Its not me, its you....

The house is quiet, the washing & dishwasher are on and I am sat here looking through my photos when this over whelming urge to rant has come over me.  So sorry bloggerasphere as you are my ranting forum here goes.

Have you ever heard of the type of people that will push their thoughts, feelings and insecurities on to others so they don't have to actually accept them and deal with them themselves?  

I cannot stand it when people, who have no clue what my life is like or walk in my shoes, who quite frankly don't even know me, think they can pass judgement or make assumptions about me.  These people are of course oblivious to the obvious short comings of their own self’s and prefer rather than having to look at the harsh reality that is their failures in life, instead choose to find ways to poke holes in and criticise everybody else’s. Then on top of that try to make out that somehow it’s actually you doing the criticising and poking holes in to their lives.  Like somehow they are the victims and if only you would leave them alone it would be fine.

It seems that no matter what I post on Twitter someone will continually take it as a personal attack on themselves.  I mean how conceited can you be to assume my posting a picture of my kids or mentioning a day out planned is only to "hurt" and "aggrieved" another person who has nothing to do with my life.  How can someone who doesn't know me who hasn't ever been in my life continually accuse me of lying about the things that have happened to me.  To then take those same things and judge me as a failure as a person and as a mother because I allowed them to happen.  To then also accuse me of making my life in to a fairy tale of blissful happiness, to then attack my appearance, to call me names, to belittle my feelings and then to accuse me of playing victim and a bully (how can I be both for god sake). 

Apparently I am an insecure, hypocrite, who is a skank, a bad role model for my f*cked up daughter, I am a liar, I am also a lard arse chav covered in spots, tattoos & going bald. I pretend to be a victim when actually I am a control freak bully who sponges of my mother and pretends to work for a living.

And this is only the recent stuff. 

Arguably the elephant in the room is this, why am I still reading this shit.  My only defensive such as it is, is I am masochistic (well I must be mustn’t I lol) The sensible side of my brain has told me time & time to stop as has my beautiful loving man, who thinks the world of me.  But like annoying scab that I want to get rid of I keep picking at it. 

I'm pretty sure it’s being done for attention, a chance to get a reaction, to make an impact on a life that isn't anything to do with them.  We've all been hurt in life we've all been trod on and made to look a fool, but I never did this to her, she spent months trying to get him back, emails, texts, letters, videos of herself.  All the while continually attacking me, attacking my children and trying to ruin 5 lives 3 of which are totally innocent.  Except apparently my daughter is alcoholic whore who needs help fast according to her.

I can only suppose that the fact this all failed has pushed her to go even further like planning to move closer to where we live.  I am genuinely frightened, this woman is nuts, has no concept of boundaries of what is appropriate, of letting go even.  She has an extremely over inflated opinion of herself and just cannot accept that I am loved, I am on the planet and that I could achieve even a modicum of success in my life and if I do it’s a total affront to her sensibilities and I should be chastised over it immediately.

No doubt this blog post will cause uproar again with emails flying this way and that, threats being made and accusations being hurled again.  But this is my life, this my blog and will post on it whatever I choose.  If people want to read it that’s fine I don't force them to, I don't mention names or give indications to anyone’s identities. 

It’s a story, an open letter, a parable, a diary entry and it makes no reference to anyone in particular. 

Turning the big 40 & what it means for a woman.....

This weekend I hit the big 4.0 !! I know hard to believe its finally arrived, middle age..eek.

To be honest though I think I am in a better place turning 40 than I was turning 30.  10 years ago I was fairly newly married had a young child and was pregnant with my second.  It wasn't an easy pregnancy being as I was poorly through most of it and so I spent the first part of my 30th year being either sick or at the hospital getting check ups while also dealing with a grieving husband whose Father had died 3 weeks after we found out we were expecting.  Then over the next few years came the ups and downs of new babies, house moves and feelings of loneliness and separation.

Today as I start my 40's my children while still young are a lot more independent of me.  Our family unit is complete and everyone is just getting on with the business of growing up.  Yes of course there are still the daily stresses that everyone goes through.  I live with my mother for goodness sake so I know all about them, there just isn't the emotional upheaval there was 10 years ago.

If I look back on that time with a honest appraisal I can clearly see how things between hubbies and I went so down hill.  Neither of us were prepared for what losing a parent while gaining a child would do to us emotionally and mentally.  While we thought we were probably coping ok, we were in actual fact feathers on the wind being blown this way and that managing to connect briefly only to be pushed apart by another big gust of wind ie work, money worries, demands of family raising, other ties with people and each other if I am honest.  The fact we managed to get through any of it is a pure and simple testimony to how much we love each other.

When we first met 15 years ago it felt like old souls reunited through reincarnation with a deep and basic need for each other that surprised both of us, as I don't think either of us had experience such a depth of emotion for anyone else in our lives before.  In actual fact as time has gone on and with all we have put each other through that basic primal need for each other is still as strong as ever.

So here I am starting my 40's with "the love of my life" (not words I say lightly by any stretch of the imagination) by my side ready to hold my hand while we walk forward towards the rest of our lives.  We have promised to be good to one another, to not take each other for granted, to support each other and to never let the other one face anything alone.  We have plans to travel as soon as the youngest is old enough. China is our first port of call then off to the other parts of the Far East. We plan to share the joys of grandchildren together whenever they turn up and we plan to always take time for one another and never again get so wrapped up in our own heads that we stop the most important people from getting in close.

For this year and for the next few we've still got to see our babies through puberty, first loves, exams, university and everything else they'll need to get them to adulthood.  Which is its own adventure, and when that's done we can look forward to our time together to feed our thirst for new & for learning.  There's no fear now, no insecurity, its as if the circle has come back on its self.  I laugh when I catch him looking at some skirt, he's a man they all do it that doesn't mean for 1 single second he would rather have that and lose me, in fact I know that for sure he doesn't want anyone else, he has proved that time and time again.  He knows how much I love him too, he's not worried or insecure about who I am or what I think.  He doesn't fret if I don't phone, or immediately assume I am going to do the dirty on him.  All that pressure and fear we put on each other before is just gone, wiped clean.

Don't get me wrong, I still have my days, my hormones are a bastard but eventually even that will pass, he just has to avoid me for a few days each month till it clears and I have to keep taking those vitamin B's lol

All I can say is hello 40's I've got the door wide open and I am welcoming you in because I'm a little bit older and a little wiser and I ready to face whatever you throw at me...