The Interview.....

So last Friday I finally got to go for the interview I had been waiting for 2 weeks for.  Job hunting like on line dating and rightmove feel just like an extension of shopping to me.  Maybe I am a bit weird but I like doing it.  It has the same thrill of the chase as ploughing through the bargain bucket in tescos searching for hidden gems and the same high of excitement when you spot something with good potential and you snatch it up before anyone else can.  Alright its not exactly like that because ultimately you can't go for the 50k a year job with a CV that says stay at home mum for the last 4 years but you know what I mean.

I had left my search criteria quite open in the fact I wasn't too specific on role, distance or wage package and this allowed me to trawl through about 150 jobs on the Reed Accountancy website.  I beefed up my CV with my newly acquired qualifications and set about registering myself once again.  Alot of the jobs advertised on these sites seemed to be posted through recruitment agencies and while I know that there is slim chance that the jobs they are advertising actually exists I still set about writing polite covering letters and sending off my CV.

To my surprise I got 2 responses back, which in this day and age is a bit of a miracle, one was from an agency wanting to get me on their books. Fine who knows something might come of it. The other was from an agency phoning me to tell me their client wanted to see me..! Really ! Crap I have nothing to wear.  "The company are holding 4 interviews next Wednesday you need to be there at 4" Really ! Crap again. I can't make next Wednesday as the car is being serviced and MOT'd and I have no transportation.  "Oh" says the lady from the agency, "i'll have to let me client know you can't make it and I will call you back" well I was pretty convinced they were just going to say, never mind will see so and so instead as they will probably be able to make it. But miracle no 2 happened and she called me back to say they would see me on the Friday instead and could I make it for 10am.  I nearly kissed the receiver, of course Jessica no problems, yes send me the details by email, I'll be there with bells on.

So I spent the next week and a bit determined to find something in my wardrobe that was suitable and would mean me not having to spend any money and getting lectured on interview techniques by the 13 year old (they'd just done this as a topic in PSHE and she was full of tips and bright ideas, firm handshake, smile alot and remember to make a good impression within the first 30 seconds otherwise you just may as well give up).

The big day arrived and to say I was nervous was an understatement, I was sweating just standing in my bra and pants trying to do my hair and every time I put any make up on my face it just melted right back off again.  I chain smoked two cigarettes on the way to their office and then berated myself for going in there stinking of fags (so off putting don't you think).  Gave my firm but not to firm handshake and smiled my brightest smile possible.  The first thing the guy said to me was "don't worry we're not going to eat you" to which I replied "it would be a bloody hard job if you tried" hhmmm not a particularly good start I feel.  I then spent the next half an hour trying to explain why I wanted to leave this fantastically convenient and well paid job of mine to end up working full time with out so much more money.  When directly asked "are you only applying for jobs so that you can get out of the house for a bit?" I infactically answered yes but realised quite quickly that this was probably the wrong answer and made short sharp work of taking my foot out of my mouth and returning my brain to my empty bimbo head. They seemed nice enough people and also a worthy company to work for but his parting words to me as I was heading out the front door where "we had many many high calibre applicants the fact you have been able to get an interview was a good achievement" Brush off words if ever I heard them, oh well applied for another 15 today so keep your fingers crossed for me ..:0)

Too much, too little where do I find the balance....

Everyone goes on and on about parenting a teenager and how difficult it is. How their child becomes alien to them and how they can't communicate with their child and to be honest I always thought this was a bit of an exaggeration.  Well damn and blast haven't I come to the conclusion that no, really, it is that bad.  I so don't want to become one of those do as I say or else kind of parents but it feels as if she is trying to back me in to a corner to make it happen and then, just like that, she does something wonderful or makes a gesture of love which leaves me there stood still with the knowledge and feeling of well being that something is getting through.

I tell you there is nothing more scary than "officials" deciding if you are a good parent. With the split in Jan and the nature of it, the courts have taken an interest in the welfare of my children.  Its horrible and scary and while the rational side of my brain sees the logic and appreciates what is happening, the mummy in me is screaming.  If you knew me well, you'd know my children are my life and that I would never ever do anything detrimental to them.  But sifting through the massive amount of parent advise I am finding it difficult to ascertain what is best for them.  On the one hand I am being told that ideally children benefit from two parents and that contact with the father should be encouraged and he should be involved but on the other hand I have the courts telling me to hold fire they want to do assessments first.  Then there is the pressure he is placing on the children, telling them its my fault he can't see them and that I could make it all better.  Why would he do this?  He was there when the Judge made his order but for some twisted reason of his own he wants to try and drive a wedge between the kids and I. Telling the 6 year old "don't worry boy they can't keep us apart forever, just keep telling mummy you want to go to the park with me".  I then have to spend half an hour explaining that none of this situation is our fault and if there is anyone to blame its daddy for not being able to control himself.  What am I suppose to do? There is no way I am going to do anything that might jeopardise the powers that be's faith in me as a parent and I have been told on no uncertain terms that the contact stays as it is for the time being.  In the meantime Mr I have rights and I want to see my kids, has raised concerns over my parenting skills but is still not providing any regular maintenance for the children and doesn't seemed bothered by the fact that he isn't helping to keep a roof over their heads.  Does he seriously think that someone who has a pending criminal trial on his head would be given custody of his children? does he want the kids to go in to care? The kids themselves in the meantime are growing up happy, healthy and confident in this single parent family.  Everyone who spends time with has remarked on how well they are getting on and how much more settled they seem.  They are looking forward to their well deserved time off over the summer and I plan to do lots of things with them, just hope we start getting some decent weather.

Anyway sorry for ranting, still trying to get things off my chest.  Its going to be a long process and unfortunately this is one of my ways of venting. I will try for a happier post soon, I promise..! xx