Been off the Prozac for over a month. I just woke up one morning and thought "I don't need it anymore". The only side effect I can think off (if you could actually call it a side effect) is that things seem to matter more. If people cut me up I get annoyed, if something upsets me it makes me cry and I don't want the kids to run riot anymore. I have stopped just doing everything for them. If they make a mess I get them to tidy it up, I am stricter on bedtime and I am not letting missy get away with continuously living in a dung heap.
I know the last few months have been hard and that we have all has to adjust to new roles with in the house. It has taken time for the kids to see me as a serious parent and not just the soft one, Mooki has had to come to the realisation she is important and valued for her burgeoning adult opinions and ideas, Ninja has had to learn independence and the idea of being responsible for himself and Humf is just basically thriving even in this lop sided one parent family.
All this being said half term has been a mine field with the slightest wrong footing and the whole thing blowing up in my face. The reason for this I think are many fold and the answers to fixing it having been many fold too. I am convinced that the fact I am starting a new job on Monday that to be honest I am worried sick about, that I have been trying to talk myself out of, but I also know that I have no choice but to start has had a big impact on my attitude to things.
I am very consciences that this is the most time I am going to get to spend with the kids for while so therefore want things to be perfect, which its not being. Loose ends suddenly need tying with my previous role that can't be left. College has got very hard this year and I need to spend time getting that straight in my head and for some bizarre reason I decided to have a Halloween party this year.
This is where the UN peace negotiations start........Ninja had a birthday last week and so has lots of new games and toys to play with. Humf thinks he is basically able to do whatever Ninja is doing and can't understand why his big brother is so reluctant to play the games with him. Logger heads have been met and intricate and detailed schedule of times of play, TV and general larking about have had to be designed.
In between these two immovable forces of desires and wants I have stood this week basically getting shouted at, whined at, grumbled at and given dirt looks at. One child is always left feeling put out by these discussions and all I want to do is get on with the stuff I need to do so we can spend the rest of the week having a nice time together. I think I am fighting a losing battle to be honest and that I should stop beating myself up in bed at night worrying about it ( well Humf beats me up enough kicking me all over during the night )
In a blink of an eye it will be Christmas and I will be starting all this all over again !..
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Light bulbs have been changed, toilets unblocked and bins taken out.
The TV is mine and I iron in front of it.
When doors slam no one jumps any more.
The only shouts are ones of excitement.
The only time there is crying, is for scraped knees, banged heads or sad stories.
Smiles are made in mirrors.
Songs are sung at any time.
Family and friends visit when ever they choose.
Homework is done on time.
Things are broken, but then they are fixed.
We eat together.
Boundaries are crossed but way backs are negotiated with love not lectures.
There are no pants to pick up.
I'm no longer referred to as "babe, wench or c**t" but "mummy" the only name that matters.
Grades are up.
Self confidence is up.
We now know we are all worthy fabulous individuals
Make up is worn.
Clothes and boys are discussed freely.
Dinners are adventures with lots of different things being tried all the time.
The kids eat tons of fish, bagels, matzo, pasta, asparagus, french beans.
Spelling, reading and maths are done for fun.
Playstation games are played and don't give nightmares.
Confidence is overflowing.
Normality is standard.
We can all breathe.