The Interview.....

So last Friday I finally got to go for the interview I had been waiting for 2 weeks for.  Job hunting like on line dating and rightmove feel just like an extension of shopping to me.  Maybe I am a bit weird but I like doing it.  It has the same thrill of the chase as ploughing through the bargain bucket in tescos searching for hidden gems and the same high of excitement when you spot something with good potential and you snatch it up before anyone else can.  Alright its not exactly like that because ultimately you can't go for the 50k a year job with a CV that says stay at home mum for the last 4 years but you know what I mean.

I had left my search criteria quite open in the fact I wasn't too specific on role, distance or wage package and this allowed me to trawl through about 150 jobs on the Reed Accountancy website.  I beefed up my CV with my newly acquired qualifications and set about registering myself once again.  Alot of the jobs advertised on these sites seemed to be posted through recruitment agencies and while I know that there is slim chance that the jobs they are advertising actually exists I still set about writing polite covering letters and sending off my CV.

To my surprise I got 2 responses back, which in this day and age is a bit of a miracle, one was from an agency wanting to get me on their books. Fine who knows something might come of it. The other was from an agency phoning me to tell me their client wanted to see me..! Really ! Crap I have nothing to wear.  "The company are holding 4 interviews next Wednesday you need to be there at 4" Really ! Crap again. I can't make next Wednesday as the car is being serviced and MOT'd and I have no transportation.  "Oh" says the lady from the agency, "i'll have to let me client know you can't make it and I will call you back" well I was pretty convinced they were just going to say, never mind will see so and so instead as they will probably be able to make it. But miracle no 2 happened and she called me back to say they would see me on the Friday instead and could I make it for 10am.  I nearly kissed the receiver, of course Jessica no problems, yes send me the details by email, I'll be there with bells on.

So I spent the next week and a bit determined to find something in my wardrobe that was suitable and would mean me not having to spend any money and getting lectured on interview techniques by the 13 year old (they'd just done this as a topic in PSHE and she was full of tips and bright ideas, firm handshake, smile alot and remember to make a good impression within the first 30 seconds otherwise you just may as well give up).

The big day arrived and to say I was nervous was an understatement, I was sweating just standing in my bra and pants trying to do my hair and every time I put any make up on my face it just melted right back off again.  I chain smoked two cigarettes on the way to their office and then berated myself for going in there stinking of fags (so off putting don't you think).  Gave my firm but not to firm handshake and smiled my brightest smile possible.  The first thing the guy said to me was "don't worry we're not going to eat you" to which I replied "it would be a bloody hard job if you tried" hhmmm not a particularly good start I feel.  I then spent the next half an hour trying to explain why I wanted to leave this fantastically convenient and well paid job of mine to end up working full time with out so much more money.  When directly asked "are you only applying for jobs so that you can get out of the house for a bit?" I infactically answered yes but realised quite quickly that this was probably the wrong answer and made short sharp work of taking my foot out of my mouth and returning my brain to my empty bimbo head. They seemed nice enough people and also a worthy company to work for but his parting words to me as I was heading out the front door where "we had many many high calibre applicants the fact you have been able to get an interview was a good achievement" Brush off words if ever I heard them, oh well applied for another 15 today so keep your fingers crossed for me ..:0)

Too much, too little where do I find the balance....

Everyone goes on and on about parenting a teenager and how difficult it is. How their child becomes alien to them and how they can't communicate with their child and to be honest I always thought this was a bit of an exaggeration.  Well damn and blast haven't I come to the conclusion that no, really, it is that bad.  I so don't want to become one of those do as I say or else kind of parents but it feels as if she is trying to back me in to a corner to make it happen and then, just like that, she does something wonderful or makes a gesture of love which leaves me there stood still with the knowledge and feeling of well being that something is getting through.

I tell you there is nothing more scary than "officials" deciding if you are a good parent. With the split in Jan and the nature of it, the courts have taken an interest in the welfare of my children.  Its horrible and scary and while the rational side of my brain sees the logic and appreciates what is happening, the mummy in me is screaming.  If you knew me well, you'd know my children are my life and that I would never ever do anything detrimental to them.  But sifting through the massive amount of parent advise I am finding it difficult to ascertain what is best for them.  On the one hand I am being told that ideally children benefit from two parents and that contact with the father should be encouraged and he should be involved but on the other hand I have the courts telling me to hold fire they want to do assessments first.  Then there is the pressure he is placing on the children, telling them its my fault he can't see them and that I could make it all better.  Why would he do this?  He was there when the Judge made his order but for some twisted reason of his own he wants to try and drive a wedge between the kids and I. Telling the 6 year old "don't worry boy they can't keep us apart forever, just keep telling mummy you want to go to the park with me".  I then have to spend half an hour explaining that none of this situation is our fault and if there is anyone to blame its daddy for not being able to control himself.  What am I suppose to do? There is no way I am going to do anything that might jeopardise the powers that be's faith in me as a parent and I have been told on no uncertain terms that the contact stays as it is for the time being.  In the meantime Mr I have rights and I want to see my kids, has raised concerns over my parenting skills but is still not providing any regular maintenance for the children and doesn't seemed bothered by the fact that he isn't helping to keep a roof over their heads.  Does he seriously think that someone who has a pending criminal trial on his head would be given custody of his children? does he want the kids to go in to care? The kids themselves in the meantime are growing up happy, healthy and confident in this single parent family.  Everyone who spends time with has remarked on how well they are getting on and how much more settled they seem.  They are looking forward to their well deserved time off over the summer and I plan to do lots of things with them, just hope we start getting some decent weather.

Anyway sorry for ranting, still trying to get things off my chest.  Its going to be a long process and unfortunately this is one of my ways of venting. I will try for a happier post soon, I promise..! xx

A little bit fat

So Ninja went on a school trip yesterday to Twin Lakes fun park.  He wasn't in a particularly talky mood when he got back at 5pm and by the time dinner was over and cleared away he'd already taken himself off to bed and was fast asleep.  Not wanting to be a nag I didn't push him for details of his day at the fun park this morning, I'm sure he had a lovely time at anyway and I knew eventually he started to tell me about it.  He did but it wasn't what I was expecting bless him.  "Mummy, ***** sang a song on the way home about you being fat", he then proceed to give me a rendition. Right, exactly which way should I go with this one then ??? So firstly I took the, "well that's not a very nice thing to say" approach but that always comes across a bit of a cop out when I hear people saying it to their children so I decided to tackle it another way.  I asked him if it upset him, to which he said it did, it had made him cry a bit and he'd also told another friends mum. The friends mum had had words with them both but Ninja still felt a little bit sore about it all.  So then I said I wasn't upset about it and it is a bit true anyway so what does it matter. Then I asked Ninja if it made me a nice person what I looked like and he said "no, and anyway I like you soft and squidgy to cuddle, I wouldn't like it if you were all hard and bony" and with that we decided that actually it didn't matter what someone said about me or himself its what we thought of ourselves that matters and that as long as we treat each other right we will always be a happy family. I also said that next time someone says something like that about me that he should just tell them, that is why my mummy is the best mummy in the world lol
 
 

I'm so old, the politest reject letter ever and sheep...

Way to go at embarrassing myself this morning in our lovely local co-op.  Over filled the basket as usual which was fine but takes a bit of unpacking on to the conveyor belt.  So there I am singing away to the song that's just come on the co-op radio, I get asked if I want a carrier bag and I continue to sing away on auto pilot unpacking and then packing up again. Eventually there is nothing more left to pack, this lifts me out of my trance and I suddenly become aware of my surroundings and when I look up. I see the "nice" young man by the till smiling politely looking at me with a slightly bewildered look on his face.  "Its an old song" I mumble "it must have been re-released, that's why I know all the words". His smile brightens and he promptly asks me for the £36.35. Bless him in his effort to rescue the somewhat uncomfortable position we are in while the pin machine does it thing he says "Can't believe how high the guy sings in this". Oh god that's just given me the opening I needed, I then proceed to spend the next 5 minutes lecturing him on how the old one was a massive hit and that it was so much better and that the lead singer sang much higher and louder than this pretender. I even told him to "youtube" the old version if he didn't believe me ! How stupid must I have seemed, me pushing 40 telling a 17 year old how to look up an old song.  Anyway he smiled that polite smile at me again and I beat a hasty retreat pretty confident that the "god some old woman" story was going to feature on his social network at some point today. Hohum here is the song in question hope you enjoy

http://youtu.be/x34icYC8zA0

I want to work for Balfour Beaty, admittedly they don't want me to work for them at this given moment, but they are still a company that I would want to work for.  Never have I received such a nice rejection email/letter as the one they sent me this morning. I knew as soon as I had finished applying for the job that i wasn't going to get it, 40,000+ a year experience required, it was always going to be a bloody long shot. Anyway here is a bit of the email, I think you will agree it is very nicely worded.

      Many thanks for your application for the post of Divisional Finance Manager (Northampton). After careful consideration I am sorry to advise you that we will not be progressing with your application. (they just need to see the front cover of my CV to decide that really lol)

We would like to retain your details for approximately 12 months, in case any suitable positions arise during that time. If you would prefer us not to, please contact our Human Resources department. (i really hope something does come up and they do consider me)

If you have not done so already, we recommend that you take advantage of our email job alert service so that you can receive the latest vacancies as they arise. You can register at our website once you have carried out a search. (yes I will be signing up asap)

Many thanks once again for taking the time to apply and for your interest.
Humf made me go look at the sheep this morning......I know this is a market town but really do we have to have the livestock market slap bang next to the schools....All you can hear 3 times a week is the poor sorry bleating of the little Timmys.  It makes me want to go veggie and I think if humf really understood what they actually were IE his Sheppard's pie, I think he'd be appalled too. The farmers enjoyed playing up for the little boy who sat gawping at them as they herded the sheep in to their little pens and I suppose each sheep for them represents, bills paid and a roof over their heads so they don't get attached.  I just find the whole thing difficult you know and its even worse when its the cows turn.  Well I think I am going to leave it a good while until I explain why they come to town each week its hard enough as it is now to get him to eat any meat, let alone if I try to explain that most of Timmy and his friends ends up on the dinning room table.

Where words will never comfort and time will never heal......

Nothing brings the mind in to focus more than hearing of a death of a child.   I pretty much suspect that everyone that heard yesterday of the little 12 year old boy who died so suddenly and unexpectedly at his home in our little town has been deeply shocked by the news.

Everyone knows everyone around here many many of the children would be friends with this little boy and have known him all his life. When your children turn to you and ask "why?" what are you suppose to say.  This little boy hadn't been in an accident or sick for a long time, he just been taken from his family in a blink of an eye.  I am struggling to make sense of this. 

Since we started living here 2 other children and been taken, both of those in tragic accidents and for these parents I suppose their is something to focus their anger on to.  But to try understand the grand scheme of things when a child is taken for no apparent reason is very hard to do.

Never is my faith more shaken then at times like this.  To have some one say this is God's will offends me to my deepest core.  If we are made in his image then he would know that this is not our will and therefore how can it be his own.  Some say he is a harsh and vengeful God and to them I say well why do I need to follow him then.  Others say, God wanted him to be by his side and to them I say, but why?, why does God need a young boy like that?

No one can make sense of this tragic loss for me, and no one can comfort the grieving family that's been left behind.  Just remember the next time they are driving you up the wall and you feel like tearing your hair out that it can all be taken from you in the blink of an eye and then all you would be doing is begging for it all to be back again.

For now my thoughts are with this poor family and tonight I will hold my children a little closer to me at bedtime.

Would you google a potential new boyfriend?

I've been mulling over in my mind how much easier the whole dating thing would be if we just databased every man on the planet and when you started going out with him you could just update the database putting in his status and what his pro and cons are and then if the relationship finished, you could just fill the bits that asked you his faults, and a short questionnaire on his rateablitly in cleanliness, consideration, caring behaviour and that sort of thing.  That way any potential new girlfriends can look him up and decided whether he is a good match for her. I'm convinced it would save alot of wasted time and effort and reduce the risk of heartbreak. Not sure if the blokes would be up for it though, getting stamped with a clean bill of health and a use by date might pee them off a bit.

Lately I have found myself craving very random things from laying out in a field with the sun on my face to a new very expensive handbag. My head seems to be this swirling mishmash of different thoughts and ideas. One minute I want to get back to nature let the children roam free and indulge their emotions and expressions the next I am demanding they eat at the table and are in bed by 7pm or else.  I am frightened with everything that is going on with the courts, frightened that I am not being a good enough mum and and I think this is part of the problem.  It seems peoples idea of parenting are so varied that for one person what is seen as healthy and enriching to another seems undisciplined and unruly. For instance take bouncing on the trampoline in their birthday suit.  For me, giving them some time in their lives where they are unrestricted by societies ideas and opinions and allowing them to feel the wind on their skin and the sun on their backs without the big "keep covered or else" is important, others may see that as me being irresponsible for so many different reasons and I can only give one reason for doing it, which is the great big happy smiles on their faces.  Then there is the telly on all the time. Yes the telly is on alot, its the first thing that gets done as they walk in from school but they don't just sit there staring at it.  Both the little ones are chatterboxes and always have loads to tell me when they get home, so they can't sit there staring at the box because I'm in the kitchen and the telly is not.  Many a time do I walk in to an empty lounge with the telly set at cartoon network with not a soul insight to watch it and believe me if you read my facebook status updates you'd know they aren't just sitting around watching telly.  So some of you may ask why do I let them keep it on and truthfully I'm not really sure why I do, but I know if they start playing up badly and I threaten to turn it off they soon start behaving themselves again.

Anyway the old man's saying of someones junk and someone elses treasure I think fits extremely aptly when it comes to parenting. So I suppose I have to put more faith in my abilities and hope that the kids happiness shines through as a beaken to dispel any reservations any governing body might have over the kids welfare.