What is really important to you ?

I do understand for all of us this questions has a myriad of answers, answers probably as unique and individual as we are as people.  But I also think we can generalise a bit on this question too for instance.

Most of us that have children will want them to be happy.  But the degrees in what this entails varies, for parents of sick kids, all we want is for them to get better.  If we have a child who is getting bullied at school all we want is for that to stop.  If we have grown up children we want them to be happy in their lives and make good choices.  If we have babies we just want them to stop crying.

For those of us trying to succeed in life whether write that long buried book that is bursting to get out or that catchy tune that will be on every radio station and hummed on every ones lips or the next step on the rung of that extremely long career ladder, what is important is to get noticed, seen or heard.

Then there are those who's value they hold on things is monetary and power.  They see wealth as important and have a deep need to obtain money in whatever way they are able to.  They have a desire to control others and have materialistically all they can get.

Then there are those who are not happy with anything they have and that is what is important to them.  They covert others, in all ways. Simply they are not satisfied with the way their lives have turned out and will never take responsibility for that. They look at others and either critisize or pick on aspects of the other persons life to berate or compare with their own.  Finding fault in how they choose to live their life, jealous and resentful but hiding it behind a vale of contempt and self righteousness.  They choose to feel indignant when someone is doing better than them and spend their time finding ways to bring any other person down rather than looking inward and finding happiness within themselves.  These are the people I pity the most, because what is important to them is not how they can improve themselves or make others feel better, these people are the takers in life.  They are the ones who buy you a gift, then tell you how much it cost them, they want constant praise and flattery, to boost their fragile ego and this is because they have no depth of character of their own to draw from. These people who look at a pretty woman and say "well she's got a fat arse" or "she shouldn't be with him she's a slapper". These people who judge, demean, belittle and have a deep need to always be seen to be doing better than anyone else, lead horrible lives.  Lives lived by others standards because they can never be happy with the standards they set themselves as they can't stand it if they think someone is doing better than them.

People stop caring when you are a taker. When you are constantly wanting praise because you did something nice once and keep reminding everyone. They stop caring when you critise a person because you don't like the way they live their life or clothes they wear, or their makeup or their hairstyle, no one wants to know your opinion its boring and annoying. People stop caring when you are constantly bragging how something was bought for you or money was spent on you its not what is important in life and people truly stop caring when you constantly spend all your time trying to convince the world how stunningly beautiful and attractive you are. It shows how shallow you truly are when these things are certainly not what matters.

I accept I am not the most attractive woman on the planet, I do my hair in the morning, my makeup when I can be bothered, I could lose weight but I like food and I'm fairly healthy. I am nearly 40 I have had 3 babies who are all beautiful and I am just so proud of. I don't have a lot of money but I certainly love what I do for a living and that makes me happy.  I have a man by my side who never ever wants to leave, who I giggle with, who makes me happy and I make happy too, who knows me inside out and accepts all of me (warts and all) who still thinks I am sexy, even with my grey knickers on and who I think is gorgeous.

I have no need to look at others and feel intimidated or threatened by them, I have no need to think I am not good enough because all the facts say I am, I have no need to think bad of others.  But I will always feel the need to protect what I have, to defend it and to look after it because that is WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

I don't care if you think I'm fat

This is a subject that has been ruminating around my head for a few weeks now, basically how I feel about all the different aspects to what emotions and feelings are brought on by the "FAT" word.  I am a short woman, being short first a foremost, means, I can never been seen as truly elegant, only cute and sometime stylish (Kylie Monogue) and also a size 12 on a 5ft person looks chunkier than on 6ft person that's just a physics thing that can't be changed.  To be honest though my height has never bothered me, all the females in my family are 5ft and under, all the way back to my Great Grandmother they have all been strong working women and not one of them have been hindered by them being short. Now here's the other thing all 4 generations of these, strong, beautiful, loving super mums, who brought up their children and went to work and kept the kept the house going and we are talking over 100 years ago up to present, they have all been on the chunky side, including me.  So reason number 1 why I don't care if you think I am fat is, there are 3 women generational behind me that I have a massive amount of admiration and respect for just in my family that were, or are fat and it has made no difference to the of the quality of impact they have had on me and my future generation.  When I think about my grandmother, the first thing that doesn't spring to my mind, is OMG what a lard arse, I remember her amazing roast potatoes, and the warm smell of a roast cooking on a Sunday and the slapped wrist I'd get for trying to steal the scrapings from the roasting pan. I remember her long bright red painted nails and the ring of deep red lipstick on the end of her cigarette.  What I am saying is as a child and as a young adult when she died, never did I think, urgh I can't love you because you are fat. In fact in the last few months when she had been very ill, and had dropped loads of weight off I was actually freaked out by how fragile and frail she looked against the robust woman I'd known all my life. So there's the history of why I don't care, now for the present.  We as individuals are all built in a unique way, while the components may all be the same, the way they've been put together is totally different for each and everyone of us.  This is natures way of ensuring the genes we have from the 6 original Mums that gave us all life as the homosapins that we are today, get as widely dispersed between us as possible.  Therefore, no matter how hard I exercise, or diet or cosmetically change myself I will never "look" like the person I am aspiring to look like (my ideal look).  Fine you say, but what about looking the best you can look? I agree, that making an effort to wash yourself, keep your hair tidy and present yourself in clean clothes is a good thing.  What I don't agree with is the standard issue of if I was thinner I'd have more luck with, money, men, jobs, life. When those 6 original mums gave birth to us all, they weren't standing in front of a mirror, saying to one another, "ooh look I've gained 5lbs I look massive no one is going to want to shag me now" and all the mothers since that time.  Because I can almost guarantee we are the off spring of the great poor, unwashed, and unclothed masses, who still managed to get a bit of rumpy pumpy and pop out a good few sprogs.  You see what I am saying don't you. So reason number 2 of why I don't care if you think I am fat is, 3 kids, a whole lot of love in my life, a job that I love doing, a home of my dreams, beautiful friends around me and a loving, adoring partner who has always "wanted" me even though I'm a size 14 ie I'm doing alright for a fat bird. Then I sit back think about the bullying, nasty, spiteful nature of the superficial media constantly telling us only this particular image is beautiful, and we see our daughters looking at this stuff, being brain washed in to thinking that this is what beauty is when in actual fact beauty is just them.  Its just them, their very existence is a beautiful and amazing miracle.  From the moment their little hearts start beating in the womb, they are the most beautiful things on the planet.  But the media and in turn their teenage friends, all start the comparisons, they tell them they must look like this otherwise they will get nowhere.  They tell them what size they should be, what makeup they "have" to wear, how high their skirts should be otherwise no one will be their friend, no one will want them, they will be nothing, are nothing, if they don't look this certain way.  And this is my reason number 3 why I don't care if you think I am fat, I am showing my child another way, I proving to her daily that being a certain body shape does not mean you are going to win or fail at life. It doesn't in fact mean anything, and all this bullshit the media portrays is in the editors heads, its like the story of the emperors new clothes and somebody has got to hold their head up and say...WTF he's naked because that's all it is, nobody wants to admit they have got it all wrong these last 4 decades when that's exactly what has happened.  So daily I show her, I set an example, I work, I run the home, I look after her and her brothers, I have a partner and I have friends and I am happy, and that doesn't require me to being a size 6 and having all the stress of not eating and constant exercising to go with it.  I eat sensibly, I exercise in moderation and I enjoy my meals with my family.  I am healthy, and I make balanced healthy meals, take my kids out walking and keep our lifestyle active.  I do not need to beat myself up that I am damaging them in anyway because I am not, so what I'm not a size 6, I do know I am happy with exactly who I am and surely that is all that matters. So don't tell me you think I'm FAT because I just don't CARE what you think.

What do you expect? what do I expect?

Maybe its me, but sometimes my lack of understanding of the human psyche leaves me bewildered.  I have these days where I feel nothing is going right, that I'm never good enough, that I should just quit.  Then other days where everything falls in to place, the world is my oyster and I am totally untouchable.  My friends assure me that this is normal, everyone has these ups and downs days and I can certainly see it in other people when I look around me.  Teachers for instance you know when your kid comes out of school saying that their teacher spent the day shouting at everyone, you can pretty much guarantee that she was having "one of those days".  What I want to know is basically, how far can we as human beings push other human beings patience when we are having one of our "off" days.  Kids are brilliant at handling adults and their moods, yes your kid might be a bit upset coming out of school on a teachers particularly shouty day, but by the morning they would have pretty much forgotten Miss losing it because they didn't come in from playtime straight away, and will smile happily at Miss say good morning politely and eagerly want to show her some amazing thing they have brought in from home. While you as the adult and parent still feel like ripping her head off because she's traumatised your child.  So you see what I am saying, where in the growing up stage do we lose this ability to just let things go, when does the need to fight your corner, hold on to your feelings and emotional state become so important.  When do we decide we are justified just because we exist? Oh I know there are some arseholes in the world that put everybody back up just because they bully or blast their way through life not once considering the consequences of their actions, but then their are some children like that too and the other kids either put up with it or ignore the kid.  But when we the "normal" folk, the ones that always try to be polite, never cause a fuss and just want to be everyone friend.  When we lose the plot, how far do we expect our fellow human beings to cope with it.  Its only when us normal ones that finally lose it and go bizerk that anyone take notice of us.  So yes shooting into a crowded shopping centre at random people is not acceptable but surely the signs before this would have been there?  Surely someone would have noticed a seemingly normal person become a different one even if they were only little changes. My point is, when can I say to the rest of the world, I'm in a bad mood, I still love you I still want to be your friend, but I am just in a bad mood and they accept that without judgement or pain.  When can I be in a bad mood, and not smile politely at the girl serving me behind the counter and not feel guilty because I am now worried I will have offended her in anyway, when can I just be unreasonable, selfish, self centred and stubborn? I suppose the only real answer is I can't.  None of us can, can we, especially to the ones we love, because it will hurt them, and they are the last people that deserve that.  We can't allow ourselves to be swallowed up with our own emotions, thoughts and feelings because people expect us "normal" ones to behave in a certain way.  We can't be a Diva or a Rude person or a bitch, we can just be us.  We can however let go a little more, not to be better than the rest but to be better for ourselves.  We can take a lesson from the children, let go of the negativity that we get from others and face the new day with positivity. Allow others to release their emotions in an inappropriate or appropriate way, we don't need to rise to it, we don't need to fight our corner, or make our point.  We can just let it go, not because we don't care, but because we care very much.  If we let it go we can maybe help deal with the other persons issues and if they don't want that, then that's fine too, we can walk away from it with a clear conscience no guilt that we have added to whatever is giving them this emotional stress. So tomorrow I will take the example set by my children, I will accept that there will be people around me who are in a bad mood, whether they are close to my heart or not, but I won't let it crush me, I won't let it affect me, I will try to help because I am a caring person and I do want to help others, but if the help I offer is rejected I will not hold onto the feeling of hurt at the rejection I will just let it go, and walk away knowing I did all I could and that I should hold no guilt.  This will not make me a bad person, this will make me a person who wants to be in control over what goes on in her own head, who wants to be in control over what is important to her, and not allow others to control or try to damage her hard earned self esteem and respect and if others don't like it they don't need to be around it.  I am who I am, I get in to bad moods, I don't expect you to like it, but then I don't like yours either, but that is ok, because I am not going to hold on to it, I will help if I can but if I can't I can't. Life isn't easy for anyone and no one has the right to demand anything from anyone else (unless they are your children, then they can have every last thing you can give them) and no one needs to feel they aren't good enough, or worthy enough, or thankful to another person for their own existence. We are all equal and we are all beautiful.

Ok Ok its September 2013

Yes yes, I know I haven't been here for a while again..but I am back and ready to take on the world.  Since we last spoke, the family has grown somewhat and not in that way !!.. We now encompass me, Big man, Mooki, Ninja, Humf and Dotty (my mum) which is ok as we have moved to a new house and this has given all of us our own space.  Living with your mother again brings new and fresh challenges in your life which you don't get when you bring a traditional new addition to the household.  While its a blessing I don't need to change her bum, or get up with her for night feeds, I do have to contend with the nit picking and general attitude of a teenager while not actually being a teenager, which at times can be slightly frustrating..But more than any of that excitement, my biggest news is that now I am a photographer..!! Yes you read right.  3 years of studying at college, exams taken and passed to be a qualified accountant and I have left the whole lot behind to pick up a camera.  Why you may ask ?? or you may not depending on whether you actually are vaguely interested in reading this blog. Well I lost one job in September and the other job I was doing (yes working two jobs, we've all been there at some point haven't we) I was made redundant from in November and that kind of thing, makes you take a look at your life and what you are doing with it.  When I thought about it, I mean really thought about it, I wasn't actually happy working in an office enviroment. I know lots of people do it, and love it.  They can cope with the office politics and the pretense of actually caring about their work colleagues while secretly stabbing them in the back.  But I couldn't, things would upset me and play on my mind.  I'd worry if I had offended or distressed and had none of the hardness that seemed to go with these middle aged women, who gossiped about others as if playing out an episode of Eastenders. So while wondering what I did actually enjoy the camera kept popping in to my head.  I'd been told by Bigman plenty of times that I could take a photo and it would frustrate him that I had shied away from taking them for far to long.  So with some of my redundancy money I purchased a camera and started badgering friends to be my practise models, which they kindly did.  Not a month into my happy snapping and a gorgeous lady approached me to help out with a charity calendar, which I more than happily agreed to and 10 months later after raising nearly £4000 for a cancer hospice, I am doing Weddings, Portraits, Boudoir and Family shoots and loving every minute of it. Here's one that won a Judge's favourite award.  If you want, you can have a look at a few more on my facebook page www.facebook.com/Yourlifeyourink the website is still  in the process of being built :-)

I have no time to stand and stare

This is the life full of care
I have no time to stand and stare

No time to look through window panes
At beautiful shoes never worn again

No time for haircuts and beauty treats
Cups of coffee with friends to meet

No time to sit and read that book
Of far off peoples and roads they took

But still I'm happy with all my life
Through all the heartache, trouble and strife

My children are the ones that breathe
New life in all I can bequeath

With them I take the time to see
The sweetness and joy of their life with me

Thank you my darlings my precious ones
For making me the happiest mum.

Ok so its been about 3 weeks....

Haven't blogged for a while because quiet frankly the kakka has hit the fan.  From an incident that happened before Christmas to me finally plucking up the courage to do something about it until today has been a rollercoaster. 

So my life has changed forever once more, the path I believed I was on has disappeared in to the void and I am faced with the totally unknown once again.  To be honest this time I feel more prepared than I have ever done in the past.  I know my only focus in life is to do the best for my kids so I have a clear goal in that respect.  This encompasses many aspects of my life that until now I hadn't realised.  My college work is so important to me, because 1, hopefully it will provide me with a good career that will support my children and their growing needs, 2, it gives them some measure of respect for me that I am able to do I all the things I demand from them.  Namely believe in yourself, work hard and aim high. 3 It can instill in them a sense of no matter what life throws at you, there are ways of dealing and coping with that and that it can be enriching and rewarding even though it may not feel like it at the time.

On a social level, yes its hard doing it all by yourself but not having the constant angst and arguing in the house means I feel freer and I physically have more time.  How bad is that, now he is gone I actually have more time to do things round the house then when he was here and "suppose" to be helping.  I can be myself, learn who that person is again and take sometime to get to know myself.  I can relax without the constant fear that I might do or say something that will trigger an argument and this also benefits the children as their mother is allowed to bloom so will they be.

5 weeks he's been gone, 5 weeks and Ninja has already been put up a set in the classroom, his reading has jumped 2 sub levels. He has started writing short stories by himself for pleasure and is he is becoming more responsible, more mature and good natured.  5 weeks he's been gone, and the smile is back on my daughters face she is bubbly, happy and revelling in being young, gorgeous and adored by her mother. She spends time with me, she plays with her brothers, she partakes in almost all family life.  She has grown in confidence and now faces what is a scary future for her too with bravery.  5 weeks he's been gone and the baby is the baby, he talks now, he argues and he is determined but he also listens and understands more, is more willing to be patient and is starting to show empathy for those around him especially his brother and his sister.

3 months ago I would never have believe we would be better off without him, he was such a massive part of our lives, dominating everything we were and what we did.  But he was/is a bully, who controlled through fear and violence and he was damaging us all.  I see that now very clearly and I think I saw it then also but was to ashamed to admit I'd "F**ked up" once again.   For the first time ever I can say I have regret, I regret I didn't get the hell out of that relationship sooner.

I have my kids, I have my freedom, I am going to have a life.