Haven't blogged for a while because quiet frankly the kakka has hit the fan. From an incident that happened before Christmas to me finally plucking up the courage to do something about it until today has been a rollercoaster.
So my life has changed forever once more, the path I believed I was on has disappeared in to the void and I am faced with the totally unknown once again. To be honest this time I feel more prepared than I have ever done in the past. I know my only focus in life is to do the best for my kids so I have a clear goal in that respect. This encompasses many aspects of my life that until now I hadn't realised. My college work is so important to me, because 1, hopefully it will provide me with a good career that will support my children and their growing needs, 2, it gives them some measure of respect for me that I am able to do I all the things I demand from them. Namely believe in yourself, work hard and aim high. 3 It can instill in them a sense of no matter what life throws at you, there are ways of dealing and coping with that and that it can be enriching and rewarding even though it may not feel like it at the time.
On a social level, yes its hard doing it all by yourself but not having the constant angst and arguing in the house means I feel freer and I physically have more time. How bad is that, now he is gone I actually have more time to do things round the house then when he was here and "suppose" to be helping. I can be myself, learn who that person is again and take sometime to get to know myself. I can relax without the constant fear that I might do or say something that will trigger an argument and this also benefits the children as their mother is allowed to bloom so will they be.
5 weeks he's been gone, 5 weeks and Ninja has already been put up a set in the classroom, his reading has jumped 2 sub levels. He has started writing short stories by himself for pleasure and is he is becoming more responsible, more mature and good natured. 5 weeks he's been gone, and the smile is back on my daughters face she is bubbly, happy and revelling in being young, gorgeous and adored by her mother. She spends time with me, she plays with her brothers, she partakes in almost all family life. She has grown in confidence and now faces what is a scary future for her too with bravery. 5 weeks he's been gone and the baby is the baby, he talks now, he argues and he is determined but he also listens and understands more, is more willing to be patient and is starting to show empathy for those around him especially his brother and his sister.
3 months ago I would never have believe we would be better off without him, he was such a massive part of our lives, dominating everything we were and what we did. But he was/is a bully, who controlled through fear and violence and he was damaging us all. I see that now very clearly and I think I saw it then also but was to ashamed to admit I'd "F**ked up" once again. For the first time ever I can say I have regret, I regret I didn't get the hell out of that relationship sooner.
I have my kids, I have my freedom, I am going to have a life.