just been too darn lazy to think.  This morning though I have woken having had a pretty much undisturbed night of sleep and suddenly the urge to reach out has hit me hard.

So lets start at the beginning, I have been offered a job "whoa, yeah, haz-zarh" yes its great, yes confidence has been restored somewhat and yes I am pleased but (and it's a big one) I am not that overly happy with it all.  I know big sighs of "what is wrong with you woman" maybe issuing from your mouths now and if I was reading this it would be from mine.  The thing is though, firstly it isn't the most exciting job in the world from what they have told me, the pay is average to say the least and the career prospects are almost Zelige.

Do I really want to be working in a dead-end job for effectively the same money as I am on now (when you take into account the travelling) 40 hours a week to practically not see the kids all week and then possibly have to share weekends with you-know-who.

On top of this I have ended up having massive child care issues.  This started at the beginning of term when the first week in before I had even been offered the job my what I thought was sorted childcare arrangements for going back to college came crashing down my ears. The lovely lady that has been looking after Ninja for me after school on the college day for the last 2 years roughly and who was now going to take Humf as well before and after school nursery, informed me that she wouldn't be able to have them as she had been offered a full time child and that she couldn't turn down the money.  Fair enough as desperately inconvenient that was for me, I couldn't blame her.  Lots of apologies ensued and a promise to help me find someone else.

She gave me the name of another childminder and off I trotted with the kids to meet her.  All seemed fine at first, she was able to cover the Thursday for college and she even suggested that she would have Humf for the 2 days he wasn't attending school nursery. I get offered the job that night and suddenly I need her to do full time for both the boys.  Again this didn't seem to be a problem, until she'd slept on it.  I suppose you could say it was my own fault for over-sharing, or for assuming that all people have an open heart and mind but I had told her what has been going on in my life and that obviously it may have effected the children in someways ( just to prove this point Ninja had drawn a picture of people shooting each other and dying, at her house).  I suppose having discussed what I had told her with probably everyone, most people had told her to stay clear of me and my kids.  Strangely of all the things that have happened so far, her reaction has hurt the most. 

My kids are wonderful and I am a good mum, what has happened to me isn't my fault, but the fact that this woman didn't want to get involved with me makes me feel like it is.  I didn't ask for what I am going through and I am trying my hardest to make things right and normal for my kids.  To be judged as "not the right sort of person" because my husband got arrested, my kids have been through hell and we might be left with a few scars from it makes me very angry and has also made me doubt myself.  In her apologies over the phone to me at letting me down she kept repeating that she "had to think of the other children" and that "it might not be fair to the other parents" seriously what the hell did she think my children are capable of !!

Suffice it to say between her "discussing" me and my kids with another childminder and also the shortage of places I have been left with the only option of sending Humf full-time to private nursery and Ninja to the breakfast and after school club.  Its the most expensive option, its the least loving option but its the only option I have.

So with all this sitting in the back of my mind you can maybe understand a bit more why I am not so keen to start this job. If on the other hand I am offered one of the jobs I went to interview for on Friday all this stress might be worth it, but I'll tell you more about that another time.