Ways in which we self harm with no weapon...

When we think of the term "self harm" we think of teenagers with razors or addicts refusing to get help, but I think the problem is a far wider one with a good percentage of the population coming under the umbrella of "self harm" at one point or another in our lives.

For instance who hasn't looked at up an ex just to "see" what ever he or she is doing knowing full well that they have probably moved on with their lives and are seeing other people. We know that seeing this will insight some emotional response mostly we hope the response we want to get from ourselves is contempt or relief but 9 times out of 10 it only gives us pain but we still go ahead and do it.

I'd like to think that no one is ignorant to the fact that abuse in relationships is not healthy or right and yet there are thousands of people that stay within an abusive relationship with flimsy justifications of why we should stay or how breaking up isn't an option.

Then there are those people who are spend their lives trying to compete in a contest that no one else is involved in. They spend precious time and energy scratching around for information about a person and then try to compete with that person in an effort to somehow "one up" them and that continuously fails as the target of their obsession is normally ignorant of them and so the person is in a never ending cycle of disappointment and with that further deflating their self esteem and actually harming themselves.

As I think about these things it seems to me that people feel a need to punish themselves which in turn allows them to feel in control of their own being.

From the day we are born we are being told what to do by other human beings for good or bad we are instructed in the many ways it takes to become an adult and while for the most part this is done with good intentions and love it is also done with the sense that it must be done, that it is the only thing that is to be done and when the rules aren't followed then punishment of any kind is often quick to follow.

As adults we are suddenly let out in to the world without further instruction and without the familiarity of rules and punishment which has given us our sense of security for the last 18 years.

When my eldest child turned 18 last year I was shocked to see the fear on her face at the realisation that she was now solely responsible for herself.  Obviously over the last few months she has come to terms with that, reassured by us as parents that we aren't going to just abandon her now she is 18 but also respecting the fact she must make her decisions about where she wants to go and how she wants to proceed with her life. What strikes me is that with that sense of fear she first felt it can be followed by anxiety and the feeling of losing control over the life she's always known and this in turn may bring her to try and emulate the limits and guidelines we have given her while growing up.

Now we all know that being an adult is nothing like being a child and the rules of the games are not the same so to it makes sense to try and self govern when a world of possibility is opened up to you in one turn of the 24 hour clock and while we may try impose on ourselves values and ideals that we think are right we are often left floundering when things don't turn out how we expected them to. This is when the "self punishment" side of our character kicks in,

I think we use this as a way to control and correct mistakes we feel we have made.  If we can "tell ourselves off" to the point of either mental or physical pain we feel we can make our lives go the way we'd like them to, as in the way we can "sorry" as a child and make everything better again.

I feel it is good that this is something I am aware of in my own personality, with a constant stream of chatter in my head telling me I'm not good enough the impulse to do things that I know will cause me pain is very strong as a way of a "punishment" to myself. It is a constant thing that I need to remind myself that I am good enough and I am worthy even when I make the occasional mistake.

I hope I can keep fighting the battle and that I don't get swallowed in to a vicious cycle of mentally self harming myself, as not only will I suffer but my family will suffer too.

Living with "The Brain"

Ok I have just googled living with someone who is smarter than you.  It dropped me to a "Prince" fansite forum. I should have just stopped reading there really.  Along with the "Prince" fan club there were a few pages on, dating someone more intelligent, get yourself more intelligent, find someone more intelligent, is some one more intelligent better in bed, you know the stuff, and having scrolled past these annoying links I found a void, nothing, nada which leads me to writing this blog post.

Firstly I don't consider myself particularly dumb, and I am betting most of you reading this don't think you are either and we are all probably right.  In Western society intelligence isn't as high on the priority list of things that make your life a success as it is in the East.  We Westerners tend to value assets, wealth and good looks over higher brain function.  Aspiring to be more Katie Price or Kim Kardasian than great thinkers.  I know I know there are exceptions, of course there are.  But living with a teenage girl, hair and makeup still come up way to high on the list of things that are important in her life than I'd like them to.

Anyway back to my point.  We are a family that value education and experience, we are a family that encourages lateral thinking in all our children, while trying to lower their materialistic wants, we go for walks, we explore, we invite opinion and we respect their values and encourage them to express and grow them. Which is great and exactly what we wanted to do as parents but as the second born is starting to come in to his own regards his footprint on the world its definitely becoming more of a challenge. Let me now introduce a further dynamic in to this scenario.  Daddy is a big brainer, daddy has a monster IQ. Now this is a blessing and a curse for us all.  Living with someone who, while has always respected people, but felt always able to think 12 steps ahead of them, is not easy.  We all love daddy's big brain, we all use it for our own selfish needs and we all get frustrated with it when it doesn't have the answer we are looking for or isn't working very well.  Poor daddy has to deal with this as his family, and sometimes even daddy gets frustrated with his brain too.

Living with a man who is very smart should come with its own handbook and while these web pages claim to be able to tame the brain I would beg to differ somewhat. So this is my guide to living with someone smarter than you.

Step one: Keep a list, mental or paper of exactly where he/she has put their stuff because at some point you will be accused of moving it and not remembering where you have put it, even through you haven't been near said item for 6 months.

Step two: Let them get on with it, when intelligent children are arguing with intelligent parent, stay the hell out of it.  Otherwise they'll both either look at you like you've gone mad, start shouting at you that "clearly you don't understand" or ask your opinion (this is almost the most deadly thing that can happen around a dinner table)

Step three: Live with the fact that you intelligent partner will have massively high expectations of you.  Ultimately they've decided to shack up with you, and as they are intelligent this must be the right decision therefore if at any point you fall below practically perfect or almost as good as them, they will get all flustered and start doubting their decision making ability and then the world will start caving in on itself.

Step four: Improve you memory.  Living with someone with a massive brain means you need to remember stuff, events, birthdays, days planned out, anything day to day or mundane.  They are far to busy thinking about all the outcomes of every possible eventuality in every possible parallel universe and therefore can't possibly remember its your mother's birthday next week.  Please don't expect them to its just not going to happen.

Step five: Explain what you want from them clearly, concisely and to the point.  Don't be all wishy washy with your own needs, tell them when you are upset but don't do it wild man of Borneo style, it just won't get through.  Explain why you need them to do a certain thing, or why they have to be in a certain place at a certain time, but don't go giving them the entire back story as to why this needs to happen, they'll just switch off and start daydreaming about something else and then they will miss the important thing you wanted to tell them, keep it short.

Now if I can just stick to this 5 step plan myself harmony in the home won't even need to be thought about.

Always looks so easy when its written down doesn't it......

Lessons in love, the things the films don't teach us.

An open letter to the one I love

Where to begin, well one could almost start at my conception because my parents did love each but I think that might be a bit too far back. So I will start with the first heartbreak....

My daughter is 16 now this was the age I had my first serious boyfriend and we dated for 2 years.  If you ask me now why we were together for that long I couldn't for a second tell you but we were and inevitably as these things often do things fizzled out between us and we went our separate ways.  I then met a boy and fell "in love" again (well at least I thought I was in love) we were together 2 years, moved out and then 3 years later my eldest was born.  I was 23, not old but not excessively to young either.  At first glance we would have seemed a normal young couple with an adorable baby in tow.  We both had good jobs, a house with a mortgage and did everything normal families do spending lots of time with each others in laws, family holidays and nights on the sofa.  But as the years rolled by I realised this guy I was with, the father to my beautiful daughter wasn't who I thought he would be, I know this sometimes happens when couples have a baby.  There was no passion in our relationship, no spark or fire.  He was totally closed off with his feelings, never sharing moments with me.  I would look at our daughter and a rush of love would overcome me and I would kiss her all over, he would look at her and there was nothing but a blank stare.  Maybe he was too young to have kids, he never told me he loved me and he never told her either.  I got more and more depressed and lonely as time went on, no fairy tale for this 26 year old.

In the meantime a guy had started work at the place I worked at.  I didn't pay much attention to him at first, I was to busy with my little girl and feeling sorry for myself but then he came to work in the office where I was and for the first time since he'd started we actually had a chance to talk. In the first few weeks I found out we had lots of likes and dislikes in common but our lives were polar opposites of each other.  He went out partying every weekend and I was home with my baby, he still lived at home with his parents, I had a mortgage and in laws to deal with. So while we made each other laugh and we began to enjoy each others company there were a good few things about each other that the other one couldn't agree with (I should have seen the signs lol). Time went on and I started to enjoy going to work a hell of alot more, looking forward to catching the ten minutes chat with my new "friend" and slowing but surely we began the age old ritual of flirting.  

By the time I'd realised I had grown to have deep feelings for this guy, things at home for me where horrible and he'd also broken up with his long term girlfriend.  So in March 2001 I decided I had enough of trying to make it work with a guy who spent as little time with me and his daughter as possible and who would spend every night with his back turned away from me, I was 27 for god sake not 87 and still wanted a life. I left with a few possessions, the baby and the dog and went back to my mum's.  Within a week the "office guy" and I had our first date.  He told me afterwards that he'd spent a long time erming and arring about whether getting with me was really such a good idea, considering I was the bosses daughter and he was a mere lackey.

Within two months of us "dating" he went down on one knee and proposed and of course I immediately accepted, I knew I loved him, he was amazing with my daughter and they adored each other and he made me feel loved, wanted, interesting to talk to and worth spending time with.  We were married just 6 months after that first date (he wanted sooner but I wasn't going to rush my wedding day to much lol). We moved into our own home just days before the wedding and settled in to family life quickly.

I wish I could say its been a fairy tale ride since then, but nobody gives you a guide on how to love another person, we don't get taught it as part of the curriculum. Two further babies later though and I can honestly say we have made each other work for our love.  We have pushed each other to beyond our limits, to dark dark places and in to the arms of others but still the pull of those strings of love, the bonds that tied us first together are as strong as ever.  

And as each year, each month, each day that passes, we learn together, we grow together.  We still fight, that's normal, we still have vastly different opinions on things.  We still like to tell each other about new and interesting discoveries we've made.  I still hate admitting I am wrong and he is right, he still hates the way I find it hard to get myself motivated in the mornings or when I sound like my mother. He likes watching films, I like watching American cop shows but still when we talk to our children we talk with one voice (literally saying the exact same thing at the exact same time lol) We hold the same values, the same ideals, the same desire to allow our children to be the best they can be.  I've learnt how to be a an adult again rather than just a mum, I think he's found that refreshing, he's accepted there are parts of his life he hasn't dealt with in the best way possible and I respect him for that.  We still find each other sexy, we still find each other funny, we still respect each other and we can still feel like throttling each other at times but through all this I think I have finally learnt what it means to love another human being and to be loved by another human being and though its been a hard lesson to learn it has also been the most amazing, long may it last !!

I love you x

    

Help my Mum is on steriods, Living with the older generation.

One dose she's taken, just one and already she has me wanting to crawl up the wall with my teeth. How is that even possible the stuff can't have even got in to her system yet and she's charging round the place with a self imposed sense of importance and the attitude of a stroppy teenager.  I already have one of those, who is of my own creation, I don't want to deal with another one thank you.

It started yesterday when eldest child offered to make dinner. Now I don't know how you play this is your own household but in ours those that are doing get to choose what they do.  It seems the only fair way in my opinion of making this ardourous task (see previous blog post) anymore bearable.  So she decided she wanted to make homemade wedges from actual potato's.  I know, shock horror this would involved actually having to prep stuff, so as I was being let off one of my less enjoyable chores (I'd rather iron than cook, its that bad) I full supported this decision of hers.  Now we weren't prepared for a wedge type dinner in the sense that I hadn't bothered to get any meat out to cook at all that evening, before you ask, I don't know what I was planning to do for food that night before eldest child kindly stepped in (again see previous blog post) luckily, well not exactly luckily as the whole family know what I am like and so we regularly stock up on frozen chicken in various forms. We had in the freezer some chicken steak things so we decided we would together go wedges from scratch, broccoli and frozen chicken steaks.  Its almost there in the healthy eating stakes.  Anyway the point to the is incredibly long winded story is the fact that sterioded up mother walks in on daughter and I sweating & swearing over the ovens and stoves and has a complete paddy over what is being cooked.

The conversation went as follows, "WHY are you making THOSE things?" "Mum, Lexi is cooking and she wanted to do wedges we didn't have any fresh steak or chicken breast so we've used this instead but the wedges are fresh and so is the broccoli" "Well I bought fresh meat, I'm not eating this crap, why should I have to eat this crap" me know slightly irritated "Its not crap Mum we are cooking from fresh most of it, and the meat you bought is for stir fry, you bought 2 different types of meat, neither of which is a big enough portion for all the family so we decided it would be ok to do this and feed the entire family the same thing. ok" she storms off through the swinging doors muttering "its not good enough, I don't want to eat that crap, its not fair" anyway I turn to look at my daughter and her face is crestfallen.  I know that look, its the look that must be on my face when I am trying hard to cook for everyone and someone turns their nose up at it, and while I expect it from the boys to have my mother make my daughter feel that way, got me alittle bit angry.

"You are either cooked for or bought food for every bloody night of the week, Mother.  If you want to start making demands on what is eaten in this house, you can either cook for everyone or cook for yourself but you are not going to dictate to me how this entire family eats just because it suits you"  She sulked the entire rest of the evening, though she did manage to throw some veg and wedges down her throat without choking and I bet she enjoyed them to as Moo did a fine job of seasoning them.

Needless to say, we're still not on the best of talking terms, second dose has gone down and she's whizzing around slamming doors, demanding why things are where they are, driving the cleaner up the wall moaning about everything and generally huffing and puffing alot.  Don't get me wrong I'm glad she's feeling better I just wish she's calm the feck down otherwise there will be war on our hands and I won't be held responsible.

Tonight I shall use the beef and the pork she bought but I am not going to cook it in the way she demands but in the way I think the entire family will enjoy it so heads up round two will be around 5.30pm tonight.

Wish me luck xxx

Oh Sh*t its 2014 already

Lord, one minute I was panicking about what to buy people, how I was going to pay for it and will they think I'm a cheapskate because I only got them chocolates and the next we are here, New Year!

What a whirlwind, not in the sense that our time has been taken up with relentless parties and endless entertaining because quite frankly its been a quiet one.  Its more the roller coaster of emotions that have been running through the house on a daily basis.  Don't get me wrong they have mostly been positive ones, with hyperactive giggling children, semi drunk over loving teenagers and the continuing honeymoon period of my current relationship but there has been a few dents in the whole rose tinted merriment of the holiday season.

For instance the slight panic I felt on Christmas eve with the prospect of 60 odd presents still to wrapped at 7pm and my designated helper gently snoring on the sofa.  This panic state was quickly averted by me also putting my head down and then us waking up together at 10pm and commencing the wrapping until 1am Christmas morning..See no problem really until of course we were woken up at 5am by 2 very excited little people.

Then there was the Boxing Day or otherwise known as, Mum's 70th birthday, moment of surrealism where we presented Mum with her birthday present...(a meat grinder) which she proceeded to completely unwrap take out the box and study intently. Leaving, what I would consider, some rather gruesome looking apparatus to hand and a strange glint in her eye as she handled the sausage maker expectantly.  I spent the rest of the day with the music of Sweeney Todd randomly popping in to my head at inopportune moments.

Then there was the rather unpleasant news on the 28th where we discovered that the house has damp via an email with alot of red writing and capitalisation in it. This was while we were trying to enjoy a local kids Christmas disco, which had already been slightly spoiled by the fact that Santa had run out of Christmas presents for all the children and had had to make a quick exit back to the sodding North Pole and back again (well that's what it felt like time wise) to magically provide presents to appease all the parents who'd paid the £5 for this enchanting event (tube of milky buttons, not impressed, to be honest though the kids couldn't have cared less of it was just the tube).

By the 30th we'd got to the running out of food stage and it was really a short straw moment as none of us had any desire whatsoever to leave the house, but New Years Day was fast approaching and someone had to go.  Mum was the hero of the hour, because after much wrangling and sighing and haven't we got ANYTHING left at all, she quietly slipped out the front door to return an hour later fully laden with basic essentials and a few goodies as well. A true family hero was greeted on her return, with various grunts from the children and a mumble from me of "did you buy me any chocolate?" (she had).

The infamous last night of the year (New Years Eve) was spent almost in the most perfect way possible, phone calls from the eldest every 90 minutes to tell me that she was still "FINE MOTHER"  The boys were bathed early with vast amounts of their new smellies and nice and settled and the evening was spent in various positions snuggled on the sofa wishing all the friends and family a Happy New Year via facebook, twitter and text, while laughing at some of the horrifically embarrassing images being posted all over the net, even before the clock has reached midnight.

I can honestly say I am as ready for 2014 as I have ever been ready for any new year but I did have a quick wonder what 2054 will be like and whether I will see it, being as that will be my 80th year as apposed to this one being my 40th :-) HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone :-)

I quit smoking today....

Ok so its a little late for Stoptober and I am kinda only doing it to prove something to myself but I am finally quitting again.  10 years ago I quit and stayed off the fags for 5 years then through all sorts of reason I started again.  This time it will be for good I hope.  He's doing it also, and to be honest the way he coughs in the morning has always worried me and having only really just got him back I don't fancy losing him again to any nasty diseases.  He's on day 4, cold turkey and a tinsy whinsy bit snappy, I'm not that strong.  I have no will power to call my own so I am trying the e-cigarette option.  So far today, I haven't really been ratty or had massive cravings but then the kids have only just got home so that may change shortly.  To my credit though I have managed not to flip a lid at the state of eldest bedroom and have remained calm even to the sight of her sitting in the squalid mess, on her phone "too tired" to sort it out tonight.

So how's things with you ?? have you been up to anything exciting recently.  Are you like me now in a state of panic of the fast encroaching Christmas season with thoughts of crap my family has suddenly grown again and my wallet has considerably shrunk.  The last few years the buying for friends kids has tapered off somewhat, now the kids choose who they want to buy for in the friends stakes. Also the whole nephews thing is just a swapping for £20 notes.  This year however I am back to buying for the extend family, mother-in-laws and sister-in-laws, nephews, nieces and grand nieces.  Little ones are always a pleasure to buy for its the older ones that kinda only just want money really.

Thinking about it, there will be 10 nephews, 1 niece, and 2 grand nieces, 3 sisters, 2 mothers, and a partridge in a pair tree.  I wonder if they will all descend on us this year ? The house is big enough to take them all, and the dining table seats 12 easily so definitely some of them can come up.  In way it will be nice to reunite the family, ultimately the ripping apart was never something any of us wanted.  Well maybe not this Christmas, this Christmas will be saved for just us I think, 5 people, loving each other, communicating and spending time together, catching up, reminiscing and creating new memories.  There's always next year for the big family gathering.. :-)

Oh and I will be added a blueberry Shisha pen to my Christmas list :-)

Aaaahhggghhhh This frustrates me so much !

Right, before we begin, please don't get me wrong, I am in the business of making people feel good about themselves. Admittedly not in the direct way, a make up artist or a hairdresser does, but I still capture people at a given moment in their lives. A place they can look back on and bring back memories, and ultimately I don't want those memories to be bad ones. So for this reason I aim to make people look good and in turn feel good. OK? we clear, you know where I stand now ? fine we shall carry on.

As I am progressing with my photography I am discovering the different "types" and I don't mean to be sexist or anything but I am talking about women here, men there seems to be only one type, the one that doesn't want to be in front of the camera at all, and who refuses to smile, just in case they look silly, so would rather look like miserable grumpy old git instead. Anyway I am digressing, and while most of us fall in to the "ooh I really don't like having my photo taken, but I know I will regret it if I don't, so I may as well make the best of it" section.  There are a minority that will inevitable fall in to the polar opposites of this spectrum.

Now what I find absolutely fascinating and sometimes a little sickening is the fact the ones who you'd think traditionally would be a "Girl, I love myself" types, ie young, pretty, slim, flawless complexion and whole life in front of them are usually the ones that want to run away and hide when the camera comes out, whereas the "cougar generation" namely single older women who think that just because they are over 40 all blokes are going to be salivating at them because they've "experienced" life but actually, have to wear makeup, hide the fact they've eaten a chocolate eclair, and can't leave the house until everything has been pinned, stretched, sucked in and pushed up are all in my face with a "get my good side love !"  errrrr would that be behind the door then ?

Now before you go shouting and calling me out, remember paragraph 1.  These extremes I am talking about aren't your average woman, lady or girl.  I have had beautiful young things coming to have their photos taken because parents are insisting, who look as miserable as sin as soon as I hold the camera up and I know their photos will look stunning, but for some reason they feel so damn ugly inside it hurts. Why do they suffer so? yes I know media has a lot to do with it but this isn't a new phenomena.  Girls have been told from day dot they must make themselves presentable if they want to "find a man" which is fine, being clean, tidy and healthy is a good thing.  But why do so many younger people find it so difficult to like themselves and then there are these middle aged women who think they are the dogs boll*cks when actually they come across as a little bit sad trying to convince everyone they are still as young and vibrant as a 20 year old.

If only I could give these younger people, a bottle full of what these older people think they have, allow them to be confident and sexy without fear of being judged in anyway. Its like life's kick in the butt, when you have it you don't realise it and when you realise you had it, you are already past it (well at least you do if you have any self respect lol) I know I know, but seriously do you think Madonna is doing herself any favours, do you really think Cher has got it right.  Would you approve of your 60+ mother trying to make herself look 20+ or would you tell her she's being ridiculous?

I think what I am trying to say is, beauty is in the eye of the beholder or the camera lens as in my case.  So when I look at you through the camera, yes I see your imperfections ( we ALL have them), and yes I can see your worries but also I can see the sparkle in your eyes, the genuine warmth from your smile, the gentleness in your face.  These are the things that make a beautiful photograph, these are the images, that stop people in their tracks and say Wow you look lovely there.  It doesn't matter how much make up or sucking in or pushing up you do if these genuine emotions aren't there, or if you are trying to be something you are clearly not then this shows through the image and every image you take will look fake and unattractive.  Do you see what I am saying, be yourself, because yourself is beautiful and worthy no matter what your head tells you when you see your photo, as the people around you will tell you, you are loved and cherished for YOU. So next time you have a camera pointed at you and you are feeling unsure, look at the people around you see them smiling at you because they love you, then face the camera and SMILE :-)

Pumpkin Picking in Peterborough

Try saying that when you've had a tipple.....

Well as you may have guessed from the title we did in fact go pumpkin picking this weekend.  A first for the Hill family and for a change the entire family all went together, even the grumpy teenager and maybe even grumpier mother.  Some of us where more prepared than others, to the extent that wellingtons where brought with, even though teenage daughter decided she didn't actually need them (she did, she really really did). As the last pair of wellies other half owned, accidentally ended up in the bin somehow (I have no idea, honest) he had to face the muddy fields in his trainers, bright white Nikes. Not a prospect he relished but he managed to put a brave face on it and forge on (will be purchasing new wellies asap).  The farm was set over 14 acres of land with a small orchard with plum, apples and pear trees.  A small area filled with sweetcorn and rows of raspberries and blackberries.  The kids made a half heart attempt to pick the fruit but it is a bit late in the season and so the plums left on the trees where quite high up (cue daddy pulling branches down for little arms and hands to reach) and the berry bushes had either been picked dry by the crows or had shrivelled up little bunches of yuck on them.  We weren't there for this petty distractions though, we and the few other families that arrived as we did where there for the main event, the big show, the massive veg. 

So once the troop was gathered back together from their various foraging or in Humf's case, shouted at to get off the tire swing for the 15th time. We headed over to the pumpkin patch, and yes that is exactly what it is, a patch of land with various sized pumpkins just lying on ground waiting to be picked.

Daddy and Humf where on wheel barrow duty which was working out fine until Humf decided he could "manage" himself, think, up turned wheelbarrow immediately.  Then when we finally got down to the pumpkin patch the kids got pretty freaked out by the scarecrow, it was a shop floor mannequin with the most realistic eyes I have ever seen..even had veins running through them.!!! So once recovered from the scare from the scarecrow the kids all wandered off to pick their special pumpkin.  While Daddy and I looked on not really wanting to enter the quagmire, chatting away, Daddy notices Humf out of the corner of his eye and as I look round at what he's staring out, I see Humf pulling up his trousers...yes, he'd just wee'd in the pumpkin patch...nice !!  After this little episode, we hurriedly got the kids to choose their pumpkins and promptly wheel barrowed them back to the till in the hut, where we priced our pumpkins by their size.  Do they fit in the hole £1.50 £2.25 £3.50 up to £9 of course all our pumpkins where too big for the cheaper hole but not quite big enough for the more expensive ones but of course we had to pay the more expensive price anyway.  £20 on pumpkins !!! I so need to use these for food not just for Halloween faces, so shall be probably blogging later on in the month about all these fantastic pumpkin recipes I have found and we have all tried. Defiantly going to roast those seeds though, they are a serious yummy treat :-) 

Autumn Picnic

So at the weekend we went for a picnic by the lake.  A totally impromptu decision as most of this families are.  The weather was beautiful and I didn't need to fuss about making sandwiches and taking mosquito repellent. We just grabbed a couple of sandwiches from the local supermarket and headed off for our walk. For once the kids didn't moan, while my boys are quite an active pair, to randomly walk somewhere, with no specific destination or reason, just seems utterly pointless to them. But with bellies full and giggles at ducks they were happy to just cruise along the path with us.  The photographers where quite out in force and for this I was very grateful as I could just pop over and see what they were looking at and grab a few shots for myself.  We stop by one lady who was taking a picture of a large group of thistles, not an interesting subject you may think, until she pointed out the enormous blue dragonfly perched quite contentedly on this spiky plant not bothered at all that we were all excited to see it up close.  Daddy could see "ole itching fingers" wanting to grab, shake or distract the bug so gave Humf a good sharp warning as the other photographer and I snapped away, while doing this Ninja decided to stick his oar in and give the thistle a good rustle.  We all gasped as the dragonfly flew away, and the sheer disappointment on all our faces must have hit him like a stone.  While I desperately try to apologise to the other photographer for my child's insensitive behaviour, Daddy took Ninja away and tried to explain to him why we were all so disappointed by what he'd done. Bless him when he finally recognised what he'd done, he pretty much fell apart, (that boy is far to much like me) and no amount of soothing words and it doesn't matters left him feeling any better.  The whole think before you act thing, we all have to learn at some point had got him good and proper.  We managed after a good 10 minutes of break your heart stuff like, why am I so stupid, why did I have to do it, why do I never listen. He finally calmed down and we carried on our walk round the lake to the play area. By this time whinge pants had given up being the good one (for a change) and had reverted back to normal state of, the one you have to watch like a hawk and was good and ready to cause some mischief.  Luckily the park wasn't too busy and he was pretty much left to himself to play on whatever he wanted without getting up anyone elses nose.  Why do they never want to leave, it always gets me how, it doesn't matter how long you stay in that play area, they always want 5 more minutes, sometimes I look at them and wonder what it feels like to be them, looking at all the things around me with my head whirling with imaginative adventures, instead of sitting there watching them panicking that they are going to fall and hurt themselves. In the end they finally got tired enough that they didn't complain to much when we said it was time to leave and as we walked back to the car we did a bug hunt and were very successful in our finds.

Ok Ok its September 2013

Yes yes, I know I haven't been here for a while again..but I am back and ready to take on the world.  Since we last spoke, the family has grown somewhat and not in that way !!.. We now encompass me, Big man, Mooki, Ninja, Humf and Dotty (my mum) which is ok as we have moved to a new house and this has given all of us our own space.  Living with your mother again brings new and fresh challenges in your life which you don't get when you bring a traditional new addition to the household.  While its a blessing I don't need to change her bum, or get up with her for night feeds, I do have to contend with the nit picking and general attitude of a teenager while not actually being a teenager, which at times can be slightly frustrating..But more than any of that excitement, my biggest news is that now I am a photographer..!! Yes you read right.  3 years of studying at college, exams taken and passed to be a qualified accountant and I have left the whole lot behind to pick up a camera.  Why you may ask ?? or you may not depending on whether you actually are vaguely interested in reading this blog. Well I lost one job in September and the other job I was doing (yes working two jobs, we've all been there at some point haven't we) I was made redundant from in November and that kind of thing, makes you take a look at your life and what you are doing with it.  When I thought about it, I mean really thought about it, I wasn't actually happy working in an office enviroment. I know lots of people do it, and love it.  They can cope with the office politics and the pretense of actually caring about their work colleagues while secretly stabbing them in the back.  But I couldn't, things would upset me and play on my mind.  I'd worry if I had offended or distressed and had none of the hardness that seemed to go with these middle aged women, who gossiped about others as if playing out an episode of Eastenders. So while wondering what I did actually enjoy the camera kept popping in to my head.  I'd been told by Bigman plenty of times that I could take a photo and it would frustrate him that I had shied away from taking them for far to long.  So with some of my redundancy money I purchased a camera and started badgering friends to be my practise models, which they kindly did.  Not a month into my happy snapping and a gorgeous lady approached me to help out with a charity calendar, which I more than happily agreed to and 10 months later after raising nearly £4000 for a cancer hospice, I am doing Weddings, Portraits, Boudoir and Family shoots and loving every minute of it. Here's one that won a Judge's favourite award.  If you want, you can have a look at a few more on my facebook page www.facebook.com/Yourlifeyourink the website is still  in the process of being built :-)

Since you've been gone..........

Light bulbs have been changed, toilets unblocked and bins taken out.

The TV is mine and I iron in front of it.

When doors slam no one jumps any more.

The only shouts are ones of excitement.

The only time there is crying, is for scraped knees, banged heads or sad stories.

Smiles are made in mirrors.

Songs are sung at any time.

Family and friends visit when ever they choose.

Homework is done on time.

Things are broken, but then they are fixed.

We eat together.

Sleep together.

Laugh together.

Boundaries are crossed but way backs are negotiated with love not lectures.

There are no pants to pick up.

I'm no longer referred to as "babe, wench or c**t" but "mummy" the only name that matters.

Grades are up.

Self confidence is up.

We now know we are all worthy fabulous individuals

Make up is worn.

Clothes and boys are discussed freely.

Dinners are adventures with lots of different things being tried all the time.

The kids eat tons of fish, bagels, matzo, pasta, asparagus, french beans.

Spelling, reading and maths are done for fun.

Playstation games are played and don't give nightmares.

Confidence is overflowing.

Normality is standard.

We can all breathe.

Whose feeling whose feet right now !!

As the end of the holidays approach and I have to mentally prepare myself for the onslaught on a new school year, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on the changes that have taken place in this "mad" house over the summer. The boys have started fighting, something that hadn't happened before. Whether it had been the fact the Humf had been too young or the fact that Ninja wasn't really effected by what he was doing I don't know. But they are at it far to often for my liking. It leaves me feeling rather powerless as while my instincts go to protect the littlest one, my head knows darn well sometimes he really deserves it. When daddy is home the issues seem to melt away to a large extent. It really is an alpha male situation, crazy that we fundamentally still rely on basic natures and its never more apparent than in two brothers fighting for dominance. I am assuming with the impending school return, Ninja will be expending so much energy dealing with the outside world that his focus will be transferred from his baby brother. In the meantime Humf is constantly setting to challenge his older brother in every which way he can. Don't get me wrong their love for each other is just as apparent they miss each other terribly and wouldn't want to be parted in anyway. Ninja is incredibly caring and attentive to his baby brother, he's also extremely proud of him, introducing him to everyone he meets and involving him in games. Humf worships the ground his brother walks on, there isn't a time place or action that he doesn't want to follow his big brother in to doing. He looks on at him for guidance and inspiration (not always a positive thing I tell you). In this way I feel so lucky and it gives me faith that they will be good friends when they get older. So yes they may be feeling their feet alittle to much but they are to doing it with the safest people they can, their family.

This is why mum's can't get ill !

I admit defeat I can barely lift my head of the sofa..The boys are doing their best not to drive me to mad but I am on my own with them and I am struggling. HELP !! I am spending this whole time feeling gruesome also feeling guilty. Piles of washing up and dirty floors are floating round and round in my head. I feel like I am letting the entire family down by being ill. How do these women who do nothing for their families and children cope with the guilt or they just as heartless as they come across. I hate having to think about me, just spoke to mum and she's have you done this have you taken that and the boys will be alright stop worrying. Because she is seeing it from her mum point of view. Her baby is not feeling well, never mind the fact her baby has 3 babies of her own that need me to be fit and healthy. I think all mothers should be issued HazChem suits for looking after their children so they always stay bug free no matter what horrible things their children bring home from school or nursery and to top it all off I think my brain has melted with watching too much Tigger and Pooh.