Pass me the illegal diet pills please...its an emergency

I know, I know, we've finally jumped on the band waggon, we've given in to peer pressure, we admitted things may not be perfect.

Yes I am talking about the dreaded "weighty" issue of the family's diet. 

For the last few weeks the slim-est member of the family has been commenting on how he looks in the mirror, and has also been trying very hard in a house chocked full of scrumptious goodies to eat better (while still refusing most veg and fruit, but that's a tale for another time). Totally understandably the will power of a nine year old isn't massive and when home time comes round and a quick sugar boost via a chocolate biscuit is calling to him, he's been relenting. 

This hasn't made him very happy with himself, couple that with the fact the words "beer belly" have been mentioned a few times and on my birthday my darling 5yr told me his birthday wish was that my tummy was thinner, the whole family are on a change for life, eat healthier road.

We been at it 2 days....

Seriously 2 days in and I am feeling like crap, apparently this is "normal" while my body adjusts to digesting this new food, its not filling me with encouragement.

Sunday lunch yesterday consisted of ham, chicken, tuna with various salad ingredients, you should have seen the kids faces...the despondent look of its cold AND green, was palpable over their cute little mooshes.  Oh how we grown ups giggled....we're eating healthier now, we said, you'd better get used to this, we smirked, this is what you are going to be living on from now on, we threatened.  

As we all crunched, lapped and admittedly some of us picked at our lunch this slightly panicky feel swept over me.  Was this it?  was I never going to be able to enjoy a meal again EVER, but I brushed it aside and licked the last dregs of tuna from the bowl.  

By 5pm us grown ups were STARVING but we kept our word and didn't eat any crap that night. It really helps if you don't actually have any left in the cupboards anyway.

This morning the kids went off to school, with a healthy breakfast and the thoughts of delicious hot school dinners swimming through their heads, and I wasn't jealous at all as I watched them go in with my belly growling rather loudly. 

We (the grown ups) had salad again for lunch, this time with the tuna and I added a boiled egg, salt and pepper and a smidgen of salad dressing. It was delicious and when BD asked my mother to join us I wasn't best pleased as I could probably have eaten the entire salad to myself and while willing to share with the man in my life, my mum would just go an eat a cream cake afterwards so whats the bloody point. 

Anyway the point being is I then after my almost satisfying lunch went on the exercise bike for 45 minutes and thought I was actually going to die.  Never have I sweated so much, or got the shakes so bad, is that normal for salad eaters as well? (still not loving this, really hope it gets better). 

After my slight panic attack on the exercise bike it was time to get the boys and I needed to go to the shop and get a couple of bits, while in there the boys chose themselves some sweets and as I was standing in the queue my eyes came to rest on a container full of Cadburys caramel eggs, 3 for a £1, REALLY !!! I slipped 3 in to my hand and walked up to the counter hoping BD wouldn't spot me.....he did.

No sooner had the man taken my money, I was unwrapping and ramming that chocolate egg in to my face..call it weak will, call it a fail after only 2 days, but I'm due my period so I call it sanity, and diets don't disappear there's always tomorrow....

Its not me, its you....

The house is quiet, the washing & dishwasher are on and I am sat here looking through my photos when this over whelming urge to rant has come over me.  So sorry bloggerasphere as you are my ranting forum here goes.

Have you ever heard of the type of people that will push their thoughts, feelings and insecurities on to others so they don't have to actually accept them and deal with them themselves?  

I cannot stand it when people, who have no clue what my life is like or walk in my shoes, who quite frankly don't even know me, think they can pass judgement or make assumptions about me.  These people are of course oblivious to the obvious short comings of their own self’s and prefer rather than having to look at the harsh reality that is their failures in life, instead choose to find ways to poke holes in and criticise everybody else’s. Then on top of that try to make out that somehow it’s actually you doing the criticising and poking holes in to their lives.  Like somehow they are the victims and if only you would leave them alone it would be fine.

It seems that no matter what I post on Twitter someone will continually take it as a personal attack on themselves.  I mean how conceited can you be to assume my posting a picture of my kids or mentioning a day out planned is only to "hurt" and "aggrieved" another person who has nothing to do with my life.  How can someone who doesn't know me who hasn't ever been in my life continually accuse me of lying about the things that have happened to me.  To then take those same things and judge me as a failure as a person and as a mother because I allowed them to happen.  To then also accuse me of making my life in to a fairy tale of blissful happiness, to then attack my appearance, to call me names, to belittle my feelings and then to accuse me of playing victim and a bully (how can I be both for god sake). 

Apparently I am an insecure, hypocrite, who is a skank, a bad role model for my f*cked up daughter, I am a liar, I am also a lard arse chav covered in spots, tattoos & going bald. I pretend to be a victim when actually I am a control freak bully who sponges of my mother and pretends to work for a living.

And this is only the recent stuff. 

Arguably the elephant in the room is this, why am I still reading this shit.  My only defensive such as it is, is I am masochistic (well I must be mustn’t I lol) The sensible side of my brain has told me time & time to stop as has my beautiful loving man, who thinks the world of me.  But like annoying scab that I want to get rid of I keep picking at it. 

I'm pretty sure it’s being done for attention, a chance to get a reaction, to make an impact on a life that isn't anything to do with them.  We've all been hurt in life we've all been trod on and made to look a fool, but I never did this to her, she spent months trying to get him back, emails, texts, letters, videos of herself.  All the while continually attacking me, attacking my children and trying to ruin 5 lives 3 of which are totally innocent.  Except apparently my daughter is alcoholic whore who needs help fast according to her.

I can only suppose that the fact this all failed has pushed her to go even further like planning to move closer to where we live.  I am genuinely frightened, this woman is nuts, has no concept of boundaries of what is appropriate, of letting go even.  She has an extremely over inflated opinion of herself and just cannot accept that I am loved, I am on the planet and that I could achieve even a modicum of success in my life and if I do it’s a total affront to her sensibilities and I should be chastised over it immediately.

No doubt this blog post will cause uproar again with emails flying this way and that, threats being made and accusations being hurled again.  But this is my life, this my blog and will post on it whatever I choose.  If people want to read it that’s fine I don't force them to, I don't mention names or give indications to anyone’s identities. 

It’s a story, an open letter, a parable, a diary entry and it makes no reference to anyone in particular. 

Turning the big 40 & what it means for a woman.....

This weekend I hit the big 4.0 !! I know hard to believe its finally arrived, middle age..eek.

To be honest though I think I am in a better place turning 40 than I was turning 30.  10 years ago I was fairly newly married had a young child and was pregnant with my second.  It wasn't an easy pregnancy being as I was poorly through most of it and so I spent the first part of my 30th year being either sick or at the hospital getting check ups while also dealing with a grieving husband whose Father had died 3 weeks after we found out we were expecting.  Then over the next few years came the ups and downs of new babies, house moves and feelings of loneliness and separation.

Today as I start my 40's my children while still young are a lot more independent of me.  Our family unit is complete and everyone is just getting on with the business of growing up.  Yes of course there are still the daily stresses that everyone goes through.  I live with my mother for goodness sake so I know all about them, there just isn't the emotional upheaval there was 10 years ago.

If I look back on that time with a honest appraisal I can clearly see how things between hubbies and I went so down hill.  Neither of us were prepared for what losing a parent while gaining a child would do to us emotionally and mentally.  While we thought we were probably coping ok, we were in actual fact feathers on the wind being blown this way and that managing to connect briefly only to be pushed apart by another big gust of wind ie work, money worries, demands of family raising, other ties with people and each other if I am honest.  The fact we managed to get through any of it is a pure and simple testimony to how much we love each other.

When we first met 15 years ago it felt like old souls reunited through reincarnation with a deep and basic need for each other that surprised both of us, as I don't think either of us had experience such a depth of emotion for anyone else in our lives before.  In actual fact as time has gone on and with all we have put each other through that basic primal need for each other is still as strong as ever.

So here I am starting my 40's with "the love of my life" (not words I say lightly by any stretch of the imagination) by my side ready to hold my hand while we walk forward towards the rest of our lives.  We have promised to be good to one another, to not take each other for granted, to support each other and to never let the other one face anything alone.  We have plans to travel as soon as the youngest is old enough. China is our first port of call then off to the other parts of the Far East. We plan to share the joys of grandchildren together whenever they turn up and we plan to always take time for one another and never again get so wrapped up in our own heads that we stop the most important people from getting in close.

For this year and for the next few we've still got to see our babies through puberty, first loves, exams, university and everything else they'll need to get them to adulthood.  Which is its own adventure, and when that's done we can look forward to our time together to feed our thirst for new & for learning.  There's no fear now, no insecurity, its as if the circle has come back on its self.  I laugh when I catch him looking at some skirt, he's a man they all do it that doesn't mean for 1 single second he would rather have that and lose me, in fact I know that for sure he doesn't want anyone else, he has proved that time and time again.  He knows how much I love him too, he's not worried or insecure about who I am or what I think.  He doesn't fret if I don't phone, or immediately assume I am going to do the dirty on him.  All that pressure and fear we put on each other before is just gone, wiped clean.

Don't get me wrong, I still have my days, my hormones are a bastard but eventually even that will pass, he just has to avoid me for a few days each month till it clears and I have to keep taking those vitamin B's lol

All I can say is hello 40's I've got the door wide open and I am welcoming you in because I'm a little bit older and a little wiser and I ready to face whatever you throw at me...

Do you baby your youngest child ? Dealing with a bright child..

I made an appointment to go and see the youngest ones teacher this week.  Not so much to have a moan but more to get the opinion of someone who interacts with my son on a daily basis who might not have such rose tinted glasses as mine are.

What she had to say while sort of helpful didn't really hit the nail on the head for me as much as I would have liked.  Basically she said he was a well behaved child in school who pretty much did as he was told, didn't moan alto, is able to concentrate and is a bright kid.  All pretty positive so I asked her to try to think of a reason why he insists he doesn't want to come to school.

She suggested that it might be a maturity issue, which when I got home gave me serious food for thought. Do I baby him?  As my youngest child I am aware of the fact that I am trying to hold on to the little boy as much as possible.  With no plans to have anymore he is my baby.  But am I holding him back because of it?

He's a very bright kid, its regularly commented on by friends and relatives how bright he actually is, which his reasoning and reading ability does suggest.  He's also quite highly strung with a tendency to get frustrated very quickly if he feels his opinions or voice isn't heard or understood the way he feels it should be. This means that many a time I am sitting with him trying to explain to him an idea or a decision while he is trying to argue the point from his perspective.  This can become incredibly futile with no positive outcome and so more often than I probably should I coincide to his point of view and we end up doing things his way. Is that babying him?

Its almost as if he sees the regular jobs, ie dressing yourself, brushing your own teeth, putting your own shoes on, as far to mundane and time consuming and that instead he would rather fill his time up with the more interesting experiences of playing his computer games, reading his books, or playing with his kitten. It feels to me like he just doesn't see the point of it all, like life is too short to be worrying whether you've washed behind your ears, and as much as we the parents try to explain the whys and what fores of the importance of getting dressed quickly, leaving for school on time or not stopping every 5 minutes on the walk to school to look at the flowers, its like he just doesn't get it.

Don't get me wrong, he always wants to help cook dinner, he can see the point in that.  He keeps his room tidy, he sees the point in that.  He cares and looks after the animals in the house as best he can, he can see the point in that also, but he just doesn't see the point in school. He's totally convinced he knows everything he needs to know so doesn't see why he has to attend.  He's happy playing by himself doing his own thing so the whole friends thing doesn't bother him, he'd rather be playing with kids older than himself anyway and the structure of the school day just fills him with foreboding.

Its hard everyday trying to explain why he needs to do something that goes against every fibre of his being, that he just sees as pointless and futile all the while knowing that he is a bright kid who probably does get a bit bored at school, that is slightly socially awkward because his brain works at 15 times the pace of everyone else.  I don't think I baby him, I think I handle and understand him better than they do at school and I think that is the reason he struggles so much.

At home I can calm him when he's frustrated, I listen to his points of view and while at times I do get frustrated with his stubbornness I can also work around it to get to a point we are both happy with.  I just don't think they get that about him, I also think he bottles up all frustrations through out the day and then at home time just explodes with the of ideas, points and valuable arguments that he is unable to discuss at school, which sometimes makes me feel like I should have left him there for them to deal with.

I am hoping that the current bribe for a reward at the end of the week if he goes in everyday without fuss will have given him a routine he can get his head around.  For while I understand that in society we have rules and we all must conform to some degree. I, in no way wish for his indomitable spirit of free thinking, independence and thirst for gaining new ground for himself to be in anyway crushed.

I am not babying him I am allowing him to express who he is as a person and let his mind reach all the conclusions and evaluate all of the issues it wants to while I take care of his bottom wiping...