Tuesday, 8 October 2013

What do you expect? what do I expect?

Maybe its me, but sometimes my lack of understanding of the human psyche leaves me bewildered.  I have these days where I feel nothing is going right, that I'm never good enough, that I should just quit.  Then other days where everything falls in to place, the world is my oyster and I am totally untouchable.  My friends assure me that this is normal, everyone has these ups and downs days and I can certainly see it in other people when I look around me.  Teachers for instance you know when your kid comes out of school saying that their teacher spent the day shouting at everyone, you can pretty much guarantee that she was having "one of those days".  What I want to know is basically, how far can we as human beings push other human beings patience when we are having one of our "off" days.  Kids are brilliant at handling adults and their moods, yes your kid might be a bit upset coming out of school on a teachers particularly shouty day, but by the morning they would have pretty much forgotten Miss losing it because they didn't come in from playtime straight away, and will smile happily at Miss say good morning politely and eagerly want to show her some amazing thing they have brought in from home. While you as the adult and parent still feel like ripping her head off because she's traumatised your child.  So you see what I am saying, where in the growing up stage do we lose this ability to just let things go, when does the need to fight your corner, hold on to your feelings and emotional state become so important.  When do we decide we are justified just because we exist? Oh I know there are some arseholes in the world that put everybody back up just because they bully or blast their way through life not once considering the consequences of their actions, but then their are some children like that too and the other kids either put up with it or ignore the kid.  But when we the "normal" folk, the ones that always try to be polite, never cause a fuss and just want to be everyone friend.  When we lose the plot, how far do we expect our fellow human beings to cope with it.  Its only when us normal ones that finally lose it and go bizerk that anyone take notice of us.  So yes shooting into a crowded shopping centre at random people is not acceptable but surely the signs before this would have been there?  Surely someone would have noticed a seemingly normal person become a different one even if they were only little changes. My point is, when can I say to the rest of the world, I'm in a bad mood, I still love you I still want to be your friend, but I am just in a bad mood and they accept that without judgement or pain.  When can I be in a bad mood, and not smile politely at the girl serving me behind the counter and not feel guilty because I am now worried I will have offended her in anyway, when can I just be unreasonable, selfish, self centred and stubborn? I suppose the only real answer is I can't.  None of us can, can we, especially to the ones we love, because it will hurt them, and they are the last people that deserve that.  We can't allow ourselves to be swallowed up with our own emotions, thoughts and feelings because people expect us "normal" ones to behave in a certain way.  We can't be a Diva or a Rude person or a bitch, we can just be us.  We can however let go a little more, not to be better than the rest but to be better for ourselves.  We can take a lesson from the children, let go of the negativity that we get from others and face the new day with positivity. Allow others to release their emotions in an inappropriate or appropriate way, we don't need to rise to it, we don't need to fight our corner, or make our point.  We can just let it go, not because we don't care, but because we care very much.  If we let it go we can maybe help deal with the other persons issues and if they don't want that, then that's fine too, we can walk away from it with a clear conscience no guilt that we have added to whatever is giving them this emotional stress. So tomorrow I will take the example set by my children, I will accept that there will be people around me who are in a bad mood, whether they are close to my heart or not, but I won't let it crush me, I won't let it affect me, I will try to help because I am a caring person and I do want to help others, but if the help I offer is rejected I will not hold onto the feeling of hurt at the rejection I will just let it go, and walk away knowing I did all I could and that I should hold no guilt.  This will not make me a bad person, this will make me a person who wants to be in control over what goes on in her own head, who wants to be in control over what is important to her, and not allow others to control or try to damage her hard earned self esteem and respect and if others don't like it they don't need to be around it.  I am who I am, I get in to bad moods, I don't expect you to like it, but then I don't like yours either, but that is ok, because I am not going to hold on to it, I will help if I can but if I can't I can't. Life isn't easy for anyone and no one has the right to demand anything from anyone else (unless they are your children, then they can have every last thing you can give them) and no one needs to feel they aren't good enough, or worthy enough, or thankful to another person for their own existence. We are all equal and we are all beautiful.

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