Monday, 14 March 2016

Ways in which we self harm with no weapon...

When we think of the term "self harm" we think of teenagers with razors or addicts refusing to get help, but I think the problem is a far wider one with a good percentage of the population coming under the umbrella of "self harm" at one point or another in our lives.

For instance who hasn't looked at up an ex just to "see" what ever he or she is doing knowing full well that they have probably moved on with their lives and are seeing other people. We know that seeing this will insight some emotional response mostly we hope the response we want to get from ourselves is contempt or relief but 9 times out of 10 it only gives us pain but we still go ahead and do it.

I'd like to think that no one is ignorant to the fact that abuse in relationships is not healthy or right and yet there are thousands of people that stay within an abusive relationship with flimsy justifications of why we should stay or how breaking up isn't an option.

Then there are those people who are spend their lives trying to compete in a contest that no one else is involved in. They spend precious time and energy scratching around for information about a person and then try to compete with that person in an effort to somehow "one up" them and that continuously fails as the target of their obsession is normally ignorant of them and so the person is in a never ending cycle of disappointment and with that further deflating their self esteem and actually harming themselves.

As I think about these things it seems to me that people feel a need to punish themselves which in turn allows them to feel in control of their own being.

From the day we are born we are being told what to do by other human beings for good or bad we are instructed in the many ways it takes to become an adult and while for the most part this is done with good intentions and love it is also done with the sense that it must be done, that it is the only thing that is to be done and when the rules aren't followed then punishment of any kind is often quick to follow.

As adults we are suddenly let out in to the world without further instruction and without the familiarity of rules and punishment which has given us our sense of security for the last 18 years.

When my eldest child turned 18 last year I was shocked to see the fear on her face at the realisation that she was now solely responsible for herself.  Obviously over the last few months she has come to terms with that, reassured by us as parents that we aren't going to just abandon her now she is 18 but also respecting the fact she must make her decisions about where she wants to go and how she wants to proceed with her life. What strikes me is that with that sense of fear she first felt it can be followed by anxiety and the feeling of losing control over the life she's always known and this in turn may bring her to try and emulate the limits and guidelines we have given her while growing up.

Now we all know that being an adult is nothing like being a child and the rules of the games are not the same so to it makes sense to try and self govern when a world of possibility is opened up to you in one turn of the 24 hour clock and while we may try impose on ourselves values and ideals that we think are right we are often left floundering when things don't turn out how we expected them to. This is when the "self punishment" side of our character kicks in,

I think we use this as a way to control and correct mistakes we feel we have made.  If we can "tell ourselves off" to the point of either mental or physical pain we feel we can make our lives go the way we'd like them to, as in the way we can "sorry" as a child and make everything better again.

I feel it is good that this is something I am aware of in my own personality, with a constant stream of chatter in my head telling me I'm not good enough the impulse to do things that I know will cause me pain is very strong as a way of a "punishment" to myself. It is a constant thing that I need to remind myself that I am good enough and I am worthy even when I make the occasional mistake.

I hope I can keep fighting the battle and that I don't get swallowed in to a vicious cycle of mentally self harming myself, as not only will I suffer but my family will suffer too.

Monday, 22 February 2016

Pathological Liars...Is it a disease of the mind?

I know its been a while again with this whole blogging thing but hubbie said something to me this weekend that has got me thinking and also wanting to discuss it a bit.

On this rare and treasured evening out without our darling children, where we were able to just talk, be together and say what we are thinking, he told me that one of the qualities of me he finds astounding is my ability to "just be me" in all situations.

With me he sees an honesty about who I am, I don't hide behind lies or masks I am me, take me as I am. He says this is a pure honesty when he sees me in social situations he sees me, Caroline, not a masked person hiding from who they really are, not the joker, or the aggressor, the loud one, the bubbly one, the one who thinks they are gods gift, the mutton dressed as lamb or the one who needs a few glasses of something to relax, he sees just me good or bad, boring or funny, the person he loves.

As I said before this got me thinking about all those people who front the world with a persona. Those who put on a mask and are so frightened of what people think of them they aren't even able to be honest with themselves. Because being honest with yourself is truly a hard thing to do and if you are constantly lying about who you are, being honest with yourself is even harder as you start to believe your own lies.

While I understand a lot of people live with this mask thing and 9 times out of 10 it does no harm, I worry about those who are so lost in their ability to recognise who they really are that reality actually slips and all that is left is the persona one that needs constant bolstering and investing in.

Think about it if you are constantly worrying about letting the mask slip you are actually not getting to enjoy life.  Never is this more apparent then the false worlds that are shown via social media the constant need for recognistion as it only seems "fair" that all this effort is going in to make this life seem so amazingly perfect others should admire, appreciate it or even envy it.  What happens when these needy people don't get the adulation they think they deserve, they of course go on the attack.

Liars whether it be outwardly to others around them or inwardly to themselves already have a slight bent towards creating fantasy lives, loves and realities. Social media is a perfect platform for this and mostly can carry on living in their virtual worlds harmlessly.  Those pathological liars, liars who've spent their entire lives living in their lies who get called out, shown up, humiliated even, are a dangerous bunch, willing to go to to extreme measures to have their thoughts and fantasies validated again.

They will attempt to drag anyone and everyone into their dark place to back up their own ideas their own internal thoughts to bring people into their webs so they can continue to hide from themselves because that is their true aim.  Spinning tales of fantasy, attacking those who don't accept it, creating further lies to reach those who aren't interested, all these tactics are used purely to bolster the constantly crumbling wall that they are using to protect themselves from essentially themselves.

Its like the caked on make up on the pretty woman, she has so little self worth, so little belief in herself and is so frightened that beneath it all, there is nothing there that anyone would be interested in.  The liars will pile on more and more lies, will work through every angle, try every avenue to bolster the wall and gain the recognition they think they deserve.  They will use tactics to try to worm their way into peoples lives they think they can manipulate to hold up their fantasy lives and will try to tear down anyone lives they perceive as a threat to their made up realities.

So my question is, is this a sickness, a mental illness, or are they just born this way? also how the hell do we keep ourselves away from them, protect our children from them and recognise one when it comes our way?

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Living with Mother

Ok so I am 18 months into living with my mother, and while for the most part things are going well, there is always the odd thing that leaves me pondering what I am going to be like when I am 70.

For instance the charity shop mug buying. Lately Mum has decided that visiting the charity shop once a week "to see what they've got in" is a necessary part of life and invariably she'll come home with some weird and wonderful mug that someone else has chucked out for whatever reason and she'll stick it in the cupboard with all the purposefulness of "there see what I've bought you" while I am left wondering a. did we need another mug and b. why does she keep buying them when she only ever uses the one mug and never deviates for love nor money from this favoured mug, thus leading me to believe she must think I am missing something from my life and clearly a mug from the charity shop will full fill it.

Then we have the tidying up, the shoe polishing and the dishwasher.  While I'd be the first to admit I am not the tidiest of people I don't actually believe I let things slide that badly, and while I appreciate the help she offers sometimes with keeping things under control she does drive me up the fecking wall when she gets "busy" with my washing, or the cup and plate I've been using or when the kids have left their shoes not quite in the cupboard.  Its the huffing and puffing the accompanies this task that drives me up the wall.  The "actually, I'm feeling really poorly and I shouldn't have to be doing this for you" speech I get as she shuffles over to a napkin that Chip has just accidentally dropped on the floor leans over with a dramatic flurry sighing and mumbling about passing out as she does it.  GRRHH Mum, I didn't ask you to do this, you are not my cleaner PA that must follow mine and the kids footsteps in case we might make a mess.  I wouldn't mind, but if you go in to her "areas" of the house its not exactly a palace of perfection and she's quite a messy person on the quiet.

I have to spend quite a bit of time reminding myself I am 40 years old not 14 and that I am a capable, productive member of this family and society and that she's only doing this stuff and moaning about it because she is finding it difficult not being able to be as productive as she used to be and so because she's so full of her own self doubt about having a valuable place in the family, she's constantly trying to undermind my place in the family and we come to blows when she can't.

She wants Hubbie to take her side on all things, how I behave, how the kids behave, what the animals do and whose fault it all is.  When one of the biggest changes to our lives is that Hubbie no longer believes the crap she talks and moans about me, whereas before he and I would argue because she'd wound him up against me, and, at the end of the day if all those things she complains about or feels I am unjust about if they were really true or really that bad, he and I would never have got back together and she wouldn't have asked to live with me.

While I know I am not perfect I am grateful that Hubbie now doesn't allow the bitchness and stabbing in the back my mum has a habit of doing to both her daughters about both her daughters to effect him and wound him up anymore.  Also she needs to learn that while he doesn't think the sun shines out of his kids bottoms only he and I are allowed to say anything that isn't positive about them.  It is the nature of the beast in the fact that most us believe our children are a direct reflection on ourselves so cussing them is cussing us as well something no one likes.  Only my Mum can't see that moaning about the way my sister and I behave and bitching about us behind our backs only serves to make her seem either a useless mother or the reason we turned out the way we did.

Anyway these are all little and annoying things that I am living with on a daily basis not to much to worry about and not that bad.  Just a little irritating if you know what I mean lol.

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

September school blues

AAAAAHHHH frustrated...

How are you guys?  I know its been awhile since I have blogged again, my work rate is, how shall we put it "inconstant"? at the best of times.  But I am here now ready to vent, I mean discuss various topics in a sensible manner.

So they've been back at school a month. Biggest has started her A-levels which she is enjoying, I think being able to concentrate on the fewer subjects and they also being ones she really enjoys has focused her mind and she seems to have settled in well.  Middle one is the last year to have been moved to the middle school. Which much to most of the locals are disgusted is being closed down in favour of the two tier system rather than the three tier system we currently have.

He's finding middle school holds all the challenges you'd expect.  The building is alot larger, there are more teachers and the homework is alot harder.  While he is still up for the challenge, he is finding it a challenge though his peers seem not to have noticed, having voted him to be class Representative for the school council and generally being seen as a good friend and nice person.  He lets off the pressure at bit at home, which is fine, but sometimes getting snapped at by my usually placid child takes me by surprise.

Little bit on the other hand is a law unto himself.  He just doesn't like being told what to do, following rules or generally being bossed around.  Which at school you are gonna get from time to time..

He hasn't quite figured it out yet if you bend to the system the system will bend to you.  Tonight I am going in to see his teacher for the 2nd time in as many weeks if only to plead my case on what the heck am I suppose to do with him?  He's a sweet boy, with a big heart and inquisitive mind who just has a very strong opinion of himself.  He wants to have friends, be social and enjoy life,  but he finds things so frustrating when they don't go the way he thinks they ought to,  He struggles with a few social concepts not understanding what others might be thinking and also while he tries his hardest to empathise with his peers, sometimes he just "doesn't get it" and this frustrates him further.

He doesn't like to push himself preferring to step back and allow others to show him when he and they both know he is capable of whatever it is he wants to achieve.  He lacks confidence in his abilities so tends to hide behind people letting them shine while keeping himself to himself.

He's so able, soaking in knowledge all the time and having a far greater understanding for what is going on around him but refusing to show it, almost as if he knows if he allows people to see what he is capable of then they will expect that from him more and he just doesn't want to give it.

How frustrating, he's intelligent, bright, engaged, loving and generous of spirit but doesn't want anyone to know that about him. What do I do with that, how do I make him see that allowing people to see him for himself doesn't mean he'll be stuck doing things he doesn't want to do. How do you explain that to a 6 year old who spends his life thinking everyone is just trying to boss him around for the sake of it.


Keep your fingers crossed for me his teacher has some thoughts because I am at a loss.