Turning the big 40 & what it means for a woman.....

This weekend I hit the big 4.0 !! I know hard to believe its finally arrived, middle age..eek.

To be honest though I think I am in a better place turning 40 than I was turning 30.  10 years ago I was fairly newly married had a young child and was pregnant with my second.  It wasn't an easy pregnancy being as I was poorly through most of it and so I spent the first part of my 30th year being either sick or at the hospital getting check ups while also dealing with a grieving husband whose Father had died 3 weeks after we found out we were expecting.  Then over the next few years came the ups and downs of new babies, house moves and feelings of loneliness and separation.

Today as I start my 40's my children while still young are a lot more independent of me.  Our family unit is complete and everyone is just getting on with the business of growing up.  Yes of course there are still the daily stresses that everyone goes through.  I live with my mother for goodness sake so I know all about them, there just isn't the emotional upheaval there was 10 years ago.

If I look back on that time with a honest appraisal I can clearly see how things between hubbies and I went so down hill.  Neither of us were prepared for what losing a parent while gaining a child would do to us emotionally and mentally.  While we thought we were probably coping ok, we were in actual fact feathers on the wind being blown this way and that managing to connect briefly only to be pushed apart by another big gust of wind ie work, money worries, demands of family raising, other ties with people and each other if I am honest.  The fact we managed to get through any of it is a pure and simple testimony to how much we love each other.

When we first met 15 years ago it felt like old souls reunited through reincarnation with a deep and basic need for each other that surprised both of us, as I don't think either of us had experience such a depth of emotion for anyone else in our lives before.  In actual fact as time has gone on and with all we have put each other through that basic primal need for each other is still as strong as ever.

So here I am starting my 40's with "the love of my life" (not words I say lightly by any stretch of the imagination) by my side ready to hold my hand while we walk forward towards the rest of our lives.  We have promised to be good to one another, to not take each other for granted, to support each other and to never let the other one face anything alone.  We have plans to travel as soon as the youngest is old enough. China is our first port of call then off to the other parts of the Far East. We plan to share the joys of grandchildren together whenever they turn up and we plan to always take time for one another and never again get so wrapped up in our own heads that we stop the most important people from getting in close.

For this year and for the next few we've still got to see our babies through puberty, first loves, exams, university and everything else they'll need to get them to adulthood.  Which is its own adventure, and when that's done we can look forward to our time together to feed our thirst for new & for learning.  There's no fear now, no insecurity, its as if the circle has come back on its self.  I laugh when I catch him looking at some skirt, he's a man they all do it that doesn't mean for 1 single second he would rather have that and lose me, in fact I know that for sure he doesn't want anyone else, he has proved that time and time again.  He knows how much I love him too, he's not worried or insecure about who I am or what I think.  He doesn't fret if I don't phone, or immediately assume I am going to do the dirty on him.  All that pressure and fear we put on each other before is just gone, wiped clean.

Don't get me wrong, I still have my days, my hormones are a bastard but eventually even that will pass, he just has to avoid me for a few days each month till it clears and I have to keep taking those vitamin B's lol

All I can say is hello 40's I've got the door wide open and I am welcoming you in because I'm a little bit older and a little wiser and I ready to face whatever you throw at me...

teeth in my pocket......

Been at the new job a month now, and wow has that flown by...We had the Christmas do on Saturday, which considering was basically made up with couples, was actually quite a fun evening.  I had hoped to be able to totally let my hair down and have a drink and get a taxi home but as usual being a parent took priority and plus dealing with the boys with a hangover is not a pleasant prospective thought anyway.  So I did the evening sober while others around me got drunk and on the most part acted up and made prats of themselves.  Monday when I came in to work I defiantly felt much more part of the company and a bit more settled, I mean I had seen most of the managers and my bosses more than a little giggly and had also been sat on the table with my friend who just happens to be the person that organises everything for the company and made to feel very welcome.  Bless a few of the guys had tried to get me up on the dance floor to dance with them and their wives but that was a lonely heart step to far for me and I refused, though I did get up a few times when the ladies where dancing on their own.

On another note entirely its nearly here you know the "big day" which means I have been writing this blog for nearly 2 years and haven't things changed in that time. While I maybe a stronger person who is learning to live without, I am also discovering that I don't think I want to live with out so hope I won't have to forever :0)

The kids are as excited as ever about the day, if I can make it there without collapsing with exhaustion I think that will be an achievement on my part.  Its not that my kids are hard work which they are but no more than anyone else's, I think its just that I am their first and sometimes only port of call for all their thoughts, feelings, stress and excitement and its sooo draining. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't swap it for anything, I am just tired lol....

If I am honest with 5 days to go I'm still not exactly sure what I have bought and whether they will want any of it but heyho if this one goes pear shaped I will just put it down to first Christmas nerves (yes I know its not our first Christmas but it is without the looming shadow of Paul and all that entailed). As far as Father Christmas is concerned Ninja looked me in the eye the other day and said "Mummy, I'm pretty sure its you that buys all the presents, but I'll just pretend it's Santa because that's more fun" to which I said a little to shrilled "of course its Santa" I hate lying to them but Mooki told me when she caught me with the presents one year she was devastated and it has scarred her for life, so continue the charade I must and anyway the 3 year old won't be trying to sneak around and catch me out unlike his older brother which I have a feeling will probably be popping proplus all night waiting to catch me out just so he can say "see I told you so".

Oh if you are wondering still at the title of this blog post and you have made it this far, firstly well done and secondly they title comes from the fact I worn a cardigan to work today that I haven't seen for a while as its been hidden in the pit of the Mook and what should I find in the pocket but Mooki's teeth guard for bleaching her teeth........nice.

Bad Breath, Failure on the Job Front and OMG 6 weeks till Christmas...

Ninja told me yesterday that two "little" people by that I mean his classmates, have told him he has bad breath....In honesty I panicked a little when he said this and about 1000 things raced through my mind.  These mainly ranged from oh g-d, how am I going to sort this one out to, is this why he is telling me he has no friends, to should I pack him a toothbrush in his school bag, to how the heck am I going to make this not a big deal or should I.  To my credit if he sensed any of this panic it was only a little as I was very good, smiled my brightest smile said "Oh did they" desperately trying to give myself time to think what was the best way forward in this possible minefield of self-consciousness and too his credit he actually didn't seem too bothered by the bad breath comments and has shouldered it as his contemporaries just pointing something out to him in the same way they might point out he had some mud on his jumper or jam on his face.

When we got home, we discussed it a bit further and between us we came to the conclusion that there wasn't too much we could do about it as he is a good toothbrusher, that recently he has had a cold and that means he has been breathing through his mouth alot more therefore causing more bacteria to sit in his throat and also he has started school dinners and they may be putting different spices and herbs in the dinner that may also be contributing to the problem.  For the moment we have decided not to worry about it too much and that if it continues to be a problem we will look at maybe taking further steps to counteract the problem. I was so pragmatic about the whole thing I thought for a minute I had turned in to a man...yeah me for some solid head not heart parenting...! (seriously did not want to say or do anything that would possibly give him a complex)

Well you know how very excited about the whole new job thing I was and that it was such a massive big deal that was going to change all our lives forever, as embarrassing as it is to admit it, I have to say, I only managed 2 days.  Yes, yes I know how it sounds and I also know I didn't give it much of a chance, but hear me out before you go all judgemental on me. 

Dropping the kids off at 7.30am was a massive shock to all our systems to get in to work for 8.30am, we just don't do early starts as a family at all plus the fact they were bascially still asleep as I left them at nursery and I hadn't really had a chance for a cuddle or even a good morning I was so frantic not to be late.

 The first day I was placed at a desk in a massive open planned office with over 100 other people in it (bare in mind I have be working from home alone for the last 4 years and that was a lot of other people to content with) where basically I spent the first half an hour blankly staring in to space (a theme that continued over the next 2 days) wondering if, this was a zombie movie who would be the first to turn and start eating people and playing spot the pyscho (trying to guess which incredibly down trodden lonely desk worker is going to be the one to walk in one day with the sawn off shot gun at start mowing down everyone who's ever so much as looked at him funny. My guess was it would be one of the tech guys, they just looked so mightly cross all the time).

When I was finally "allowed" to handle the laptop on my desk, cue peed off tech guy storming over to me huffing a lot and mumbling something under his breath (probably some computer talk curse) all he did was hand me a piece of paper with some passwords on them, tell me to change them and then I was to start reading through the computer procedures manual. I am an (almost) accountant....I do not want to know how to remote login to reboot the interface and download the thingymebob so I can back-up fifteen hours of crap and virus check my handbag, shoes and nasal spray (don't ask). I nearly fell asleep around 15 times reading all that rubbish.

At about 11.30am my "buddy" came round to see me, great!, she then proceed to take me to each and everyone of the people I would be sharing this massive office space with, introduce me and somehow expect me to stay focus and interested (g-d knows how the royals do it) I just ended up wanting to shout at her, "I don't care what department we are in I am bored and i just want to do some work".

This took me to lunch time, where I was taken aside by one of the "old hags from Macbeth" I mean the nice older ladies who work on Timesheet data entry or something, and told "be warned, tell no one your business, the office is full of people that will stab you in the back".

Day 2 was even worse as I didn't even have my "buddy" to come and talk to me, instead I was just given more procedure manuals to read.  When I asked my "supposed" colleague was there anything she could show me, teach me or please at least talk to me.  She just stared at me blankly, sighed a little and begrudingly handed me over some work which she explained with lighting speed so I had almost no chance of understanding.  I p**d her off though as I managed to work my way through it anyway, she didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.

Crucially though when I left the building at 4.45pm there was a message on my mobile from Mooki's school telling me she wasn't well.  I cried a little, I had asked during the day what the company rules where on mobile phone usage and they had bascially told me they weren't allowed across the board.  So my little girl (well ok I know not so little) had had to stay at school feeling very unwell then drag herself home on the bus because I couldn't recieve the call from her school and there is no one else for the school to be able to phone, I have no family up here there is just me. Can't do it, I can't work for a company that doesn't allow me to recieve calls. I have young children, I am the only point of contact, I have to be able to be phoned, what if that had been one of the younger ones or if Mooki had been more seriously ill. So I jacked it in the next morning without a second thought.

Anyway no point crying over it, at least I know now that I can't do full time as its just not practical (I didn't see Humf for the whole 2 days as he was always asleep or about to be) and I will just have to keep looking for the elusive perfect part time role.

By the way 6 weeks till Christmas have you even thought about it yet ????!

Finally off the Prozac and UN Peace negotiations

Been off the Prozac for over a month.  I just woke up one morning and thought "I don't need it anymore".  The only side effect I can think off (if you could actually call it a side effect) is that things seem to matter more.  If people cut me up I get annoyed, if something upsets me it makes me cry and I don't want the kids to run riot anymore.  I have stopped just doing everything for them. If they make a mess I get them to tidy it up, I am stricter on bedtime and I am not letting missy get away with continuously living in a dung heap. 

I know the last few months have been hard and that we have all has to adjust to new roles with in the house.  It has taken time for the kids to see me as a serious parent and not just the soft one, Mooki has had to come to the realisation she is important and valued for her burgeoning adult opinions and ideas, Ninja has had to learn independence and the idea of being responsible for himself and Humf is just basically thriving even in this lop sided one parent family.

All this being said half term has been a mine field with the slightest wrong footing and the whole thing blowing up in my face.  The reason for this I think are many fold and the answers to fixing it having been many fold too.  I am convinced that the fact I am starting a new job on Monday that to be honest I am worried sick about, that I have been trying to talk myself out of, but I also know that I have no choice but to start has had a big impact on my attitude to things.

I am very consciences that this is the most time I am going to get to spend with the kids for while so therefore want things to be perfect, which its not being. Loose ends suddenly need tying with my previous role that can't be left. College has got very hard this year and I need to spend time getting that straight in my head and for some bizarre reason I decided to have a Halloween party this year.

This is where the UN peace negotiations start........Ninja had a birthday last week and so has lots of new games and toys to play with.  Humf thinks he is basically able to do whatever Ninja is doing and can't understand why his big brother is so reluctant to play the games with him.  Logger heads have been met and intricate and detailed schedule of times of play, TV and general larking about have had to be designed. 

In between these two immovable forces of desires and wants I have stood this week basically getting shouted at, whined at, grumbled at and given dirt looks at.  One child is always left feeling put out by these discussions and all I want to do is get on with the stuff I need to do so we can spend the rest of the week having a nice time together.  I think I am fighting a losing battle to be honest and that I should stop beating myself up in bed at night worrying about it ( well Humf beats me up enough kicking me all over during the night )

In a blink of an eye it will be Christmas and I will be starting all this all over again !..

Normality Returning

Wow, I feel some sort of normalility returning to my brain after two weeks of bag folding...! Goodness me that job involves so much more than just the mear fact of folding and stuffing..It massively impacts on family life driving everything else to the back burner and putting a surmountable pressure on Paul and I to complete it and get it out of the way. And the fantastic intentions of the beginning of the job wain so sharply and so quickly I wonder why we do it..Well I know of course we do it for the extra money and yes its worthwhile but it always leaves me alittle shell shocked..!! On the plus side I am now so excited about the prospect of finally getting to do some housework the I am positively bubbling..Oooo Bliss 1 whole day of solid uninterupted housework...I love my kids with all my heart and would play with them over housework everyday of the week but there is no one else who can do it and to have the luxury of being able to just continue working until the job is done, with no drink breaks, lunch breaks, arguement breaks, fall over and bash yourself breaks and the one that really drives me mad the MUM MUM MUM !!! MUM MUM MUM !!! breaks will be better than a whole evening of tele to myself..Yes I really am that sad !!! and having made extra bolegnese sauce today I won't even have to worry about dinner tomorrow LIFE IS GOOD