Sunday, 27 February 2011

Friday Night Out...

So last Friday was my first night out without the kids in about 10 months and my first time out as a single woman for about 10 years.  It was a most surreal experience, in the fact that, while the game may not have changed I seem to have phenomenally.  Everyone under 30 look like babies (except for my friends of course). Anyone my aged looked like pain had been etched all over their faces and anyone older didn't even look up from their glass.  While I thought it might have been nice to get chatted up, in reality it was all just a bit creepy and the more I had to drink the creepier it got.  I've never been a massive pub goer ever and in that respect it a good pub that plays fun songs so I was comfortable being there. I just had no idea where I fitted in to the social standing, I wasn't a carefree single looking for a 6 month fling, but neither am I desperate to find love so I am not alone in my old age.  I think I am pretty sure who I am, I am a boring middle aged mum, who is devoted to her kids and doesn't have much time for anything else, I am over weight, slightly saggy and love my friends to pieces..Tell me what the hell is inviting about that.  Don't get me wrong I am not pining for the days before, seeing him on Saturday was enough of a reminder of why I am single now.  I think maybe I am just expecting too much of myself to just jump on my feet and move forward in my life.  10 years of being subject to demoralising and demeaning comments is alot of baggage to try to forget and disbelieve.  Slowly though I think I will recover may not today or tomorrow but in time and Friday night was the proof that I don't need to be a bed with someone to feel any self worth.  Oh and walking back the mile home in barefoot was fun lol (those bloody heels were killing me !!!)

Friday, 11 February 2011

Ok so its been about 3 weeks....

Haven't blogged for a while because quiet frankly the kakka has hit the fan.  From an incident that happened before Christmas to me finally plucking up the courage to do something about it until today has been a rollercoaster. 

So my life has changed forever once more, the path I believed I was on has disappeared in to the void and I am faced with the totally unknown once again.  To be honest this time I feel more prepared than I have ever done in the past.  I know my only focus in life is to do the best for my kids so I have a clear goal in that respect.  This encompasses many aspects of my life that until now I hadn't realised.  My college work is so important to me, because 1, hopefully it will provide me with a good career that will support my children and their growing needs, 2, it gives them some measure of respect for me that I am able to do I all the things I demand from them.  Namely believe in yourself, work hard and aim high. 3 It can instill in them a sense of no matter what life throws at you, there are ways of dealing and coping with that and that it can be enriching and rewarding even though it may not feel like it at the time.

On a social level, yes its hard doing it all by yourself but not having the constant angst and arguing in the house means I feel freer and I physically have more time.  How bad is that, now he is gone I actually have more time to do things round the house then when he was here and "suppose" to be helping.  I can be myself, learn who that person is again and take sometime to get to know myself.  I can relax without the constant fear that I might do or say something that will trigger an argument and this also benefits the children as their mother is allowed to bloom so will they be.

5 weeks he's been gone, 5 weeks and Ninja has already been put up a set in the classroom, his reading has jumped 2 sub levels. He has started writing short stories by himself for pleasure and is he is becoming more responsible, more mature and good natured.  5 weeks he's been gone, and the smile is back on my daughters face she is bubbly, happy and revelling in being young, gorgeous and adored by her mother. She spends time with me, she plays with her brothers, she partakes in almost all family life.  She has grown in confidence and now faces what is a scary future for her too with bravery.  5 weeks he's been gone and the baby is the baby, he talks now, he argues and he is determined but he also listens and understands more, is more willing to be patient and is starting to show empathy for those around him especially his brother and his sister.

3 months ago I would never have believe we would be better off without him, he was such a massive part of our lives, dominating everything we were and what we did.  But he was/is a bully, who controlled through fear and violence and he was damaging us all.  I see that now very clearly and I think I saw it then also but was to ashamed to admit I'd "F**ked up" once again.   For the first time ever I can say I have regret, I regret I didn't get the hell out of that relationship sooner.

I have my kids, I have my freedom, I am going to have a life.