Friday Night Out...

So last Friday was my first night out without the kids in about 10 months and my first time out as a single woman for about 10 years.  It was a most surreal experience, in the fact that, while the game may not have changed I seem to have phenomenally.  Everyone under 30 look like babies (except for my friends of course). Anyone my aged looked like pain had been etched all over their faces and anyone older didn't even look up from their glass.  While I thought it might have been nice to get chatted up, in reality it was all just a bit creepy and the more I had to drink the creepier it got.  I've never been a massive pub goer ever and in that respect it a good pub that plays fun songs so I was comfortable being there. I just had no idea where I fitted in to the social standing, I wasn't a carefree single looking for a 6 month fling, but neither am I desperate to find love so I am not alone in my old age.  I think I am pretty sure who I am, I am a boring middle aged mum, who is devoted to her kids and doesn't have much time for anything else, I am over weight, slightly saggy and love my friends to pieces..Tell me what the hell is inviting about that.  Don't get me wrong I am not pining for the days before, seeing him on Saturday was enough of a reminder of why I am single now.  I think maybe I am just expecting too much of myself to just jump on my feet and move forward in my life.  10 years of being subject to demoralising and demeaning comments is alot of baggage to try to forget and disbelieve.  Slowly though I think I will recover may not today or tomorrow but in time and Friday night was the proof that I don't need to be a bed with someone to feel any self worth.  Oh and walking back the mile home in barefoot was fun lol (those bloody heels were killing me !!!)

Ok so its been about 3 weeks....

Haven't blogged for a while because quiet frankly the kakka has hit the fan.  From an incident that happened before Christmas to me finally plucking up the courage to do something about it until today has been a rollercoaster. 

So my life has changed forever once more, the path I believed I was on has disappeared in to the void and I am faced with the totally unknown once again.  To be honest this time I feel more prepared than I have ever done in the past.  I know my only focus in life is to do the best for my kids so I have a clear goal in that respect.  This encompasses many aspects of my life that until now I hadn't realised.  My college work is so important to me, because 1, hopefully it will provide me with a good career that will support my children and their growing needs, 2, it gives them some measure of respect for me that I am able to do I all the things I demand from them.  Namely believe in yourself, work hard and aim high. 3 It can instill in them a sense of no matter what life throws at you, there are ways of dealing and coping with that and that it can be enriching and rewarding even though it may not feel like it at the time.

On a social level, yes its hard doing it all by yourself but not having the constant angst and arguing in the house means I feel freer and I physically have more time.  How bad is that, now he is gone I actually have more time to do things round the house then when he was here and "suppose" to be helping.  I can be myself, learn who that person is again and take sometime to get to know myself.  I can relax without the constant fear that I might do or say something that will trigger an argument and this also benefits the children as their mother is allowed to bloom so will they be.

5 weeks he's been gone, 5 weeks and Ninja has already been put up a set in the classroom, his reading has jumped 2 sub levels. He has started writing short stories by himself for pleasure and is he is becoming more responsible, more mature and good natured.  5 weeks he's been gone, and the smile is back on my daughters face she is bubbly, happy and revelling in being young, gorgeous and adored by her mother. She spends time with me, she plays with her brothers, she partakes in almost all family life.  She has grown in confidence and now faces what is a scary future for her too with bravery.  5 weeks he's been gone and the baby is the baby, he talks now, he argues and he is determined but he also listens and understands more, is more willing to be patient and is starting to show empathy for those around him especially his brother and his sister.

3 months ago I would never have believe we would be better off without him, he was such a massive part of our lives, dominating everything we were and what we did.  But he was/is a bully, who controlled through fear and violence and he was damaging us all.  I see that now very clearly and I think I saw it then also but was to ashamed to admit I'd "F**ked up" once again.   For the first time ever I can say I have regret, I regret I didn't get the hell out of that relationship sooner.

I have my kids, I have my freedom, I am going to have a life.

The Good Day

The cinema at 10 o’clock in the morning is a very surreal place.  From what I could gather in the time I had to look around me, while still trying to control 2 year old, I got about 3 categories of people that had decided Sunday morning film watching was for them.  Firstly there was the big family that obviously used this time as a money saving venture while still allowing their children the treat of coming to the cinema. Then there was the older couples, serious about the film they were about to see, finding it inconvenient that families were allowed to be there at the same time as them and thoroughly disapproving of any minor mischief the children where getting up to and then there was the me’s.  First timers who were a bit baffled by it all.

We had decided upon Animals United as our film of choice and we were all more than a little disappointed by it.  Far to much death, moral conscience and not enough slap stick humour left the children thoroughly unimpressed, we couldn’t even bring ourselves to find any of the characters cute.  Luckily the screen was fairly empty as Humf spent predominantly most of the film running up the aisles and through the rows.  I probably missed a few of the jokes because I kept having to scan the darkness to see where he’d gone this time and I am sure I caught him trying to lure other children in to his fiendish running around plan.

That finished and though disappointing, we still all the left the cinema on a high, (that would have been the masses of sweets and popcorn we’d eaten).  So I braved tescos with them both and managed to get round even that without to much aggro or expense.  Came home laden with food to find mum had been working really hard and had had a major tidy up. Cue sigh of relief and big cheesy grin. 30 minutes later when shopping had safely stowed away out of Humfs reach and we’d all enjoyed a fried egg sandwich.  Me my mother and my daughter all sat around talking boys…It was hysterical I haven’t laughed so much in ages.  Daughter at several points in the conversation looked as if she was going to be sick or at least sharply leave the room. But she stuck with it and it was her face as Nanny was giving her the “talk” that had me rolling around the floor with laughter. Bless her, she’s probably permanently scared for life now.

We then went and had a dual hair dying session, her with a very dark purple and me with a platinum blonde.  Hers as usual just added a touch of colour to her already gorgeous thick dark hair and mine went a rather shocking shade of bright yellow. I came out from the bathroom after I’d rinsed and rather too quickly with a large smile plastered to her faced she looked at me and said “I like it, mum” I think Nanny had forewarned her not to say anything horrible when she saw me.  After they’d both pacified me in to not screaming and taking a pair of scissors to my head it was agreed a confidence boosting photo on facebook was in order.  Out came the make up and Lex had a whale of a time, torturing me in only ways a vengeful daughter who’d suffered at numerous hairbrush pulling instances can. Picture was took and posted and several thumbs up from friends later I felt ok.

We rounded the evening off with a homemade curry (now one of Ninja’s favourite dinners, ironing and homework and by 10pm the whole house was sleeping soundly.  A perfect end to a pretty perfect day.

7 Things you never knew about me.........

1. I just can't help myself sometimes: I have an incredible lack of self control, with my mouth, my actions and my purse.  This had lead me in to some uncomfortable expensive situations at times.

2. I will hide chocolate from the kids:  if I know its a scarcity in the house I will sneak bits to eat while they are not looking.

3. I am very bad a finishing a book: even if I get just alittle bit bored I can't find the energy or the will to plow through it and I just give up, this normally leads to me starting several books and not actually finishing any of them.

4. I don't like overly muscly men: they kind of scare me and to be honest, if someone cares that much about themselves would they have room in their lives for anyone else?

5. I obsessively check my emails: I am even checking them throughout my accountancy lessons and have once or twice caught the teacher looking at me with daggers, frustrated that he can't actually have a go at me because I'm an adult and I've paid for him to be standing there in front of me. HAHA

6. I wanted to be a model when I was a teenager: This is so embarrassing, I'm 5' nothing where on earth did I think I was going to be able to be a model, I even went to some scary dingy place in London for an "interview" to do modeling (one of those pay me £1000 and I'll get you a contract jobby) and was told there that I could be put forward for hand or foot modeling but not really much else and they were trying to con money out of me...!!!

7.  I believe in the supernatural: I'm not entirely sure what I believe but I am very open minded to it all and I love reading, hearing or watching about it.  I've been to a clairvoyant and found that quite a rewarding experience but obviously not something that would suit everyone.

So there are 7 things you didn't know about me and here are some people that I would like to know 7 things about so I am going to tag them in this post http://www.strawberryfreckles.com/  http://barefootfoodie.com/ http://thedaydreamingfool.blogspot.com/