The trouble with childminders.......

   Ok its been a while since I have posted and I have my excuses which I won't bore you with except maybe the one that I've just been too darn lazy to think.  This morning though I have woken having had a pretty much undisturbed night of sleep and suddenly the urge to reach out has hit me hard.

So lets start at the beginning, I have been offered a job "whoa, yeah, haz-zarh" yes its great, yes confidence has been restored somewhat and yes I am pleased but (and it's a big one) I am not that overly happy with it all.  I know big sighs of "what is wrong with you woman" maybe issuing from your mouths now and if I was reading this it would be from mine.  The thing is though, firstly it isn't the most exciting job in the world from what they have told me, the pay is average to say the least and the career prospects are almost Zelige.

Do I really want to be working in a dead-end job for effectively the same money as I am on now (when you take into account the travelling) 40 hours a week to practically not see the kids all week and then possibly have to share weekends with you-know-who.

On top of this I have ended up having massive child care issues.  This started at the beginning of term when the first week in before I had even been offered the job my what I thought was sorted childcare arrangements for going back to college came crashing down my ears. The lovely lady that has been looking after Ninja for me after school on the college day for the last 2 years roughly and who was now going to take Humf as well before and after school nursery, informed me that she wouldn't be able to have them as she had been offered a full time child and that she couldn't turn down the money.  Fair enough as desperately inconvenient that was for me, I couldn't blame her.  Lots of apologies ensued and a promise to help me find someone else.

She gave me the name of another childminder and off I trotted with the kids to meet her.  All seemed fine at first, she was able to cover the Thursday for college and she even suggested that she would have Humf for the 2 days he wasn't attending school nursery. I get offered the job that night and suddenly I need her to do full time for both the boys.  Again this didn't seem to be a problem, until she'd slept on it.  I suppose you could say it was my own fault for over-sharing, or for assuming that all people have an open heart and mind but I had told her what has been going on in my life and that obviously it may have effected the children in someways ( just to prove this point Ninja had drawn a picture of people shooting each other and dying, at her house).  I suppose having discussed what I had told her with probably everyone, most people had told her to stay clear of me and my kids.  Strangely of all the things that have happened so far, her reaction has hurt the most. 

My kids are wonderful and I am a good mum, what has happened to me isn't my fault, but the fact that this woman didn't want to get involved with me makes me feel like it is.  I didn't ask for what I am going through and I am trying my hardest to make things right and normal for my kids.  To be judged as "not the right sort of person" because my husband got arrested, my kids have been through hell and we might be left with a few scars from it makes me very angry and has also made me doubt myself.  In her apologies over the phone to me at letting me down she kept repeating that she "had to think of the other children" and that "it might not be fair to the other parents" seriously what the hell did she think my children are capable of !!

Suffice it to say between her "discussing" me and my kids with another childminder and also the shortage of places I have been left with the only option of sending Humf full-time to private nursery and Ninja to the breakfast and after school club.  Its the most expensive option, its the least loving option but its the only option I have.

So with all this sitting in the back of my mind you can maybe understand a bit more why I am not so keen to start this job. If on the other hand I am offered one of the jobs I went to interview for on Friday all this stress might be worth it, but I'll tell you more about that another time.