Butlins, the survival guide......

Butlins...what a wonderful and scary place.  If I was to write a guide book on how to cope with a 4 night stay there here is what I would write:

1. Arrive 1-2 hours earlier than your check in time so you can drive around the camp several times to get completely disorientated and when you are finally given your room still have absolutely no idea where you are staying.

2. Find and grab anything that vaguely looks like its a luggage trolley and then use it to push whining whinge hungry kids from the car in to (thank god at least) ground floor apartment, that you have had to park a mile away from as all the car spaces for your apartment have already been nabbed by the occupants of the holiday apartments two blocks away from you.

3.  Read the holiday guide and then throw it in the bin as it contains nothing of any relevance and has just been left in the room to make you feel stupid because none of it makes sense to anyone who hasn't actually visited before.
4. Put the oven on.  This provides a two fold service in the fact it takes around 9 hours to heat up and so it might be ready for use the next evening and it also provides some exciting entertainment for the kids while they watch you squabble with your mother on whether the thing is actually turned on or not.

5. Remember if you want to put the kettle on that you have to unplug the toaster, the microwave and the tv first.

6. If you are not queuing in the pavilion by 4.30pm for that evenings entertainment, then don't even bother trying.  Yes the shows may not really start going until 7.30pm but its like the towel and the sunbed situation around an Ibiza pool, its all about the stamina and determination to get the "best" seat.

7. Try to avoid eating at any cost, while you may think you can save money by going self catering the Spar shop in the pavilion is around 4 times the price of a normal Spar with a loaf of bread topping the list of OMG how much they charging for this?

8.  Remember candy floss sticks to everything including bottoms, pushchairs, hair and other people.

9. Make sure you pack a good strong pair of hiking boots, all your fancy 4 inch heels will be good for is wedging the front door open when you are unloading all the shopping you have had to spend the last hour and half getting from the supermarket out of the complex because your bank balance won't stand another trip to the Spar.

10. And breathe, the kids are having a fabulous time, they will remember this holiday forever and its all working out ok so just enjoy !!!!